Clash of the Titans IV: Diet Coke v. Diet Pepsi

June 5, 2007, 3:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Debate, Humor, Job, Josh T  | No Comments

From Bweinh.com on March 13th, here’s an intrafamily battle for diet soda supremacy!

In this corner, arguing for Diet Pepsi, we have Job!

And in this corner, arguing for Diet Coke, is Josh T!

Diet Coke kilt my Pa. Don’t try and tell me he didn’t, eder, cuz I seen it wid my own eyes, I didz. I wuz down by da barn ‘n Coke Classic come ridin’ in wid his gang. Sprite was dere, dat Meller Yeller feller, Barq’s, Vault, and of course Coke’s boy Diet Coke.

Dat’s da one dat kilt my Pa, like he wud a lab rat drinkin’ a sample of Diet Coke, which has been blamed by some medical professionals for causing serious illnesses like brain tumors, brain lesions, and lymphoma. I done hid behind a bush, I didz. I didn’t want me no brain lesions.

“Dis is refreshment!” Diet Coke said as he done sauntered over ta da door. “Come on out! I know you’re in dere drinking Diet Pepsi, which has been around almost 20 years longer than me and is far more crisp and light, packing a powerful punch of persuasive flavor without leaving a depressing aftertaste like I do.”

My Pa done showed his face at dat time, smiling ear to ear. “Don’t smile so wide, Pa,” I muttered ta myselves ‘tween my teeth. But I knows he couldn’t help it. Diet Pepsi alwez made my Pa smile. Heck, it makes eve’yone smile, if’n they drink it.

“Youz wrong, son,” my Pa bravely sez. “I ain’t drinkin’ Diet Pepsi. I be drinkin’ Diet Pepsi wid a Twist — one of the many taste innovations Diet Pepsi introduces regularly to bring me the best in flavor, innovations you copy widdin 2 or 3 months of deir debut.”

Vault got real agitated-like den, and he threaten to blow his fizz. But my Pa was real cool, an’ he suggested Vault relax his li’l knock-off version down ‘fore Pa called Ol’ Mountain Dew to fix ‘im right proper. But dat seemed to make Vault even more worked up. “Just for the taste of it!,” Diet Coke sez. “This here’s a Coke valley. We either gon’ run yo’ kind out or learn you to take to drinkin’ from our trough, un’erstand?”

My Pa stop, he did, and looked hisself up and dern da valley. Den he brought da Diet Pepsi to his lips, took a big long draw off’n it, den held it out to Diet Coke and sez, “Want some?” Diet Coke’s eyes went ablaze en dare wuz a eerie quiet. Den Pa sez, “Don’t worry. I don’t backwash.” Dat’s when Coke Classic and his gang done went tru da roof. But my Pa wuz jest laughin. Then he sez, “Run along, you little girl of a cola, go cry into your Shasta. This here’s a Pepsi valley. My Pa drank Pepsi in this valley and my boy’ll do da same, long after I’m dead.”

Den da whole valley seem to shake with my Pa’s final thunderous words. “I’ll tell you one last time, you donatin-to-democrats son of a motherless goat: my family don’t drink your creekwater and we never will, hear? Kiss my Aspartame!”

Don’t tell me Diet Coke didn’t kill my Pa. I seen it wid my own two eyes.

Diet Coke is the number-one selling diet soda in the world, and the third-highest selling soda of any variety behind Coca Cola and Pepsi. In fact, last year, almost one out of every ten sodas sold in the United States was a Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi lags far behind Diet Coke in overall sales, and ranks sixth in a list of most popular sodas in the United States.

That is the basic substance of my argument. Simply put — more people drink Diet Coke than Diet Pepsi. They are sold in roughly the same number of countries, and enjoy roughly the same amount of shelf space, but Diet Coke consistently outsells its rival.

I would be foolish to say someone is wrong for enjoying a Diet Pepsi more than a Diet Coke. After all, a person’s tastes are their own. But a Diet Pepsi drinker must admit their minority status and concede the majority of diet beverage consumers prefer Diet Coke. That’s not debatable; it’s simple mathematics.

Now that we’ve established Diet Coke is the most preferred diet beverage, we must ask why. Why does Diet Coke outsell Diet Pepsi? I’m sure marketing strategies play into it, but I also believe Diet Coke is fundamentally a superior product. To an unpracticed palate, the difference between the two is negligible, but to a diet soda connoisseur like myself, there is a remarkable difference. Diet Coke has a subtle hint of cinnamon, as well as a sparkle and zing that is lacking in the bland Diet Pepsi.

There’s nothing like sitting outside a restaurant in the desert drinking Diet Coke with ice, or driving down the freeway with a Diet Coke in the cup holder. Diet Pepsi just isn’t the same. It lacks something.

Maybe flavor.

If you like Diet Pepsi, fine. I doubt I will change your mind, but at least admit you don’t represent the majority of consumers. Pepsi may be the choice of the next generation, but sure as heck isn’t preferred by this one. This generation prefers the real thing — it prefers Diet Coke.

Which side are you on?
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