Clash of the Titans XXV: Superman v. Spiderman

May 29, 2007, 2:30 pm; posted by
Filed under Debate, Djere, Josh J  | 1 Comment

In this corner, arguing for Superman, is Job Djere!

And in this corner, supporting Spiderman, is Josh!

Honestly, let’s think this one through. A man who wears tight spandex, shoots webs, and has a “spidey sense” that “tingles” is no match for a man who wears tight spandex, shoots laser beams from his eyes, can fly, has super strength, and X-Ray vision.

The last son of Krypton, Kal-El, would literally tear Peter Parker a new cephalothorax.

For goodness sake, Spiderman doesn’t even wear a cape! And did you even watch Spiderman 3? I just about died laughing when ol’ Pete started crying like a cheerleader with a skinned knee.

“Mary Jane! Come back to me! I love you!” Boo hoo hoo. Try having your entire planet explode, then talk to somebody about how much it hurts to lose your loved ones.

Superman knows much about teamwork. As a founding member of the Justice League of America, he helped the League defeat giant space starfish Starro the Conqueror, among many other threats to national security. That’s right, nothing quite embodies America like Superman, what with his ongoing fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

Superman received his superpowers, not at birth, but by his transportation to our planet. Here, powered by Earth’s Yellow Sun, his latent abilities as a Kryptonian become useful.

Josh, perhaps you’ve been bitten by one bug too many. If you’re waiting for those cockroaches to transform you into UltraRoach, or whatever you’re hoping, perhaps you should volunteer for the next trip to Beta Centauri. Perhaps the light of the Blue-White giant will enhance your ability to live for a month without your head.

Let’s find out.

Unless your spidey sense is tingling.

In which case, I’ll let you outside.

Just don’t tingle on the carpet again.

I lost the ability to take Superman seriously around the time that Five for Fighting released that terrible song, whining about how much it sucks to be able to fly.

I’m sure the song made a lot of money; it couldn’t possibly have been on the radio more often. But for me, it had the unintended consequence of cementing Superman’s status as the boring hero. He has no flaws. Since there’s nothing he can’t do, there can be no true drama. The only question in every single battle is whether the villain remembered to pack Kryptonite. How many times can we see that same story?

And trust me — I wear glasses. When I take them off, people still recognize me, even if I comb my hair.

Spiderman is the people’s champion. He’s one of us, thrust into the position of being a hero. He has an enviable set of powers — he can climb walls, jump great distances and has increased strength and balance, not to mention his Spidey sense. But he still has enough shortcomings to provide intrigue and require some brainwork, or even teamwork, to defeat his villains. He has to put in work to develop his skill and augment his arsenal. Spiderman has a brilliant and concealing costume and is perhaps the wittiest of all superheroes.

It’s also a far more credible proposition that I could one day be Spiderman. I’ve never been to another planet, but I’ve been bitten by plenty of bugs.

My favorite part about Spiderman is his motto — “with great power comes great responsibility.” Put another way, you might say that from those to whom much has been given, much will be required.

Spiderman learned the same lesson I had hammered into me growing up. I’m not here to jump over buildings, race bullets, or arm-wrestle trains. I’m just here to do my part to save the world.



1 Comment to “Clash of the Titans XXV: Superman v. Spiderman”

  1. Chloe on May 30th, 2007 7:26 am

    Superman is a literary Jesus figure. He wins!

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