I’d like to start the case for plantains by getting my personal biases out of the way. When I was an infant, and my mother took me to the doctor for a checkup, he told her I was ready for bananas and cereal. He meant bananas as an example of the fruit I could eat, but I was her first child, so Mom was determined to follow the doctor’s orders precisely. This meant I got straight bananas until my next checkup.

So maybe I’m just a little bit tired of bananas, but I think it’s past time for a change.

It’s time for plantains.

A yes to plantains is a yes to diversity. Choosing plantains shows you’re open-minded, cultured, and maybe even a little exotic. What is a plantain, after all, but a banana’s more intriguing foreign cousin?

Plantains also bring the bonus that they are often served fried. Fried fruit is one of the most brilliant ideas I’ve ever heard of. It’s fruit, so it’s good for you — but it’s fried, so it tastes fantastic too. And we have plantains to thank for all this.

While we’re here, this seems like a good time to dock bananas for those stringy things that stick to the sides after you peel them, and then gag you. Plantains may have them too, for all I know, but I’ve never eaten one raw, so advantage: plantain.

Plantains have real range as a food. They can be prepared before they’re ripe if you want a starchy potato-like quality, or when they’re overripe for use in desserts. In addition to being fried, they can also be baked into chips, ground into flour, or even brewed into a stiff drink if you like that sort of thing.

But perhaps the strongest case for plantains — or rather against bananas — surfaced just last month. Chiquita, the international face of the banana, pled guilty to financially supporting a terrorist organization. Where is your fruit money going? And what is that Chiquita lady hiding under that crazy fruit basket of a hat?

Ladies and gentlemen, if you vote for bananas, the terrorists have already won.

One year ago, perhaps to this very day, a professor of mine opened my eyes to the banana’s significance in our culture and the world! What could make the banana so important?

One word — infrastructure.

The revered doctor of philosophy explained that the fruit, notorious for its short period of ripeness, must be picked, shipped, sold and eaten in a period of mere days — two weeks at most. The fact that a banana can endure this entire process in much less than two weeks while being distributed worldwide is, in a word, remarkable. This, ladies and gentlemen, is infrastructure, and whenever you look at a banana, I want you to see how it represents — even created! — a worldwide food market, where farmers can sell all their crops and one farm feeds thousands. It’s a beautiful thing, a network of simple yellow fruit that sustains millions.

But that’s not the only reason bananas are far superior to plantains —

1. Have you ever tasted a plantain, let alone a fried plantain? Imagine a potato. Subtract the good taste, double the starch, squish it into the least attractive stature on the face of the earth, then realize your taste buds are numb. That is a fried plantain. I know, I had one about two weeks ago.

2. Bananas can do all those neat little tricks plantains can do. They can be fried, baked, steamed, dried for chips, blended as smoothies, added to bread, cereal, and ice cream…

3. Banana leaves can be used for umbrellas, and juice from banana corms can be extracted to create a poultice used to combat jaundice.

4. Bananas have been used in various forms of art, including a Deep Purple album, a Woody Allen film, and Giorgio de Chirico’s stunning painting, The Uncertainty of the Poet.

5. The banana split. And plus, “banana” is just a great word. There’s no way around it.

Don’t be blinded by the shameless appeal to patriotism — the fruit must not be confused with the sin! Bananas aren’t used for terrorism. All they would ever harm is cancer, heart disease, and stroke!

Maybe it’s time to thank your mom, Josh.