Quote of the Day, 5/28/07

05/28/2007, 7:00 am -- by | 3 Comments

“It is not only the living who are killed in war.” — I. Asimov

Bweinh! Soundtrack — Barenaked Ladies

05/27/2007, 7:40 pm -- by | 2 Comments

Every weekend, a different Bweinh!tributor will discuss a song or songwriter that inspires or interests them. Read the first eight soundtrack entries here.

I’ll admit it. I was introduced to the music of the Barenaked Ladies by that New York lotto commercial where average people (just like you and me!) sing about what they’d do if they had a million dollars. Buying cars, houses, and just being rich. At the time, my father had the largest music collection of anyone I knew, and he was very familiar with the group that had written and performed the song originally. He introduced me to the full version, which was not only about cars and houses but also about Kraft dinner and pre-wrapped sausages.

From that first listen, I was hooked. Sure, the version in the commercial was nice to listen to, but the things that average, boring people were singing their hearts out about buying with their winnings were average, boring things. The full version was much more fun, and told a story about the potential use of vast amounts of wealth that I could relate to during my youth, namely squandering it on “the fanciest Dijon ketchups.” It even had a pun in it.

In a broader sense, I suppose that’s why BNL is near the top of my list of preferred artists. Their music isn’t so dense and esoteric that I can’t relate to it, but it also still sounds as though the group actually enjoys writing and singing it. In a word, it’s fun. (The full text of this article was originally going to be one sentence about how much fun BNL is, but we in the stable of Bweinh!tributors are paid by the word, or so I’m told.) Sure, some of their music slithers its way into Lotto and car commercials, but it still doesn’t sound anything like another boy band trying to churn out another hit single about how its collective girlfriend left forever to be with someone new. Sniff, sniff.

For one quick example, take “Be My Yoko Ono.” In the words of Wikipedia, “in the song the narrator explains that he would be willing to give up everything to be with the person he loves by comparing their relationship to the one between Yoko Ono and John Lennon.” Certainly unique, and enjoyable enough to merit a listen. Barenaked Ladies: still one of the best things ever to come out of Canada.

Dot What?

05/25/2007, 4:30 pm -- by | No Comments

On this, the day before his brother’s wedding, we present a post from the Best of Josh, originally published on November 2, 2006.

The other day I met a charming young lady who needed some information from me. She gave me her email address which ended with @pmusa.com. I had never seen that particular suffix before, and I was curious, so I asked.

“Phillip Morris. I work for Marlboro.”

Whoa.

“Yeah, we’re not the most popular company right now.”

Now let me be clear about a few things here. First off, I think smoking is terrible, for all the obvious reasons. And I could never work for a such a company because I wouldn’t be able to reconcile this with my convictions.

Having said that, I think the lawsuits against these companies are laughable. I also don’t think people who work for these companies are any more morally responsible than the corner store clerk that sells the cigarrettes, and we don’t vilify them.

But the fact remains that these companies have taken a huge PR hit. There are some pretty aggressive ad campaigns with them in the crosshairs (although I really enjoy the Phillip Morris-produced anti-tobacco ads. They’re almost as funny as the comercials that come on during televised poker where some casino guy tells you, “There are some times when you shouldn’t gamble.” Yeah, right.). The executives have been portrayed as outright murderous pariahs, and justifiably so in many cases.

I don’t say all this to bash the woman in question. She seems like a nice enough person. I’m just saying that if I had to give my email to a total stranger for non-work related matters, I think I would have a back-up. Something that didn’t sound like josh@Ikillpeople.com.

“Hey Dave!”

05/25/2007, 10:00 am -- by | No Comments

Today I’ve taken over the Dear Abby advice column and I’m going to answer a little of her mail.

Dear Abby Hey Dave:
I am a 27-year-old stay-at-home mom with three kids and I need help. I’m a very depressed person and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend way too much, and I don’t know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel happy, so when I’m depressed (which is often), I go shopping for stuff I don’t even need. I feel horrible! My husband and I have tried separate bank accounts, but when I run low, I just tap right into his. Please help me! I don’t know what to do.
Spend-a-holic in Ventura

Dear Spend-a-holic:
Wow…where were you when I was selling cars for a living?

