Dateline: 2112, Washington, DC

September 14, 2007, 9:45 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Humor  | 2 Comments

President James Dobson IV today addressed a group of reporters about his ascension to the Presidency as the first Executor in the New Christian Era. Below are a few excerpts from his remarks.

How does this feel and did you ever imagine yourself being in this position?

Honestly, it feels great. Getting the Constitutional amendment passed to actually have the United States declared a Christian nation was a hard fought battle. We Christians in America have a lot to thank God for.

What will your first 100 days look like?

Our main focus will be giving the “Blue Laws Bill” more teeth. Right now Tithe Evasion, Sabbath Breaking and Unregistered Church Attendance are all still misdemeanors. It’s clear we need to make those things felonies to get the attention of some folks. Make no mistake — we’re not going after the guy who misses Sunday School with a cold or something — but we have people out there who haven’t been to Church in years, yet they get a 10-day jail sentence and they’re right back walking the streets again on Sunday morning. That has to stop.”

Will there be allowances for unregistered church attendance?

People have 12 registered denominational alliances representing 83,750 individual houses of worship scattered among the 52 states. They have plenty of choices without going underground.

Will you be taking on the NFL during your term?

Yes, the Sports-Entertainment Exemption Act is something we will examine closely. Everyone knows Sunday is the Sabbath. Letting big corporations skirt the issue is just hypocritical. When a kid can’t play a pick-up game in his yard on Sunday, why can rich owners flaunt the law and parade their teams around on national television?

What about the recent arrest of Senator Hagee in a Teleport restroom?

It’s disappointing. He is a direct descendant of one of the original signers of the Christian Manifesto II, and a Republican in good standing. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but if he wasn’t speaking in tongues in that stall, why did he plead guilty to Religious Misconduct? To make it go away? It looks bad.

Will you be reaching out to the Catholics?

Next question.

What about the “Seventh Day Question”?

*pausing, rustling of papers, whispered exchange with aide* Uh, most of the internment camps have been closed: *more hurried whispers* :.some of the camps have been closed: *confused noises* :it’s something we will have to look into and I’m not really prepared to answer that at this time. Let me say say this, they call themselves Christians, they live in a Christian nation, yet they are persistent in their opposition to observing the Sabbath on the right day. What more can I say?

Thank you gentlemen!

Note: I started writing this article on Tuesday, then on Wednesday I saw in USA TODAY that 55% of US citizens think the Constitution establishes a Christian nation. The percentage soars to 75% among those who identify themselves as evangelicals or Republicans. A Christian nation? Based on whose brand of Christianity? And what of dissenters? Hmmm:.


2 Comments to “Dateline: 2112, Washington, DC”

  1. Jesse on September 14th, 2007 9:54 am

    Great post. I am one of the Christians who is completely against making this a “Christian Nation”. This nation was not founded by Christians, for Christians, no matter what anyone says. Most of the founding fathers were Deists at best. I think mixing religion with politics (in an official way) is not only wrong but contrary to what the founding fathers wanted.

  2. Steve on September 14th, 2007 11:12 am

    I took a word out of Jesse’s comment to ensure no one thought I wrote this — it is rightfully my uncle’s work and I need to remember to change the ‘post author’ field every time!

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