2007 World Prayer Champion Credits Surgery

October 25, 2007, 9:00 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, Featured, Humor, Job  | 7 Comments

-LAS VEGAS, Nevada

Jerry “The Knees” Noble credited his unprecedented fourth consecutive World Prayer Championship to surgery, intercessory sources reported Monday. This marks the first time a WPC champion has singled out surgery — the art, practice, or work of treating diseases, injuries, or deformities through manual or operative procedures — as the key to victory.

“Surgery really brought this victory home for First Pres,” Noble remarked, referring to his sponsor church, First Presbyterian of Greater Houston. “A lot of the young kids came in here praying against natural disasters and for world peace. Not me. Surgery, even dental surgery, is always dangerous — and it’s my bread and butter.”

“It’s like the Protestant rosary,” Noble added, swigging a Gatorade.

Noble’s strategy seemed truly Heaven-sent in a year where great diversity in many contestants’ prayers led to scattered and disjointed petitions, broken up by repeated um’s and Dear Lord God’s — point killers, according to WPC Prayer Pontiff Evan Fielder.

“It’s awfully hard to change your pitches up mid-prayer,” Fielder reported. “We saw a lot of that this weekend, but the true veterans played it close to the vest.”

Surprisingly, this year’s Championship saw an unusually high number of stuttering penalties and “uneasy pauses,” even with an election campaign and two-front war going on.

“They got greedy,” explained Fielder. “Too much speaking in tongues, too many financial prayers and way too much of the Middle East. I understand the lure of the high degree of difficulty, but simple is best. And simple, my friends, is surgery.”

Meanwhile, Noble insists he won’t stop at four championships.

“As long as people keep getting sick and cancer goes uncured, I’ll keep coming back to get another W for my congregation. It’s like shootin’ Jesus fish in a barrel.”


7 Comments to “2007 World Prayer Champion Credits Surgery”

  1. David on October 25th, 2007 9:24 am

    Is this a genuine Job article—no reprint? If so, This is good news.

  2. Hank on October 25th, 2007 12:44 pm

    We <3 Job!

  3. Connie on October 25th, 2007 3:14 pm

    Job I just want you to know I had nothing to do with getting your key to the Executive washrooms revoked. Steve grew power hungry in your absence!

  4. Steve on October 25th, 2007 3:57 pm

    That’s a lie! There was only ONE objection to Job’s punishment, and it didn’t come from you! I think you LIKED being ahead of him in the lunch line.

  5. Connie on October 25th, 2007 4:48 pm

    Come on, …doesn’t everyone?

  6. Marcus on October 25th, 2007 6:03 pm

    There’s a lunch line?

  7. David on October 25th, 2007 7:45 pm

    It usually ends at the executive wash room around 1:15.

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