My Year in Review (Part Four)

December 29, 2007, 4:30 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Featured, Humor  | 8 Comments

Read Part One, Part Two, and Part Three!

October arrives, but the weather stays hot in Alabama. The Yankees have played their way into the postseason with a superb September and now face the Cleveland Indians in the ALDS. They get blown out in the first game but Andy Pettite pitches a gem in game 2 to keep them in contention. Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain is brought in to wrap up the game and even up the series, but he suffers a meltdown when he is swarmed on the mound by specially trained flying ants called Canadian Soldiers, kept for just such circumstances by the Indians staff. The Yankees lose the game and go back to New York down 2 games.

Wanting to inspire his team for game 3, George Steinbrenner takes a page out of Oral Roberts’ motivational playbook, drafting a press release saying that if the Yankees don’t win the next game, “God will take me home!” George Steinbrenner After leaking this to the clubhouse as a trial balloon, the front office urges George to reconsider, as it seems to have the opposite effect. Instead, he tells the media that if the Yankees lose the next game, Joe Torre will not be brought back as manager next year. They win that game, but not the next, and end up losing the series. Goodbye Joe — sorry it had to be you.

In the NHL, the Flyers pick up the pieces of a disastrous season by adding many character players and gritty veterans, and start the year 6-1, living up to their new motto — “BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!” A taste of what’s to come is seen in the preseason when 2 players are suspended for 20 and 25 games after hard hits. The Syracuse football squad continues its miserable string of gridiron failures, excepting a miracle in Louisville, and the basketball team prepares for its next season by adding the 2nd-ranked recruiting class in the nation, as rated by Athlon Sports. True freshmen Donte Green, Johnny Flynn and “Scoop” Jardine hold the promise of bringing the Orange back to the NCAA Tournament.

On a personal note, I spend the month exchanging emails and photos of my Sir Walter Scott books with a trio of rare book stores in Atlanta, only to find that although they are indeed a rare collectible, their physical condition does not meet the prevailing standards for collectors, and my best bet would be to sell them on eBay for “a few hundred bucks.” I’m actually relieved because I purchased them because I liked them, not for profit, and now I am free to keep them.

November arrives and brings with it the sternest test yet for the fledgling Bweinh! On November 5th, the Writers Guild of America East (WGAE) and Writers Guild of America West (WGAW) agree to strike, and both Hollywood and all of America are plunged into turmoil. Every Bweinh!tributor is faced with the same gut-wrenching decision — stand by their comrades in solidarity, or cross the picket line and risk ruining their careers down the road.

Everyone plays it close to the vest and no one actually refuses to write, but suddenly emails are not returned, deadlines are missed, people have “finals,” “jobs,” and “personal issues,” and the Clash of The Titans and music review features grind to a halt, as Steve Maxon struggles to round up replacement writers like “Hoss” to fill in.

The biggest blow comes when star blogger Job Tate marches into the executive suite and announces his intention to honor the strike. Suddenly the only Job Tate articles on the site are old material labeled as “The Best of Job,” and a ridiculous cover story circulates that Job has run off and joined the military. Writers When that story does not suffice, another story circulates that he is seriously ill and confined to a hospital, recovering from surgery. Readership flags, interest wanes, and a nation turns its lonely eyes to Vermont for an answer…

In my personal life my wife has been smitten by Koopa, my daughter’s husky puppy, and she wants one of her own. We find one in the Thrifty Nickel for $200 and she names her Miranda, a nod to the Firefly sci-fi movie Serenity. Our house is now the romping ground for two old dogs, a harried and anorexic cat, and two husky pups.

December finally arrives and brings with it the much-anticipated Mitchell Report on performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. Although much has been speculated, no one is prepared for the shocking revelations in the document, which reaches far beyond big-name superstars and encompasses even the previously unmentioned news media.

Former ESPN intern Lawrence Wallace reveals that Stuart Scott, Kenny Mayne, John Buccigross, and others have been using the performance-enhancing drugs Ambien, Ritalin and Baclofen for years, to create the false sense of hilarity needed to make their shows appear entertaining and relevant. Their incessant obsession with hip catch phrases has been produced by a drug-induced stupor more associated with crackheads than journalists, explaining their bizarre behavior over the past few years.

Bweinh! holds its first Christmas party in the South conference room, but the mood is less than jolly. Steve and Tom flew to Vermont in the company jet earlier in the day to plead with Job to return, and brought him back, but no one is quite sure what the outcome will be. Connie, Erin and Chloe all stand around distractedly discussing the tepid catered food, while Djere, Mike, Josh and Tom clear one end of the enormous conference table and set up ping-pong to pass the time. Everyone seems to be waiting for an announcement about Job so they can collect their Christmas bonus checks and head home for the holidays.

Eventually MC-B has a little too much to drink and begins entertaining the group with a Japanese version of Here Comes Santa Claus learned while he served overseas in Okinawa during his Navy days. It is performed using origami figures made from the festive Wal*Mart Christmas napkins adorning the table, and it manages to lighten the mood a little. Christmas The ice really breaks though when Djere and Tom perform their rendition of the Wumpus and Sean Connery singing Silver Bells, and soon everyone is mingling, shaking hands and wishing each other a very merry Christmas.

Eventually Steve gives a speech about love, joy, peace on earth, goodwill toward men, and other stuff like that, and hands out the checks, but Job is still silent about his future with Bweinh! As Steve urges everyone to bury the hatchet, I find myself standing next to the Pope, and am overcome with an urge to shake his hand and make up. I find myself unable to do it, though, due to circumstances beyond my control that have still not allowed Hell to freeze over. Instead I hug him while surreptitiously placing a piece of paper on his back that reads “Kick me — I am the abomination that causes desolation.”


Comments

8 Comments to “My Year in Review (Part Four)”

  1. Connie on January 2nd, 2008 9:24 am

    For the love of all that’s good, I nearly split a gut.

    Love the dancing picture…

  2. David on January 2nd, 2008 12:31 pm

    My most memorable moment of the Christmas party was the Pope in his fancy robes, hogging all the eggnog and dangling his ring finger under the mistletoe. Anyone else have a memorable moment from the party?

  3. Steve on January 2nd, 2008 2:13 pm

    It would have to be when MC-B, faced with the prospect of coming face to face with Job’s appendectomy scar, finally confessed his existence. I’ve got it on tape, spiked egg nog or not.

  4. Connie on January 3rd, 2008 10:13 am

    I loved Josh Jones and Mike Jordan’s interpretive dance of the sugarplum fairies. Cheesy costumes and the obvious political statements aside, their brave use of mirror synchronization took my breath away.

  5. Connie on January 3rd, 2008 10:17 am

    Hey Steve can you fix that typo? Otherwise I’ll have to post another comment and try to convince people that snychronization is a real word. And I wouldn’t want misrepresentation to mar our spotless integrity.

  6. Steve on January 3rd, 2008 1:35 pm

    Done, but should I leave that second one up too?

  7. David on January 3rd, 2008 3:35 pm

    I vote yes because 6…now 7…comments makes my article look interesting and boosts my ego.

  8. Hank Smithson on January 4th, 2008 2:57 pm

    I’ll admit, I re-read the comments having seen them grow to 7.

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