Vickie Lynn Hogan. Norma Jean Dougherty. Two lovely young women. Two talented young women. But two beloved American icons? Not without a little something extra. A little something I like to call Vitamin B – Blonde!

Long before tragedy tore these blindingly brilliant bombshells from the frantic grasp of the collective adoration of their public, the common thread woven through the lives of Anna Nicole Smith and Marilyn Monroe was just that – commonality. But with a little luck, some old-fashioned gumption, and a bottle of peroxide, two legends were made, not born.

Is this only a statistical anomaly? Success based on hair color alone? One merely has to look at the culture beyond Hollywood to find the answer. Blonde hair is described as golden, historically a metal highly prized for its hue and sheen. Even the “cheapest” of artificially blonde hair is called platinum, a metal even more highly valued than gold. For third place in the Hair Olympics, blonde comes along yet again, with silver. The best a brunette can hope for is a little bit of red somewhere in her hair’s muddled tone, so she can settle for the ‘honor’ of “coppery” tresses.

Throughout history, blonde hair has been the most highly valued hair color. Evelyn de Morgan’s classic depiction of the legendary Helen of Troy does not find her lamenting her mousy, tangled locks. No, a veritable halo of spun sunlight cascades down her back. She even lifts a delicate handful of golden curls as if to say, “My sisters! This, this is the hair that launched a thousand ships!”

While it is true that natural blond hair is a natural rarity, that scarcity is part of its charm. After all, a young lady presented with a floral incarnation of her paramour’s affection might scoff if it takes the form of the common daisy. But a man who presents his beloved with an edelweiss plucked from a barren cliff face miles from civilization will find a much warmer reception. Scarcity is the mother of demand.

Much like a speech impediment, it can come from pure genetics, or it can come from a bottle. Only her stylist knows for sure. Either way, it’s indisputable: blondes have more fun.

When I first took this assignment, I didn’t stop to think about the potential pitfalls of making this argument: my blonde friends, the blondes I’ve dated (well, there’s only been one, but still), even my blonde sister. I’m sorry, ladies. You’re all beautiful, but I’m sticking to my guns.

I’m all about the brunettes. My first crush was a brunette, as was my first girlfriend. Any time I enter a situation that involves meeting new women, it is invariably a brunette that catches my eye.

The fact is, Tom is actually in danger of offending innumerably more women (as is to be expected). I don’t have any exact figures, but brunettes certainly outnumber blondes by a wide margin. Brunettes are akin to the largest high schools that dominate athletics because they have the widest talent pools from which to draw performers. You just have better odds of finding a gorgeous brunette — brown hair is the dominant trait. In addition, because dark hair is so common, you’re in no danger of finding one of those ladies who acts like she is better than you, simply because of the color of her hair.

I’m not alone in my preference. A recent national survey reveals that 75% of men would choose to marry a brunette, and 80% would rather bring a brunette home to meet dear old mom. Even more amazing, I didn’t just make up those stats.

A less skilled or inspired commentator might resort to a few blonde jokes, or cracks about their collective intelligence. I won’t stoop to that level, but I will say that I certainly find intelligence very attractive. Anyway, I change my light bulbs by myself.

Brunettes are natural, mysterious, and offer a wide array of cultural traits. But for all the wonderful things I could say, for me, the entire debate about the appeal of brunettes and blondes comes down to one simple quote:

“Every decade has an iconic blonde like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana, and right now I’m that icon.” — Paris Hilton