I must say I was somewhat excited about this Clash, and I’m not ashamed to say it was at my suggestion that it is even here for your Clashmusement. I also should say that I am a fan of the Pirates movies, but the question here before you today is who makes a better hero? Bruce Willis and Die Hard’s John McClane? Or Johnny Depp and Pirates’ Captain Jack Sparrow? I submit that when the rubber hits the road, there is no contest! The only real hero — the only real man — is John McClane.

Let do some straight up comparisons shall we? John McClane is a man. Jack Sparrow? Let’s just go with flaming sissy boy. You can tell by the amount of hair on their heads and the way they walk. Okay, you might not like bald, but at least you don’t have to worry about what might be crawling in it.

John McClane’s role model? I’d guess John Wayne. Jack Sparrow — we all know it’s a drunken druggy rocker from the Rolling Stones named Keith Richards.

Motive? John McClane is always out to save his wife, family, or country. Jack Sparrow? Someone else’s ship, treasure, or rum. Two out of three of those are definite vices — and the third is iffy.

John McClane fights terrorists. You know who the bad guys are. In Pirates the bad guys change at least three times. It’s the British:except for the two funny soldiers. And the officer that wants to marry what’s her name. Except at the end — then he’s a good guy! Arghh! Pirates change all the rules. Dead’s not dead anymore. You can’t count on anything! I need order! Give me a simple story with a simple man who can drive a simple car into a helicopter when it’s absolutely called for!

In summation: John is a mind-your-own-business reluctant hero kind of man, a police officer just trying to do his job and earn his pension. Not unlike you and me? Somehow along the way though, he has managed to save the greater San Francisco Bay area, Washington’s Dulles Airport, most of New York City, and now the entire US economy as we know it. He always makes us laugh along the way, too, WHILE eliminating the bad guy(s).

John’s just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jack Sparrow, on the other hand, is just plain wrong! A drunken, strange-toothed, boot-jingling, sashaying sissy with an eyeliner bill that must demand some serious doubloons, a man who somehow has us rooting for the vortex to win.

Bottom line — who would you rather walk down a dark alley with after midnight? If you don’t know, watch both movies. See, they take off their shirts. Bruce/John: buffness. Johnny/Jack? Well, a she-crow could carry him off for lunch for her babies.

CAW!!!

(David Maxon may have contributed to this report)

Hmm. What Connie says is true. Sparrow is not, by any means, buff. He does not typically blow things up. And he certainly hasn’t saved the greater San Francisco Bay area, Washington’s Dulles Airport, most of NYC, or the economy. So I will address each of these issues in order.

Looks
Jack Sparrow already has a one-up on McClane simply because he has hair. What’s more, I’d like to see you put eye liner on McClane without him looking like a drag queen. Sparrow, on the other hand, looks flippin’ hot! There is only one woman in the movies (Maria) who can resist his undeniable charm and allure. And that’s just in the movies! I’ve never once heard a woman say, “Oh, that John McClane is so dreamy!” But there is no number high enough to count the times women have told me, “I wish Jack Sparrow were real!” Even men want him to be real, and they try to make that possible by dressing up like him for Halloween, International Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19 — mark your calendars!), and any other possible excuse. There is no John McClane costume, no “Talk Like The Guy From ‘Die Hard'” Day, and no signature John McClane swagger.

Method of Combat
Sparrow is mad with a cutlass, guns, cannons, rigging, even the ship itself as a weapon! But let’s not compare physical weapons; we’re talking about two different centuries. Instead, let’s look at those things that transcend the ages — fire and brains. I’ve heard it say that a good ruler must be a chess champion because it’s the paramount game of strategy, crucial to triumphs in war and politics. If Sparrow’s remarkable ability to manipulate situations is any indication, he would excel at chess. McClane would blow the pieces up and mutter a four-letter word under his breath.

Accomplishments
Captain Jack Sparrow did not save entire cities from destruction, it’s true. Instead, through guile and swashbuckling skill, he saved the entire planet! And he did it through a selfless act — handing immortality over to the infinitely noble and responsible William Turner. In his pursuit of immortality, Captain Sparrow vanquished the heartless (literally) Davy Jones, and by replacing him with Turner, he ensured that not only would the seas forever be protected by the kindest and most merciful of captains, but also the dead would not be abused and neglected, as they had been in Jones’ reign. McClane never really did much for anyone’s eternal soul, did he?

So let’s tally up. Sparrow is much hotter and more manly (as proven by his ability to wear eyeliner, yet still sweep a girl off her feet).

He’s got intellect, while McClane stops at brawn.

And Sparrow saved both the world and the afterworld, while McClane is ethnocentric.

Who’s the better hero, then?