Clash of the Titans XLII: Meat

August 14, 2007, 9:15 pm; posted by
Filed under David, Debate, Djere  | 3 Comments

In this corner, backing beef, is David!

And in this corner, arguing for bacon, is Djere!

Last year Americans consumed 28 billion pounds of beef, a new high of 70 lbs. per person. If turned into 1/4-pound patties and laid end to end, that’d be enough hamburger to keep a dork with no life busy with a calculator for a lot longer than I care to imagine.

To put it into perspective, it could create a hamburger the size of Rhode Island (I guess… I don’t really know how big Rhode Island is), requiring fries the size of Vermont, a milkshake the size of California, a bun the size of the Great Lakes, and a slice of cheese the size of, well, Rhode Island.

To match the hamburger.

Anyway, my point is that we eat a lot of beef. Beef is as large a part of our heritage as our waistline, and as much as I admire bacon, particularly on a cheeseburger, it can’t be compared with beef for the following reasons, which I’ll enumerate by numbering them with letters, if such a thing is possible.

A.) Versatility
Bacon is, well, bacon. Beef, on the other hand, is cheeseburgers with pickles and ketchup, beef short ribs slow cooked over open flame, filet mignon, beef stew with biscuits on a cold winter night, and ribeyes sizzling in the backyard on a hot summer afternoon. It’s beef brats with sauerkraut, a bottom round roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, a Philly cheesesteak with onions and peppers, prime rib with sauteed mushrooms and baked potato, and a porterhouse served with eggs and home fries.

B.) Bible Sanctioning
When the children of Israel wandered for 40 years and God needed to keep them safe, what was the first thing he did? Gave them a menu. That menu was big on beef, but banned bacon. Why? Trichinosis. Pork must be properly handled and prepared, or bad things happen to the people who eat it. Beef, on the other hand, can be eaten raw. I know — I ordered it raw once at a fancy French restaurant in Canada. I didn’t know what I was ordering, since the menu was in French, but it worked.

C.) Culture
Who can forget the famous Wendy’s commercial from the early 80’s? It starred a small elderly woman, who peered at a measly burger before confronting a fast food worker with, “Where’s the beef?” For months you couldn’t go anywhere without someone muttering the phrase. I remember entering a loaded elevator in Hartford, and as the doors slid shut, someone in back said, “Where’s the beef?” in a dead-on impression of the feisty lady. It made no sense, but we all laughed ourselves silly. It defined an era.

You have the right to choose whatever you want to eat. After all, you bring home the bacon. But remember the slogan — beef…it’s what’s for dinner.

Leviticus 11:7-8:

“And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.”

I’ve often wondered about the Levitical dietary laws of the Old Testament and Islam and wondered why. I know that God kept the Jews from eating pork, but until recently I didn’t fully understand His reasoning.

We all know that for “health reasons,” God restricted pigs as unclean meat. Trichinosis, and all that. But pigs are actually quite friendly, personable, cleanly, intelligent, and most imporantly, delicious.

One afternoon as I was meditating on my roof, I received insight from the Lord that I feel I must share with you:

1. The only true and lasting plan for world peace is bacon.

Ever since the days of Isaac and Ishmael, Judaism and Islam have been at war. I mean, you try living in the sun-beaten desert for 6,000 years and you tell me how much you like your illegitimate half-brother who’s always out to get you, and who’s living right on top of you.

The bacon-free diets of our Jewish and Muslim friends have clouded their judgments. But just one bacon-wrapped hors d’Ã…“uvre and you’d see those suicide bombers finally find something to live for.

2. Bacon is a New Testament blessing.

Much like the visitation of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost, when God said to Peter, “Arise, kill and eat,” lifting the dietary restrictions, Heaven opened over earth.

God, in His wisdom, not only knew that if the Jews ate pork, they’d get Trichinosis and die, but also that they’d gladly do it for just a taste of the tastiest of all meats — bacon.

When Noah saved two of every animal on the ark, even the unclean, it was for the New Testament church to harvest his bounty.

Hamburger is good, cheeseburger is better, bacon cheeseburger is best.

Praise the Lord and pass the bacon.



3 Comments to “Clash of the Titans XLII: Meat”

  1. The Sweets on August 14th, 2007 10:40 pm

    Phil and I voted for beef but did our part to support your bacon cause this weekend feeding 4 hungry pigs zucchini at the Quincers Sunday.

  2. Dan on August 15th, 2007 8:46 pm

    Isn’t 42 in Roman numerals XLII?

  3. Steve on August 15th, 2007 11:14 pm

    I don’t know what to say, Dan. I guess I just let my love for ‘X’ carry me away!

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