All-Time Fantasy One-Liners, Part Two

July 31, 2007, 2:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, Humor, Job  | No Comments

From the Best of Job, January 2006. Part one is here. This edition is unattributed, to protect the guilty.

“While I have never run a cash register before, I will take over for you now because I am sure this is the only way I will leave here still clinging to youth, and the only way to ensure your employer, Wal*Mart, will actually profit on my purchases. Go have a smoke.”

“Perhaps it is best that we settle this political discussion/traffic dispute with a game of ping-pong.”

“You want directions to Killington? Sure. First you go to the Gap, then you go to the Picklebarrel nightclub. From there, go to the Picklebarrel parking lot. Once there, punch the guy from New Jersey in the mouth for looking at your girlfriend “wrong.” Be careful, that’s a confusing intersection. Take a left on the Breathalyzer, then duck your head to get into the back of the police car. Finally, curl up in the fetal position inside your cell while your frat buddies call home to get your folks to bail you out. Oh wait, my bad. I did that all backwards.”

“Perhaps the vice grip I have on this bag of Sun Chips is an indication I am famished and do not want to share them with you.”

“The increased dosage of makeup on your face doesn’t disguise the fact you are rapidly aging, but rather exposes to a greater extent your insecurity, and the massive desperation you now feel for never reproducing or otherwise validating your existence on Earth. But you do smell nice.”

“Ma’am? Your service here today did not call for a tip. In fact, you ran a deficit; that is why I am keeping your pen.”

“When I said you could use my cell phone, I didn’t think you’d be using it in an extended network to trade recipes with the girlfriend you plan to break up with at the end of the week, once you get your car back from the mechanic.”


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