 
Dear Abby Hey Dave:
I have a 4-year-old who tends to act up from time to time. I’ve tried “timeouts,” soft spanking and have taken his privileges away, but nothing seems to work. I have found that smashing one of his small toys with a hammer works well. Do you see any damage in this sort of punishment?
Young Mom in Oklahoma

Dear Thor:
You make quite a leap there in your punitive responses. “Time out… a soft spanking… NOW I’M SMASHING YOUR TOYS WITH A HAMMER!!! DO YOU LIKE THAT??”

Have you thought of running for president? “I sent a protest letter to Iran, then I tried some economic sanctions… NOW I’M NUKING SMALL CITIES!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! AND IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING!!!”

 
Dear Abby Hey Dave:
My husband and I feel terrible. Our dog just killed our neighbor’s young turkey. We saw “Tuffy” running away, dragging the bird in his mouth. Needless to say, Tuffy will never be allowed off his leash outside anymore, but what is the proper way to make this up to the farmer?
Embarrassed in Liberty

Dear Embarrassed:
Simply invite them over for Thanksgiving and serve Tuffy. That should even things up a little!

Joke of the Day, 5/25/07

05/25/2007, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

Two aging Catholic priests went to the Vatican for the first time, to visit the great library of church documents. Because they were great scholars, they were given access to the oldest text in the city, dating from the inauguration of the rite of priestly ordination.

One of the priests had an appointment to meet with a cardinal, and when he returned to the room where they had been working, he found his counterpart weeping bitterly.

“What is the matter?”

“This text — our monks have copied it faithfully by hand for years, correct?”

“Why yes, that is true.”

“Might there have been some small error made along the way??”

“Perhaps — we are but human.”

“So is it not possible that one minor mistake, made thousands of years ago, may have been copied, over and over again, ever since???”

“I suppose that could be. But why do you ask?”

Weeping again, the scholar thrust the ancient text toward his friend.

“It says cel-EBRATE!”

The Greatest Humanitarian?

05/24/2007, 7:17 pm -- by | 2 Comments

Last Friday I went to the movies with my girlfriend (and sister to several of my fellow Bweinh!tributors) Rose to see Shrek 3. The movie was alright, certainly not as good as either of its predecessors, but it is not the movie itself with which I am concerned. Instead, it was the ticket-buying process.

I was just returning from a trip to Basileia, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship NY/NJ’s biggest throwdown of the year, and feeling generous when the lady at the ticket counter asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to some organization whose name I can’t remember. When I asked her what the organization did, she said that it had something to do with heart disease. I assumed they took the “anti” side and assented.

Of course, this put me into the dire predicament of having to sign my name on a star to put onto the wall near the ticket counter. I was fairly certain that no one ever, EVER read the names on the wall; still, it seemed tacky to put only my name on the star, but it seemed equally so to put both our names on it as though we could only come up with a dollar between us to fight the evils of heart disease.

Another person working the other side of the ticket counter piped up and said that I should sign “Batman.” I think I must’ve given her a funny look because she went on to explain that people often sign with superhero names, with Batman and the X-Men making frequent appearances. I thought it was an interesting tradition, but I thought it was too obvious for superheroes to take a stand against suffering. It’s practically in the job description. The next minute or so was devoted to thinking up ideas for my signature (it was a slow period at the counter).

Suddenly, one of us stumbled upon it. A name so controversial that I recommend a new Clash of the Titans right here and now to resolve the greatest debate of our time:

Robert Goulet: The Greatest Humanitarian?

I Love This Bar

05/24/2007, 3:30 pm -- by | 4 Comments

This post fulfills a promise I made on May 12, 2004.

I talked to a few million people a few years ago. It was on the radio, the Rush Limbaugh Show, actually, and I had called to argue with the host about the meaning of Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone. He thought the author was interested in some ludicrous governmental solution to the problem of decreased activity in civil society, such as bowling leagues, voluntary associations, and churches.

I told him I thought it was much more of a (small-r) republican book, calling for a return to the America de Tocqueville wrote about, the one where people banded together in churches and associations and did good for each other, meeting their needs for social interaction at the same time they benefited the community.

