Discussing the superiority of one gender is like cleaning your bathroom floor with a cup of store brand bleach and a drinking straw. It’s dangerous, you leave with a bad taste in your mouth, and it takes a long time to do it right. But out of a sense of obligation to my worthy opponent and our reader, I’ll stick to only three important areas of life where girls “stick it to the man.”

Aesthetically speaking, womankind could not be further ahead of men. As car designers know, the human eye is naturally drawn to smooth lines rather than blocks and angles. Simply examine the contrasting silhouettes of a man and a woman. The inherent beauty of a cascading series of smooth lines and subtle curves? Or the clunky, utilitarian kludge of stark lines and sharp angles? And aesthetics go beyond mere looks. Think about the last time the passing effluvium of a passing stranger made you gag, then remember the gender of that person. Ignoring every sense but smell, would you rather be in an elevator with a man or a woman? An exhaustive staff poll revealed a near-unanimous preference for the woman. In terms of sheer aesthetics, the foundation of personal interaction, women take the cake every time.

Nature too seems to have an innate sense of the superiority of women. Were it not so, surely we would all start off as male from conception, but in fact, the opposite is true. Until testosterone has time to work its corruption on a developing fetus, we’re all ladies. In fact, science itself has come to the point where, if all men were to drop off the face of the earth, humanity would go on. The dizzying concept of human cloning is even now a realistic mode of procreation. The miracle within a miracle that makes cloning possible? A female. Nature and science themselves heap the lioness’ share of their acclaim at the feet of woman.

The societal aspects of female superiority are difficult to perceive on the surface. After all, the direct, visceral impact of women at the reins of power has only been felt in the last few generations, after centuries of seemingly trifling forays into improving society. The true power of women is that, though men comprise the vast majority of decision makers and power brokers, almost every advance has been designed to impress women. Without women, men would have no reason to earn a lot of money, fix up their house, wear clean clothes, or even stop living in caves. “Eh, I’d build a house, or at least put some skins on the floor, but the game is on!” Women civilize society in general; in areas of former East Germany, men outnumber women 100 to 80, so now the men devoid of a reason to raise themselves are reforming into a fascist political element akin to the infamous Nazi party. Left to their own devices, without the muses of civility, men devolve into shiftless, warmongering malcontents.

Despite my having held the Bweinh.com Frederick Nietzsche Chair of Misogyny since its inception in June 1996, I cannot argue with aesthetics, nature, or society. You go, girls.

Allow me to present to you two situations, both entirely probable:

Situation One

Meet Joe. He plays football. In the last game, Joe dropped the ball five feet from the touchdown line and lost the game.

Meet Bill. He’s Joe’s teammate. After the game Bill complained to several other players that he had told Coach from the beginning that Joe shouldn’t be allowed on the team because he wasn’t a good enough player. He completely blames Joe for the loss and makes a few comments about Joe’s mother to prove his point.

Situation Two

Meet Jill. She plays volleyball. In the last game, Jill made a bad serve, losing the championship game.

Meet Brenda. She’s Jill’s teammate. After the game Jill complained to several other players that she had told everyone that Jill never should have been on the team because she didn’t care enough about volleyball. She completely blames Jill for the loss, and
makes a few comments about the size of Jill’s thighs to prove her point. She also calls her a whore.

Let us examine these two entirely probable situations. What do you think will happen?

Joe will push by Bill in the locker room the next day. Bill will say, “Watch where you’re going, butterfingers!” To which Joe will reply, “You watch it!” And then he will commence pounding Bill’s face in with his fist.

There will be a scuffle, a little blood, and a visit to the principal’s office. They will be threatened with expulsion from the team, but it won’t really matter anyway because they already lost the championship. They will later laugh about their shared peril and high-five each other in the halls.

Jill will talk to her friends about what Brenda said, and say a few things herself. Soon there will be a rumor that Brenda is a drug pusher and that Jill is sleeping with the gym teacher. They will hate each other with venom and never cease thinking up vicious lies about each other to spread around.

Before their ten-year reunion, they will join dieting programs, trade in their beer-bellied husbands for pool boys and buy extravagant diamond rings, to prove to the other that they were not any of the things the other called them. They will speak politely with each other at the reunion, then turn around and tell their old friends that the other is a terrible word that would be a disgrace to print on Bweinh.com.

That is why boys are so much better than girls.