Clash of the Titans LVII: Job Tate’s Existence

October 31, 2007, 9:00 am; posted by
Filed under Debate, Humor, Josh J, MC-B  | 12 Comments

In this corner, believing in Job, is Josh!

And in this corner, doubting him, is MC-B!

It is a question that has troubled philosophers throughout the ages. Is Job a real person, or is he merely some sort of literary device — a real man with real adventures or just an allegory, meant to teach us a lesson?

This could be simultaneously the hardest and easiest clash I’ve ever had to write. I know Job personally, and have seen him many times (albeit not as many times or places as he would have indicated). So I’m convinced. But for the benefit of the rest of you, let’s consider the evidence before us.

First off we have a rather large sampling of writings to reference. While “Job Tate” could conceivably be some kind of pseudonym, the writing has a very distinct style and voice. These writings also mention many places, dates and individuals, seemingly too many details to be faked.

Second, we have photographic evidence. While many people on the Internet use phony photos to deceive others, this is usually done to upgrade their attractiveness. I don’t see how that could possibly be the case here.

Finally, we have eyewitness accounts. While you may not know Job, you may very well know and trust someone who does. Steve, Tom, Djere, Mike, Connie, and myself are just a sampling of those associated with Bweinh! who could testify to Job’s existence.

Of course, even if you remain unconvinced, I think you’ll have to concede that the question of Job’s actual existence is not nearly as important as — nor does it in any way take away from — the truths we can learn from his tale.

I sometimes wish that I could be happily ignorant, believing with all my heart that somewhere out there in the ether a benevolent Job Tate watches all that goes on at and smiles, but I cannot. I am too rationally-minded to put my faith in children’s fairy tales any longer.

It is said that a thousand monkeys typing at a thousand typewriters would, after a thousand years, reproduce the works of Shakespeare. For the so-called ‘Best of Job’ features, I’d give twenty monkeys a half-hour. In short, the order that we perceive in “Job’s” articles is nothing more than random chance that we choose to find order in. Sorry, Tatists.

Of course, there’s also graphical evidence of Job Tate’s existence. If this type of evidence suffices to prove the existence of an entity, then Job exists, as do Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Homer Simpson, and Erin E-surance. Our pantheon is growing by the day.

Finally, there are personal testimonials of what belief in Job has done for people all around the world. Sorry, guys, but anecdotal evidence won’t cause me to put my faith in a concept as ethereal and unreliable as Job Tate.

Belief in Job is a panacea that detracts from our ability to solve Bweinh’s problems through our own endeavors. I’m going to say it as clearly as I can: Job does not exist, he does not love you, and he is not returning someday on a white horse to double our readership and make me write articles again. If we desire these things, we must achieve them ourselves.



12 Comments to “Clash of the Titans LVII: Job Tate’s Existence”

  1. Connie on October 31st, 2007 12:59 pm

    Somewhere all over the world small children are crying Michael…and just for the record, I’ve never seen Job, but I have argued with him.

  2. MC-B on October 31st, 2007 1:05 pm

    Better to be unhappy with the truth than happy with a lie.

  3. David on October 31st, 2007 1:39 pm

    This may be the best clash I have ever read out here. Hilariously funny.

  4. Chloe on November 2nd, 2007 8:08 am

    I can testify to hearing Job’s voice on the phone once…but haven’t we all thought we heard his voice at one time or another? He has made promises to appear personally to me, once in a shiny red convertible, another time floating down the Great Genesee in an inflatable tube.

    But these promises came to naught but whisps of smoke and lies. A voice means nothing. I’m with you, Mike.

  5. MC-B on November 2nd, 2007 8:13 am

    Yes! Tell the people! They must arise from their slumber!

  6. David on November 2nd, 2007 9:03 am

    And just because some friends pile into a pick up truck and drive to to the woods and produce grainy video of some guy wearing a Job Tate suit walking through heavy underbrush does not prove his existence.

  7. Connie on November 2nd, 2007 9:56 am

    Maybe it’s because I just watched “The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, but some day you’re all going to eat your words, I say. Tell them Linus…tell them all.

  8. David M. on November 2nd, 2007 11:48 am

    I’ve met Job Tate, albeit only as he passed by… I glimpsed his back… and I am unsure of his existence! Is he real or in fact a personification of Stephen’s or all of our combined imaginations — as children sometimes have imaginary friends when dealing with a great amount of stress, or emotional trauma, or the fact that they were really, really ugly… (you know the kid, his mother had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him)… No one is home, just a kid and the faint smell of pork…

    No one ever saw Job as “he” did a radio show at Houghton…only a voice in the wind. In fact Stephen and Mike never saw him as they guest-hosted the “Bread and Circus” show for Job…..

    Leads one to think… doesn’t it.

  9. Djere on November 2nd, 2007 3:02 pm

    I’ll emerge from the shadows. I met with Job Tate in his inky lair in the mountains of Vermont. Though I am, as well, a mythical construct whose word is not to be trusted, and though he has (as many can attest) broken many promised appearances, he exists. He’s here, he’s *ahem*… get used to it!

  10. Chloe on November 2nd, 2007 5:07 pm

    In light of new testimonies, I must come forth. Steve, I love you, and I’m sorry to do this to you, but I cannot live a lie any longer.

    Stephen Maxon has created Job Tate in an attempt to create a cult-like following to take over the United States judicial system! Job Tate is merely the facade he hides behind! You have been brainwashed! Run away! Run away!

  11. David on November 2nd, 2007 9:28 pm

    I knew it. I’m feeling veryyy drroowwsssiieeee…..

  12. MC-B on November 4th, 2007 2:40 am

    Fight it! It’s only people like you and Ruth Bader Ginsburg stopping him now!

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