I was right, and he said so.

But regardless of what Putnam meant, the problem remains. Voluntary social and charitable associations like the Lions Club, the Masons, and the American Legion continue to get grayer and grayer. Many old-line denominational churches have seen dramatic dropoffs in attendance, possibly because much of their ‘ministry’ consisted only in providing a place for ancients to meet, greet, and eat.

As Rush and I agreed, the Internet and cell phones (not to mention the iPod) are making it easier and easier to live a totally compartmentalized life, where interaction with others can be carefully limited and even planned, taking place on one’s own terms rather than as part of the collision and chaos of real life.

There are some exceptions in the culture at large. Certain churches, which combine a real and worshipful devotion for God with a desire to live in authentic community and engage the outside world, have grown and grown in attendance as secular groups have faltered.

And people still go to bars.

Toby Keith had a hit in 2003 with I Love This Bar, a song about a place with ‘winners,’ ‘losers,’ ‘bikers,’ ‘suckers,’ ‘broken-hearted fools’ and ‘yuppies’ — all identified in only the first two verses!

The chorus reads like a sociological case study, although written on a 3rd-grade level:
I love this bar. It’s my kind of place.
Just walkin’ through the front door puts a big smile on my face.
It ain’t too far. Come as you are.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, I love this bar.

Keith’s bar is precisely HALF of what America wants and needs from its civil organizations. A place where everyone is safe and accepted, where lines of class and race are ignored, where anyone can legitimately feel at home. But the feeling of community in even the most congenial neighborhood tavern exists because of the desire for profit. And although the bonds forged over a Heineken may be no less strong than those forged on a Habitat for Humanity site, it’s important to remember the other half of our civil society, the selfless half.

Humans are social creatures, but proper civil society should and must harness that sociability to benefit more than just ourselves. The occasional spaghetti dinner to benefit a cancer patient is something. But in comparison to a sadly shriveling organization like the Shriners, who have devoted themselves to the care of sick children, it seems not nearly enough.

Tocqueville his own self wrote, “Two things in America are astonishing: the changeableness of most human behavior and the strange stability of certain principles. Men are constantly on the move, but the spirit of humanity seems almost unmoved.”

Perhaps the problem with America is not that we no longer engage in the typical and stable principles of civil and social behavior, but that we seem unable to do so anymore without alcohol — depressant, social lubricant and lowerer of inhibitions. Even a bar as wonderful as the one in Toby Keith’s imagination can never replicate real, authentic community.

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Animals

05/24/2007, 10:00 am -- by | No Comments

Today’s Ask Bweinh! poll is sponsored by a dear friend of the site: Cerberus, the three-headed hell hound! Cerberus

Rank Animal Points
1. Dog 27
2. Cat 13
3-7 (tie) Lemur, Fox, Lion, Capybara, Ants 5
8-13 (tie) Squirrel, the Wallaby, Platypus, Armadillo, Gnu, Zebra 4
Other Cow, Mouse, Chimpanzee, Salmon, Rhodesian Ridgeback Ferret, Elephant, Goat, Cougar, Rabbit, Tiger, Monkey, Duck, Bear, Sasquatch, Parrot, Gibbon, Beetles, Seagull, Chicken Cow, Sharks (with Laser Beams), Honeybee 1-3

Quote of the Day, 5/24/07

05/24/2007, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

“War is like love; it always finds a way.” – B. Brecht

Battle of the Bands XII

05/23/2007, 2:30 pm -- by | No Comments

Last week’s winners: Just as Ugly and Five Times Benjamin.

Here are the newest proposed band names! The best will move on this Saturday.

{democracy:40}

Bible Discussion — Genesis 44-46

05/23/2007, 12:30 pm -- by | 6 Comments

This week, Bweinh.com looks at the next three chapters of the Bible, Genesis 44-46.

Previously in Genesis:
1-4 | 5-9 | 10-14 | 15-18-2 | 19-22 | 23-26
27-29 | 30-32 | 33-36 | 37-39 | 40-43

 
INTRODUCTION:
Steve:
One of my least favorite tactics in weekly sitcoms was the pivotal “To Be Continued” episode. Even in the most formulaic of comedies, when even a ten-year-old knew precisely how the dilemma would eventually be resolved, there was always that moment of regret and horror when it became clear you would have to wait SEVEN more days for the ending.

