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Clash of the Titans XVI: Ireland v. Scotland : Bweinh!

Clash of the Titans XVI: Ireland v. Scotland

April 24, 2007, 12:30 pm; posted by
Filed under Debate, Djere, Josh J  | 13 Comments

In this corner, for the honor of Ireland, is Josh!

And in this corner, for love of Scotland, is Djere!

“The trouble with Scotland is that it’s full of Scots.” – Edward Longshanks, Braveheart

I don’t have anything against the Scots. Really, I don’t. In fact, I’m part Scottish myself. But when considering their contributions to society, all that comes to mind are dudes wearing skirts and bagpipe “music.” The former is indefensible, while the latter is actually a thing of beauty when done well. Of course, too often it’s not done well, and it sounds like a cow in the fourth hour of labor.

And so I proudly embrace my Irish heritage. First off, there are few things in this world more useful than being able to say “Kiss me, I’m Irish!” I’ve never actually had occasion to use it, but it’s still a great ace in the hole if necessary.

Ireland has given us the Blarney Stone, perhaps the greatest trick ever played on tourists. We have Ireland to thank for leprechauns, sitting at the end of rainbows guarding their bowls of Lucky Charms. And you have to love St. Patrick’s Day, where millions of non-Irish still choose to wear green in tribute.

In third grade, my teacher took a large chunk of St Patrick’s Day to teach us charming Irish tunes. I still remember Molly Malone and another one about McGuiness and McCarthy:

Oh, McGuiness was dead
and McCarthy didn’t know it,
McCarthy was dead
and McGuiness didn’t know it,
The both of them there
in the very same bed,
And neither of them knew
that the other was dead.

That’s just good clean fun, and one of the few things I remember learning, so many years later.

So I’m proud to have the luck of the Irish. They say it’s better to be lucky than good, but we Irish don’t have to choose.

It’s a real pity that when St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, he left behind a country full of rats. You can keep your cesspool of religious and political instability; I’ll take Scotland. I’ll be brief so the Irish can keep up.

–Scots are tougher–
Look, you may have the Boondock Saints, but that’s complete fiction. It’s a fine movie, but Braveheart and Rob Roy were better and more historically accurate. While the Scots were busy beating off Roman assaults, roughing it in the Highlands, and tossing cabers for fun, the Irish were field-dancing, Maypole-prancing, virgin-sacrificing Celtic pagans. After engaging the Scots in battle, Hadrian decided they were too brutal to conquer, so he built a wall to keep them out… or hide behind. Scottish warriors showed up for battle covered in the national flower of Scotland — the thistle. What’s the national flower of Ireland, hops?

–Scots are smarter–
Most of the richest, best and brightest minds in the modern world were Scots: Andrew Carnegie, Adam Smith, Sean Connery. After all, there are 2 ways to get rich — Protestant work ethic or the luck of the Irish. What’s Ireland produced other than 8 million short- tempered bartenders, a marshmallow- pushing midget, and the questionably- oriented self-proclaimed “Lord of the Dance”? Oh, and relying completely on the potato as a food source? Good call.

St. Patrick’s Day is overrated. Every time March rolls around, you hear the same thing from every frat boy you meet. “What’s the matter, buddy? Everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day!! Whooo!” Wrong. I know you’re searching for identity, little fratling, but I already found mine, and it’s much better than beer pong, shamrocks and leprechauns. Not everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day, not even St. Patrick! The Irish had to kidnap him!

Frankly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the mark of the beast were a clover.

P.S. — As there is no Jew or Greek in Christ, so there is no Scot nor Irish. :-D
So Karen, babe, stop ignoring my phone calls!

Which side are you on?
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13 Comments to “Clash of the Titans XVI: Ireland v. Scotland”

  1. Karen on April 24th, 2007 1:59 pm

    for some reason all i can think of reading this is the janitor from the simpsons

  2. aaron.guest on April 24th, 2007 2:18 pm

    Best accent: Ireland. The scottish accent resembles to much of Australia. The difference indiscernable to the average ear. The scots are like speak like cold Australians.

    Viva la Ireland.

  3. Andrew on April 24th, 2007 5:19 pm

    I went with Scotland because I’m more Scottish than Irish.
    However, Ireland does have some very good things going for it… U2, Snow Patrol, anyone?

  4. Scott on April 24th, 2007 5:43 pm

    Can’t vote on this one… I have both identities flowing through my veins.

  5. Steve on April 25th, 2007 12:56 am

    I have to say I did not expect 11-3 for Scotland.

  6. WallacePMacSweet on April 25th, 2007 9:09 am

    A grand victory.

  7. Chloe on April 25th, 2007 9:52 am

    Eh, the only reason Scotland is winning is because all y’all Maxon peoples are biased. Anyway, the Irish accent is about a thousand times hotter than the Scottish. Plus my ancestors had a castle in Ireland. Who here has a castle in Scotland? No one! Yay for Ireland!

  8. WallacePMacSweet on April 25th, 2007 10:26 am

    I’ve a grand estate in Scotland with moores, and meres and lots of merry lads and lasses strollin’ about.

  9. Steve on April 25th, 2007 10:35 am

    But there aren’t 11 Maxon voters; there were probably only 4.

  10. WallacePMacSweet on April 25th, 2007 10:55 am

    And I did not vote.

  11. Djere on April 25th, 2007 6:51 pm

    There are far more castles in Scotland. And grander they by far.

    “Will I get to kill the English?”

    Furthermore, what about the Welsh?

  12. Job Tate on April 25th, 2007 11:13 pm


    I’ve got royal Scottish blood flowing in these veins.

  13. Djere on April 26th, 2007 5:29 pm

    Ach! Aye!

    A fine day for Scotland!

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