“Hey Dave!”

May 25, 2007, 10:00 am; posted by David
Filed under Articles, David, Humor | No Comments

Today I’ve taken over the Dear Abby advice column and I’m going to answer a little of her mail.

~~Dear Abby~~ Hey Dave:
I am a 27-year-old stay-at-home mom with three kids and I need help. I’m a very depressed person and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend way too much, and I don’t know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel happy, so when I’m depressed (which is often), I go shopping for stuff I don’t even need. I feel horrible! My husband and I have tried separate bank accounts, but when I run low, I just tap right into his. Please help me! I don’t know what to do.
Spend-a-holic in Ventura

Dear Spend-a-holic:
Wow…where were you when I was selling cars for a living?

~~Dear Abby~~ Hey Dave:
I have a 4-year-old who tends to act up from time to time. I’ve tried “timeouts,” soft spanking and have taken his privileges away, but nothing seems to work. I have found that smashing one of his small toys with a hammer works well. Do you see any damage in this sort of punishment?
Young Mom in Oklahoma

Dear Thor:
You make quite a leap there in your punitive responses. “Time out… a soft spanking… NOW I’M SMASHING YOUR TOYS WITH A HAMMER!!! DO YOU LIKE THAT??”

Have you thought of running for president? “I sent a protest letter to Iran, then I tried some economic sanctions… NOW I’M NUKING SMALL CITIES!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! AND IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING!!!”

~~Dear Abby~~ Hey Dave:
My husband and I feel terrible. Our dog just killed our neighbor’s young turkey. We saw “Tuffy” running away, dragging the bird in his mouth. Needless to say, Tuffy will never be allowed off his leash outside anymore, but what is the proper way to make this up to the farmer?
Embarrassed in Liberty

Dear Embarrassed:
Simply invite them over for Thanksgiving and serve Tuffy. That should even things up a little!