Well, here’s that ending, and this time, it was well worth the wait.

David:
In this section Joseph is reunited with his brethren and his father, and they move into Egypt to fulfill the prophecy that they would be enslaved for 400 years before a deliverer would arise.

 
SOMETHING YOU’D NEVER NOTICED BEFORE:
Steve:
Judah didn’t lie to Joseph when he explained the family history — Joseph did go out from him, he really did SAY, “Surely he is torn to pieces,” and he truly believed he had never seen him since. Perhaps this technical truthfulness was connected to the role he believed God would play in the decision about the theft of the silver cup.

Josh:
When Jacob agreed to go down to Egypt, neither he nor anyone with him had any idea how exactly to get where they were actually going. Who says men won’t ask for directions?

MC-B:
I never realized how extensively detailed the list of the people who went to Egypt was.

 
BEST BAND NAME FROM THE PASSAGE:
MC-B: The Sons of Gad
Chloe: Closely Bound, Directions to Goshen
Steve, Josh: Loaded Donkey
Josh: Pharaoh’s Daddy
David: Muppim, Huppim and Ard
Job: Boyhood On

Continued here!

Francis Bacon

05/23/2007, 11:30 am -- by | No Comments

I read a few essays by Francis Bacon last year, and while revisiting some notes I took on them, I found some of my favorite quotes. I hope they convince you to read Bacon’s essays, since his brilliant philosophy and theology has influenced so much of how we think today.

They that deny a God, destroy man’s nobility; for certainly man is of kin to the beasts, by his body; and if he be not of kin to God, by his spirit, he is a base and ignoble creature.

God never wrought miracles, to convince atheism, because his ordinary works convince it. It is true, that a little philosophy inclineth man’s mind to atheism; but depth in philosophy bringeth men’s minds about to religion.

The first creature of God, in the works of the days, was the light of the senses, the last, was the light of reason; and his Sabbath work ever since, is the illumination of his Spirit. First he breathed light, upon the face of the matter or chaos; then he breathed light into the face of man; and still he breatheth an inspired light, into the faces of his chosen.

Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man.

Read not to contradict and refute; nor to believe and take for granted; nor to find talk and discourse; but to weigh and consider. Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested; that is, some books are to be read only in parts; others to be read, but not curiously [i.e., with great care]; and some few to be read wholly, and with diligence and attention.

Joke of the Day, 5/23/07

05/23/2007, 7:00 am -- by | 2 Comments

The Boston Celtics.

From the “Real Conversations I Have Had” Archive

05/22/2007, 2:00 pm -- by | No Comments

Goofy“Don’t misunderstand me, they’re both definitely dogs. It’s just that Pluto is more of a dog…”

“WHAT?? They’re both equally canine! How can you say that one is more dog than the other?”

“Well Goofy is just…less…of a dog. He’s kinda humanoid. He has human emotions. Drive and ambition. He’s not as, as, as dogish.”

“You kidding me?! You’re just being uppity. You’re saying that because Pluto is owned by a mouse, it makes him more of a dog…”

“See there? You just proved my point, son. He is owned. That makes him all dog. No one has to let Goofy out. No one has to roll up a newspaper and paddle him when he drags his rear along the carpet. Don’t roll your eyes at me! Goofy pees standing up! When you ask Goofy to speak he doesn’t bark twice and expect a biscuit; Goofy clears his throat and gives nothing short of a dissertation on any range of subjects!! He – is – less – of – a – dog!”

“NO!! A dingo is less of a dog than a cocker spaniel, granted. But it’s possible Goofy and Pluto are the same species! They could even have the same floppy-eared mother!!! Goofy has just climbed the social ladder with greater speed and efficiency than Pluto. Goofy has been a ‘good boy.’ What I think you fail to see here is that Goofy isn’t less than a dog…he has just also become more. He has evolved into something that is, at the same time, all dog and mostly man.”

“No, my friend. He may not be a planet anymore, but Pluto is all dog.”

