Introducing David — Porous Borders

April 20, 2007, 9:00 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Humor  | 7 Comments

Please read the biographies of MC-B, David, and the rest of our Bweinh!tributors here!

My annoyance, which has been growing for several years, has finally reached the stage of outrage. I live in this country, I pay my taxes, and I expect in return to be “protected against all foes, foreign and domestic.” This is, I think, a reasonable expectation. But the deplorable and porous state of our borders has finally been brought home to me resulting in what I can only term, again, as utter outrage!

I recently read that a colony of Brahminy Blind Snakes has been discovered in Georgia, and in fact, they have been there for at least two winters.

What? Blind snakes? Forget the obvious question of how the heck they even found their way here — WHY COULDN’T WE STOP THEM?

As an astute student of the history of our invasive species, I have known for years about the Brazilian fire ants that first arrived in cargo holds during the 1930s. I have seen for myself the spread of armadillos, which first escaped from a traveling circus in Florida in 1936. I have watched in terror as Africanized “killer bees” have slowly worked their way north from the jungles of Central America, I have noted with alarm the Japanese invasion of kudzu and wisteria vines that strangle native trees, consuming barns and farmhouses, and I have followed the inroads of the Asian carp, described as “super-sized cousins of the common carp . . . threatening to forever change life in the Great Lakes region.” I have read with horror the chronicled deeds of the fighting eels that are decimating populations of bass and crappy in the southeast. Even the cogon and zebra mussel invasions I have borne with grace and fortitude.

But blind snakes? For the love of all that’s good! Have we become such a weak and decadent society that a snake the size of an earthworm — WITHOUT WORKING EYES — can easily penetrate our vaunted Homeland Security? Something has to be done. I’m no hero, just a copier salesman, but I am willing — if the support is there — to seek the GOP nomination for President, with noted biologist Thomas Maxon as my running mate, and a strong anti-invasive species plank in my platform.

That is, if my platform hasn’t already been consumed by Formosan termites…


Comments

7 Comments to “Introducing David — Porous Borders”

  1. Tejla on April 20th, 2007 4:54 pm

    I just recently learned about these blind snakes in my bio lab class and got to see the vile creature for myself! The good news is that their limited senses and mobility will probably prevent them from crossing a yard in their lifetime, so a full scale invasion of America could take a while. An invasive species I worry about more is the “curly tailed lizard” which I understand came from the Bahamas, but I’m not sure about that. I do know that they eat the smaller lizards that are native, the bugs that the native lizards feed on, and EACH OTHER! that’s right. cannibals. in the mean time, there are no mosquitos in West Palm Beach. :)

  2. dsweetgoober on April 20th, 2007 8:23 pm

    I’ll have to appoint a committee to look into the curly lizard thing.

  3. Tom on April 20th, 2007 11:01 pm

    I’m more of an invasive plants man, but I’m willing to throw my substantive attention span behind the issue of these terrible creatures which have Hey a frisbee!

  4. dsweetgoober on April 21st, 2007 10:14 am

    In politics it’s good to have a running mate who is easily distracted.

  5. MC-B on April 21st, 2007 11:35 am

    I wonder if Warwick E. Kerr ever gets nasty letters about the whole killer bees thing.

  6. dsweetgoober on April 21st, 2007 6:00 pm

    Who is he?

  7. MC-B on April 23rd, 2007 9:35 pm

    The guy who brought Africanized bees to America.

    Thanks, man!

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