So I did all this research for this Clash, 23 pages worth, and it thoroughly convinced me I was right in calling soda (pop) the drink from hell, and then I realized none of you care and you’re going to drink soda anyway.

Well, that’s okay. Rot your teeth. Get fat. Develop osteoporosis. See if I care.

That didn’t come out right. I do care. I also care if you develop cancer (from the benzene) or just keel over because you left your diet soda out in the heat and it turned into formaldehyde. Um, ew? The proof that I care is right here, this Clash. Soda just isn’t that healthy. (I’m thinking about pulling the “Your body is a temple of God” card, but I feel bad doing that unless I stop drinking high-fat coffee and eating potato chips.)

Soda also causes great strife. Whole families have been ripped down the middle by the soda v. pop debate. It’s tragic! How can we allow such a minute detail to break down the family unit? Why do we let this satanic drink rule our lives?

Soda facilitates drug use. Because people hear Coca-Cola used to have cocaine in it, they think that’s cool, and so they put cocaine in their soda. It also makes your ears turn green.

Soda makes you burp. Therefore, it facilitates bad manners and makes you look like a hick. An obese hick, with bendable bones and no teeth. Well, the bendable bones thing is cool, and you could make a lot of money at a carnival with that — except that you’re a hick, and no one wants to watch a hick bend his bones.

Soda is bubbly, which a lot of people like (it’s like your drink is spitting in your face; haven’t you realized that yet?), but when you think about it, it actually leads to drinking problems! See, people drink soda, get bored with the whole bubbly without the buzz thing, and look for something more potent. They find themselves at beer, and we all know that beer is a drink from hell. See? Drinking problems!

Soda leads to car accidents. How many times have you gotten that Yeti Gulp (100 ounces!!!) and found it didn’t fit in your miniscule drink holder? So you nestle it in the passenger seat, hoping the seatbelt will do the trick. Then it spills, you swear (another sign of the devil), and lean down to clean up the mess — then slam into the patrol car you didn’t see. Yeah, that was the soda’s fault.

Did I already mention that when you drink a soda, it’s actually spitting in your face?

I know, I know, many sound arguments can be raised against soda. It’s bad for your teeth, and your gums and probably rots your soul too. My worthy opponent will no doubt raise these and other points and build a sound case.

Against this, I can only ask: have you ever had a cold, really cold, just-barely-frozen Coca-Cola in a frosted mug with a twist of lime? If you have, you know that those sound arguments fade away into the background, along with all troubles and cares. There is, bar none, no better way to spend 140 calories. But if you have not, there is nothing I can do except insist that you go out and try it before casting your vote in this Clash. If you do, I’m certain your vote will be for me; if you do not, your poor benighted soul will vote against me.

We all know soda addicts: the jittery lass at the office who downs 12 Diet Cokes a day; the hefty fellow at the Chinese buffet who can’t settle for four pounds of fried wontons but has to wash them down with subpar root beer; the trucker who nurses a 64-ounce Double Big Gulp from Tulsa to Waco. This is not responsible soda consumption, taking a veritable nectar of the gods and turning it into a cheap drug, a stabilizing crutch for emotional problems.

You don’t have to drink soda at every meal; heck, you don’t even have to drink it every day! But tell me with a straight face that an excellent pizza doesn’t deserve a good Dr. Pepper. Tell me a hot-off-the-grill cheeseburger doesn’t deserve a cold Cherry Coke. Tell me 3rd Shen would have been anything without lukewarm Caffeine-Free Diet Coke the Salvation Army couldn’t give away. Tell me there’s anything as good as slightly flat ginger ale when you’re a little sick to your stomach. You cannot tell me these things! Your little health-conscious PC soul wishes to, but you cannot, because you know soda is an essential part of these slices of life.

Without soda, a root beer float is just a lump of boring vanilla. Without soda, church-reception punch is just cranberry juice. Without soda, burritos, bratwursts, pizzas and yes, even some breakfast cereals (Count Chocula, anyone?), are widowed, crying out for their mates who were created for them from the dawn of time.

Don’t deny them the companionship they so richly deserve. And don’t deny yourself one of life’s tingly pleasures–soda.