Clash of the Titans XXIV: Wal*Mart

05/22/2007, 12:00 pm -- by | No Comments

In this corner, arguing for Wal*Mart, is MC-B!

 And in this corner, arguing against Wal*Mart, is Chloe!

I’m not a huge fan of Wal*Mart. When I go there, it’s crowded, I often can’t find what I’m looking for, and customer service is subpar. Their business practices aren’t beyond reproach either. But for all their failings, Wal*Mart is a very good thing for America and many, many people. The arguments in favor of Wal*Mart are straightforward: the corporation makes a great deal of money for its shareholders, while employing many and providing consumer goods at rock-bottom prices to those who may not otherwise be able to afford them. But do these benefits offset Wal*Mart’s drawbacks?

The first common criticism is that Wal*Mart shuts down small businesses. Most of the evidence of this phenomenon is anecdotal at best, but even if it really is significant, I question its importance. Most people choose to buy at Wal*Mart because of the prices, and because they see (rightfully so!) that there is nothing inherently more valuable or moral about a local sole proprietorship compared to a global corporation.

But don’t Wal*Mart’s employees have a right to unionize or get health insurance through their employer? At most other firms, the answer is a resounding “No!” Most low-wage service jobs, regardless of source, are unlikely to merit affordable health insurance or company-blessed unionization. Wal*Mart provides employees and stockholders with a choice, and the fact that people keep choosing Wal*Mart proves it’s better than some of the alternatives.

Finally, what about global sweatshop labor? Even here a choice is involved. Globalized agribusiness has made traditional farming unprofitable for many, and after a community is thus devastated, Wal*Mart enters it with promises of a reliable wage. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance? It’s a terrible situation, but it’s hard to say Wal*Mart is morally reprehensible; at worst, they are opportunistic, profiting from the evil globalization has wrought for many indigenous farmers.

Wal*Mart is simply an organization that’s taken the rules they’ve been given and followed them well; they’re on top because they’ve got a good formula. They should not be penalized or demonized, but rewarded as the system demands — if we want to change the rules by which Wal*Mart plays, it must spring from us (consumers and workers), not from inside corporate administration itself.

Can you live on $6 an hour? In a 35-hour job (since most jobs that pay that much don’t allow for anything more than part-time), you would make just under $11,000 before taxes, FICA, Worker’s Comp and health insurance. Before rent, the electricity bill, gas prices or bus fare. Before daycare, the daughter’s new shoes, and the son’s asthma medicine.

One of the strongest arguments for Wal*Mart is that it creates jobs, thus boosting the economy of an area. It’s true, Wal*Mart boasts 1 million workers nationwide. However, Wal*Mart’s wages are only enough to sustain teenagers and college students.

The most pessimistic wage for a regular Wal*Mart employee is $8700 a year; the most optimistic is $15,600 net pay, with no vacation time whatsoever. The U.S. Census Bureau reported in 2004 that “the average poverty threshold for a family of four in 2003 was $18,810; for a family of three, $14,680; for a family of two, $12,015; and for unrelated individuals, $9,393.”

Let’s be realistic. Who needs the jobs in the economically depressed areas Wal*Mart is fabled to help? Not teenagers and college students, but those with families, or the people over 25 trying to support themselves. Have you, assuming you are a single twentysomething, tried to live on $12,000 (my own calculated mean Wal*Mart salary) before expenses?

Let’s say you have a child, since it’s safe to assume some percentage of twenty-somethings working at Wal*Mart have at least one. You’re at the poverty line. Let’s say you have a bum boyfriend or girlfriend. Now you’ve made it under by a good $2,500. So what are you going to do when you can’t pay the bills or feed the kids?

You’re going to go on welfare, and welfare is paid for by everyone else’s taxes. Since you can’t afford Wal*Mart’s health care plan, which is only catastrophic coverage (and you’d be paying 35% of it anyway), you won’t be covered. If you’re over 19 and under 65, you will not be on state-provided health insurance either. You’ll just have to get sick and get over it, or let creditors ruin your credit and the hospital absorb the loss. Your one or two previously mentioned children will receive the school’s insurance, which is once again paid for by taxes.

But let’s not forget the core of the argument. Wal*Mart ‘helps’ the economy.

{democracy:39}

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