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Clash of the Titans XXI: Europe v. the US : Bweinh!

Clash of the Titans XXI: Europe v. the US

May 11, 2007, 12:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Chloe, Debate, Djere  | 15 Comments

In this corner, supporting Europe, is Chloe!

And in this corner, arguing for the USA , is Djere!

I know what you’re thinking. “Europe? I’m not voting for Europe!” But please put aside your ethnocentrism — voting for Europe does not make you a bad American. In fact, many Americans prefer Europe, not because it’s better than the US, but because it’s older. Europe has millennia on us, which makes their history a lot more interesting. Starting with the Greeks and Romans and moving to the Goths and Visigoths, Picts and Celts, Germans and Gauls, you’ve got it all — intellectualism, art, ancient architecture, mysteries, magic, and intrigue. I’m not talking a couple hundred years, either; Europe goes all the way back to Julius Caesar. And speaking of Caesar, Europe also has Shakespeare. That’s about a thousand bonus points right there.

If that doesn’t convince you, I’m going to guess that you’re still sticking to your patriotism, and good for you! Patriotism is great, but like I said before, voting for Europe is not unpatriotic. You will not be arrested for treason, I think. I could be wrong. If I am, you can take it up with Steve. He’s a lawyer.

But if that doesn’t convince you, I’ll appeal to the higher good. Europe has the church fathers. Aquinas, Ignatius, Augustine, Tertullian, Francis, Claire, Catherine, Wesley, Teresa: Open any book of church teachings and you’ll find Europeans. America has Joseph Smith and the Westboro Baptist Church.

Plus, Djere is right. Europe invented America. In fact, Europe invented our democratic system! Locke and Smith were English, Hume was Scottish, and Tocqueville and Montesquieu were French. Without Europe, where would America be? Well, it wouldn’t.

Also, there’s the Beatles.

My last point is short and simple, and for the women. Have you ever tried European chocolate?

Europe versus the United States? Please. In this post-9/11 age, I don’t even have to write anything, just post a sparkly animated GIF of the American flag. But I’m a traditionalist, and since the founding of this country, we’ve been beating Europe, so why stop now?

First, as a gesture of good will, let’s go over some of what ol’ Europe has going for it. For starters, Europeans invented America.

Second…ummmm, second… Oh! Second, Swiss Army Knives. And third, Scotland.

Now that the niceties are out of the way, let’s get to business. Europe is an aging, decrepit, socialist cesspool full of arrogant, bigoted Europeans. But not for long. Soon it will be full of dead, arrogant, bigoted Europeans and angry, disaffected Muslim youth.

America is great because of Americans like Ronald Reagan. Europe is terrible because of Europeans like Stalin, Hitler, Chirac, the anti-Christ, and “Lord of the Dance” Michael Flatley.

Man, this is like batting practice. Europeans are godless, they invented communism, legalized drugs and prostitution, their athletes can’t get half as many Olympic medals as ours, and you know the North American All-Stars are *sooo* much better than the “World” All-Stars in the NHL.

Sure, we’ve made our mistakes, but there’s time for us to change. Europe? We’d be better off burning it down and rebuilding America II from scratch.

‘Boom!,’ goes London, ‘Boom!’ Paris! More room for you, and more room for me…

Cheers, mates.

Which side are you on?
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15 Comments to “Clash of the Titans XXI: Europe v. the US”

  1. Tom on May 11th, 2007 1:01 pm

    Chloe, you appeal to the voters to put aside their ethnocentrism, but then claim Europe deserves a vote because “Europe has millennia on us?” The culture of Europe today (and even as far back as the Middle Ages) has about as much in common with the Europe of Julius Caesar and the Visigoths as modern America does with the gatherer-hunters of prehistory who followed the mammoths from the already sinking ship that was Eurasia to the unspoilt, virgin landscapes of Vespucci’s mistress. Who are you to say that a written rather than oral history is “more interesting?” I fear the anglophilic blinders of your own brand of self-loathing ethnocentrism have done their job too well.

    And for the record I don’t take exception to your choices of American theologians. I’ll take a thousand Joseph Smiths spinning lies at the head of an army of grace-free Westboro Baptist Church lunatics before I resort to marinating the stones of my continent with the blood of those who chose to disagree with my doctrine. G-d bless the USA.

  2. Steve on May 11th, 2007 1:40 pm

    Wow. 10 points to whomever diagrams those sentences.

  3. aarong on May 11th, 2007 2:11 pm

    Europe has fjords. Don’t forget the fjords.

    And an army of grace-free Westboro Baptists? I don’t know what that means but, franklin, I’m a little frightened.

  4. Chase on May 11th, 2007 4:12 pm

    Sorry Chloe but Europe is History (great history yes) but they kind of forgot about that whole God thing. And um… yeah… that kind of screwed them over in the long run (Sadly America is following suit).

  5. Djere on May 11th, 2007 5:14 pm

    I’m sure Alaska has fjords. BETTER fjords! Strong, healthy, meat-eating, freedom-loving AMERICAN FJORDS!

    And Thomas’ sentences are correct: the Greek and Roman civilizations are nothing like the slothful three-day workweek Europeans of today.

    And in 100 years, Europe went from one of the strongholds of ‘Christendom’ to extinction.


    P.S. European chocolate is terrible. I’m an All-American Hershey’s boy m’self. But hey, Chloe, feel free to let the rich, delicate layers of the Ferrero-Rocher take you off to your communal hazelnut farm. Ugh.

  6. Chloe on May 11th, 2007 9:59 pm

    Djere, you’ve never tasted European chocolate. And my word, if you think Hershey chocolate is good, then lay off the hot sauce. You’re losing your taste buds!

  7. MC-B on May 12th, 2007 1:23 am

    She’s right about Hershey’s chocolate. As a whole, Europe’s alright, but it doesn’t beat the good ol’ USA.

    Kudos to Chloe for taking on the tougher side given our typical readership and writer pool, though.

  8. Karen on May 12th, 2007 10:07 am

    Dj, I’ll eat a good old Hershey’s bar with you any day…

  9. dsweetgoober on May 12th, 2007 3:51 pm

    Speaking of chocolate. Thanks alot Djere. I have been scouring the stores around here trying to satisfy a SKYBAR craving for a week now. I can’t find one anywhere.

  10. Katherine on May 14th, 2007 11:45 am

    I think you might be able to find a skybar at Cracker Barrel. I will check next time I am in. Additionally American Chocolate is good because it is full of sugar!

  11. Tom on May 15th, 2007 12:38 pm

    Thanks, Mrs. Sweet, for switching names so I’ll know who’s who!

  12. Dsweetgoober on May 15th, 2007 3:06 pm

    And don’t mention anything to the other Mrs. Sweet about the candy bar thing.

  13. Chloe on May 15th, 2007 8:15 pm

    What’s a skybar? Is it something I could get in London? I can hook you up!

  14. dsweetgoober on May 15th, 2007 8:42 pm

    Djere just did an article on it last week. It was an American product that flopped. If you can find one in London I would be willing to pay for one. Up to …um…3 pounds. Is that alot?

  15. dsweetgoober on May 16th, 2007 11:29 am

    Thanks Katherine, you always have the answer.

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