Punching Up the Resume

June 5, 2007, 10:00 am; posted by Job Tate
Filed under Articles, Humor, Job | No Comments

From the Best of Job, originally published in September 2005.

Trooper Perkins and I have discussed in detail some romantic resume boosters that no one thinks about, but would be incredibly cash. These aren’t necessarily the type of women you’d want to marry, or the type to take home to Mother; just the kind of thing that would enliven dinner-table conversation and make you seem like a well-rounded romancer.

These are the top 5.

1. Saudi Arabian Princess Saudi
European monarchies are so worn-out, not to mention inbred. Saying “I dated a Saudi princess for a while,” carries with it all sorts of cool baggage. Their exotic quotient could knock an English duchess cold, you’d have a file at the FBI (but for love!), you’d probably have some cool gifts to sell on eBay, and your breakup story could be the best in the hemisphere — totally unembellished.

“Yeah, dude. She was like, ‘Worship my god and move to the motherland, and you’ll live in unspeakable luxury and extravagance, your every need and desire met before you can even conjure them up!’ And I was like, ‘Step off, sugar! These colors don’t run.'”

You could totally dedicate that break-up to the troops.

carnie 2. Carnie
This carries some qualifiers. The girl at the Tilt-a-Whirl ain’t gonna hack it, homes. It has to be a tightrope walker or something like that. She needs to be incredibly talented, athletic, and hot, but still have that thick insecurity that comes from being, well, a carnie, rather than in the Olympics. You’d have a blurry 7-day romance before she took off for the next town, an affair that would taste like cotton candy and be lit by neon. Lions roaring, clowns juggling, teddy bears being won, fried dough, cool evening air, midgets — it’d have fantastic tales.

But don’t hurt her, dude. Be tender. Tell her it’ll only be 349 days till you’ll be at the top of the Ferris wheel again. It’s probably a rough life for her out there.

Free admission?

gypsy 3. Real-live hocus-pocus Gypsy
Tread lightly, friend. Dangerous ground. Meeting one and winning her heart would be laborious, I’m sure, which is what makes her so valuable to the resume, but it’s important that SHE breaks up with YOU, and that you learn a few of her tricks. Think about it — if you’re ever able to open a can of pickles when someone else failed, you can say, “Sabrina taught me how to do that,” while looking away wistfully.

Also, concentrate on learning some magic. Act like a part of your soul still belongs to her. Act like you’re still her possession. Inexplicably scratch at the floor or something sometimes. Make your woman feel she must drive the gypsy from you, while she’s constantly reminded that, dang, you must be something if a gypsy dated you.

But it’s important that she dumps you — otherwise people may doubt your claim is genuine.

4. Girl from Nebraska
Having dated a girl from Nebraska is like having eggs and flour. When you need to cook something up, the basics need to be handy.

5. Journalist
While you risk having everything over-analyzed and your past meticulously researched, the appeal of having a journalist on your list is undeniable. The conversation would be stimulating, the memories vivid, and the love-letters long and grammatically sound.

Many are tempted to go with a nurse instead, and they are kin, but a nurse lacks the careful resume planning of a newspaper writer. A journalist doesn’t make as much as a nurse, so your masculinity will emerge intact, and she never draws or cleans up blood.

Plus, if you have an arch-nemesis, a young Lois Lane could be very valuable in having him being “lambasted in the press.”