All-Time Fantasy One-Liners
June 12, 2007, 10:00 am; posted by Job Tate
Filed under Articles, Humor, Job | 4 Comments
From the Best of Job, October 2005.
These are a few things I would love to say to people in certain social situations . . . but never will.
To my waitress:
“The size and/or existence of your tip will be based entirely on this glass, and the liquid that is either kept in it or sorely lacking.”
To super-cute co-pilot Glory Waischekowski:
“That’s quite a last name you’ve got there — I can fix that for you.”*
To anyone slumped over a convenience store counter going to town with a dime on scratch-off tickets:
“You’re an idiot.”
To that dude at the coffee exchange who likes to discuss politics with me:
“You’ve been speaking for five straight minutes, pausing only briefly to draw life-sustaining oxygen into your lungs, but during those five minutes I’ve mentally balanced my checkbook, written a letter to a friend, proved the existence of God, and thought of one hundred ways I could drive your VPR-stickered Outback off the road so I’ll never have to endure this again.”
To Continental employee Robin in Albany:
“Good morning, Robin! Could you please hand the phone to someone who actually knows what they’re doing? That’d be great.”
To Gwen Stefani:
“Hello.”
To Indian telemarketers:
“Yes, I’d like to order a large pepperoni with mushrooms and green peppers. Hmm? No. Luh-arge. Mmm-hmm. Thanks. 30 minutes or less, or it’s free, right? Awesome. Thanks!!!! Bye!!!”
To frequent flyer Jean:
“Oh, hi, Jean. Do you think I’ll need 400 or 600 milligrams of ibuprofen to beat back the relentless headache you’re about to give me?”
* — not a fantasy any longer!
Related posts:
- All-Time Fantasy One-Liners, Part Two
- Clash of the Titans XLIV: “Fantasy” Games
- Jobsquatch, Vol. 1
- Jobsquatch, Vol. 3
- Epilogue
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
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What ever happened to the real Job Tate? Is he okay?
Job Tate is currently in boot camp, and you can reach him here:
SR Job Tate
Division 237 Ship 10
Recruit Training Command
3301 Indiana St
Great Lakes IL 60088-3127
He has yet to send me an update on his condition or a promised report from boot camp, but I wait in faith.
From what I have heard of boot camp, in any of the armed services, part of the experience is intentional isolation as part of the psyche stuff. I would be surprised to hear from him for like 4-6 weeks.
[...] the Best of Job, January 2006. Part one is here. This edition is unattributed, to protect the [...]