My Shakespearean Evening (A Tragedy in 3 Parts)

September 7, 2007, 10:15 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Humor  | 6 Comments

Act 1
Ian, the son-in-law, emerges from the basement hovel he and his wife Rachel call home. David, the cruel father-in-law, is engrossed in online euchre while the matron Debbie watches Sci-Fi on TV.

Ian: “Father-in-law, if a moment can be spared, methinks perhaps thou shouldst descend with me the carpeted stair, and read in mine eyes the gathering despair.”

David: “Forsooth! Say not despair my son!” (Aside to audience) “Unless thou speakest of the disruption of my card game with some trinket of trouble, such as thou art always quick to bring!” (To Ian) “What aileth thee, boy?”

Ian: “Water once again, through yonder wall of pine, doth break with vehemence upon our humble goods.”

David: “What new mischief is this? Have we not patched the very foundations of the house? Have we not vanquished the rats and mice that chewed through the water lines on the dishwasher and refrigerator? Hath not Roto Rooter valiantly unstopped the drains for the accursed washing machine that plagued us sorely?” (Aside to audience) “Perhaps it is but a tale told by an idiot!”

Act 2
The two descend into the basement to move furniture and soaked boxes of household goods, finally uncovering the trouble spot. David knowingly explains that although the water is on the opposite side of the room from all the previous trouble, it is most likely because the floor is not level, and the water has come through the foundation again at the same spot, but has run down to the other corner.

Ian: “Good father, thou knowest all, and loathe am I to question such a venerable gray head as thine, but what meaneth then the tepid quality of this dastardly deluge?”

David: (stooping to feel the water) “Indeed it is of a higher temperature than shouldst be met in such circumstances. Almost hot it is! What vile perplexion hath now bedeviled me in what should be the twilight of my evening?”

Act 3
David and Ian make their way through a junk-filled dirt floor basement abutting the finished plot that has fallen to Ian and Rachel as their humble abode. Flashlights cut through the darkness and clouds of dust kicked up by their traversal of the dread domain. Presently a hot water heater is seen, spewing steam and liquid from its top, to run down the wall and soak the young lover’s lair.

Ian: “Father, trustest thou the judgment of a true son?”

David: “Aye.”

Ian: “It seemeth to me that yon heater hath burst its bounds and liketh the confines of its course no more than a river doth her banks in April. If thou wilt receive instruction from an idiot…” (Aside to audience) “The quality of thine own reasoning is the only thing strained in these parts, cur!” (To David) “:thou wilt not now abide long ere the sun rise before visiting Lowe’s and parting thyself from loads of cash.”

David: “Aye, good son.”


Comments

6 Comments to “My Shakespearean Evening (A Tragedy in 3 Parts)”

  1. Mom on September 7th, 2007 11:49 am

    Bravo. Bravo. No that Luciano is dead tis here I’ll come to drown the sorrow ddeo within my soul. Let me know how “Ode to the Water Heater” comes out btw…

  2. Mom on September 7th, 2007 11:52 am

    Ok it’s Friday…that should’ve said Now instead of No and “deep” not “ddeo”. I’m done here…

  3. David on September 7th, 2007 12:33 pm

    $583.00 dollars is how it came out. And it was very painful.

  4. Djere on September 7th, 2007 1:25 pm

    What did you get?

    Electric? Natural Gas? LP?

    10-, 20-, 40-, or 80-gallon?

    5-, 7-, or 12-year warranty?

  5. David on September 7th, 2007 2:49 pm

    $ 329.00 40 Gallon Natural gas.
    $ 205.00 Same Day Installation
    $ 49.00 Bumps warranty from 6yrs to 11yrs

    $ 583.00 Total

  6. Tejla on September 8th, 2007 12:21 am

    i’m so impressed. thrilled really.

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