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What Kind of Animal is a Salmon (and other mysteries)?

July 6, 2007, 1:00 pm; posted by David
Filed under Articles, David, Humor  | 2 Comments

Life is filled with the unknown. There are literally vast reservoirs of untapped knowledge lapping noisily at the corners of our minds, slowly leeching into our world, tantalizing us with glimpses of unrevealed wisdom — available, but slightly out of reach. Here are a few questions that have plagued me of late.

What’s so special about Wisconsin?
Every time I get a new credit card offer in the mail and read the fine print, I run across some statement like: “Residents of Wisconsin may also have other rights not specifically mentioned in this agreement.” I can’t help but wonder — why?

I confess my knowledge of Wisconsin is somewhat limited. I know the capital is Madison because my older sister made me play the Capitals Game for hours as a kid. I know they launched a short-lived tourism campaign with the slogan “SMELL OUR DAIRY AIR!” If you know any French, you know why it was short-lived. I’m pretty sure they had a pro wrestler as a governor, and I know they possess both an upper and lower peninsula, making them one of only two Canadian provinces with a bicameral legislature (the other is Oregon). All interesting stuff, but nothing that warrants special arrangements for their residents!

Does trans fat exist?
A panel of experts, including my wife, daughter, son-in-law, me, and Boots & Wally (our dogs), have examined every package of food bought and consumed in this household since December, and we have yet to find a package that does not say “0 Grams of trans fat” in big letters across the top.

Is there really such a thing as trans fat, or is it just a marketing ploy designed to encourage us to buy otherwise unhealthy products? “Look honey, these Twinkies have no trans fat! Let’s get some!” When I see my doctor again in two weeks, and he wants to talk about my A1C1 being high, my cholesterol being way out of whack, and my triglyceride count skyrocketing, I plan to tell him, “Yeah. That may be true — but I have not had one gram of trans fat since our last appointment, pal! That should count for something!”

And last, but not least, what kind of an animal is a salmon?
I think it’s a trick question. According to experts, every animal can be placed in one of two genuses: Imbecilus Caninus (meaning dog-like thing) or Felinum Treacherousus (meaning cat-like thing).

Canines are known for their friendliness to humans, attributed mostly to their poor memory. This allows them to constantly greet you with great enthusiasm, as though youve been gone for years, while in fact you just chastised them with a rolled-up newspaper 5 minutes ago for getting in the trash and peeing on your favorite house plant. Felines, on the other hand, are known for their cold, aloof personality and a penchant for leaving dead rodents at the back door. I have never seen a salmon exhibit any of these behaviors.


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Comments

2 Comments to “What Kind of Animal is a Salmon (and other mysteries)?”

  1. David King on July 6th, 2007 2:36 pm

    Dogs look at their owners and say ‘You feed me, you give me water and treats, you take me on walks and put a roof over my head. You must be God.’

    Cats look at their owners and say ‘You feed me, you give me water and treats, you change my litter box and put a roof over my head. I must be God.’

  2. dsweetgoober on July 6th, 2007 2:41 pm

    Exactly.

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