You know it’s true…

March 27, 2007, 8:31 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, Job  | 8 Comments

If food and beverages were people, I’d totally want to hang out with V8.V8 Logo

Go on, take a sip. There’re layers there, am I right? Texture, color, pasteurization for premium quality. Not a boring taste at all, but fun and mature. Not overly sweet like Sour Patch candies, which are fun for a while but then suddenly over-the-top, like that friend you borrow DVDs from Friday night, then avoid come sunrise.

V8 would totally give you a lift to the airport and tell you an interesting story along the way. V8, I’ll bet, can cook up a storm and has a lot of hidden talents, like being able to touch its nose with its tongue and play the banjo.

If you planned a road trip with V8, a NutRageous bar, Quaker Toasted Oatmeal and Hot Pockets, and then everyone bailed at the last moment, V8 would still insist on going without them because hey — you only live once. And when you break up with somebody, V8 doesn’t sit there and lazily tell you what an awful person your ex was — V8 helps you plot to win them back.

V8 won’t flake when there’s work to do, but will pitch right in and help. I’ll bet V8 would whistle while working too…some fun melody from an alt-rock song too, not something stupid like “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

V8 calls its mother regularly. V8 drives stick. V8 says, “Sure, go ahead and borrow it anytime.” V8 voted Bush/Cheney ’00 and ’04.

V8 does all its own stunts.

I would hang out with V8.

But I would totally date Ferrero Rocher.


8 Comments to “You know it’s true…”

  1. Emily on March 28th, 2007 12:40 am

    I hear that V8 makes fruit juice now. I want one.

  2. Job on March 28th, 2007 12:54 pm

    Yeah, Em, totally…

    V8 splash is the man.
    Kind of like V8’s cousin from Florida that would come and stay with his family for a few weeks in the summer. Tales of Palm Trees and Crocs, a different lilt to his voice…that out of place tan.

    Didn’t play as rough as us, and didn’t have as great a threshold of pain…but he was fun to have around.

  3. Emily on March 30th, 2007 11:11 pm

    Great metaphor, although I have cousins from Florida whose pain tolerances are far greater than mine, perhaps due to prolonged sun exposure and not enough maple syrup. But what if someone should decide to mix vegetable and fruit V8s? That might account for your soft-spoken uncle from Arizona you thought you knew so well, but who, you discovered, cures sick children on his days off and won a decathlon as an Iron Man. Oh wow, dude.

  4. Job Tate on March 31st, 2007 12:23 am

    Or if you mixed vegetable and fruit V8 and then used it to marinade some meat?

    That’s your great-grandmother, who speaks out from the creased black and white photograph, trapped behind dusty glass – her beauty somehow piercing through the dense fog of her studebaker-stained dowdy outfit, black hair curled to the poing of making you wince – her smile, only recently socially acceptable for a photo – thus a little unpracticed.

    But man – she wasn’t that bad a lookin’ girl.

  5. Emily on March 31st, 2007 12:35 am

    Gosh, that just took a turn for the totally depressing. There aren’t many things that might taste sensational and be fantastically intriguing when mixed with V8, but I’ll give it another shot:

    V8 Splash and club soda is your health-consciously frugal stepsister from Iowa City – you wonder why she would want to skimp on flavor, but then she shows you the country cottage with two-car garage and room for a pony that she bought with the money she saved from buying only half the juice. She also looks better in a miniskirt than you ever will.

  6. Job Tate on March 31st, 2007 12:50 am

    Then you have, obviously, never mixed V8 in with an omelette…

    Which is, of course, that passionately good friend you had in college who then studied abroad for a semester and upon his/her return was never quite the same. Riding out the small clique of friends he/she gained overseas all the way through to graduation while still managing to produce a polite smile when passing you on the quad.

  7. Steve on April 1st, 2007 12:59 am

    Vermonters and their V8…

  8. Job on April 1st, 2007 1:41 pm

    …watch yourself central New York…

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