Clash of the Titans LXII: Coffee v Tea

January 4, 2008, 10:02 am; posted by
Filed under Connie, Debate, Djere  | 4 Comments

In this corner, arguing for coffee, is Connie!

And in this corner, arguing for tea, is Djere!

While tea lovers revel in tea’s health benefits, naysayers worry that anything as deliciously stimulating as java must be unhealthful. Most recently, coffee has shed its dangerous reputation, as researchers uncover evidence showing that coffee is safe in moderate amounts and might have some surprising benefits!

For instance, drinking more than four daily cups of coffee lowers the risk of diabetes. Tea has no similar effect. Coffee protects seniors against Parkinson’s disease, and is linked to lower rates of liver and colon cancer, while the FDA says more research is needed to support tea’s anti-cancer claims. Coffee is also chock-full of disease-busting antioxidants, the number one source of such chemicals in the American diet.

Butsowhat? We don’t really drink it because it has health benefits — that’s just a bonus. We suck it down at a rate of 400,000,000,000 (yes that’s 4 HUNDRED BILLION) cups a year because it tastes so good!

Lines at the local Starbucks any weekday morning are far longer than the voting lines in November. To say that coffee is a habit, bordering on a national obsession, would not understate the case. Coffee has become such a staple in the West that no event, public gathering or meal for large masses can be held without taking the “coffee factor” into account.

Quick Facts:
–Coffee is the number two beverage in the world, second only to water in total volume consumed.
–Coffee is nearly four times as popular as tea, the third most consumed beverage, and five times as popular as soda, which ranks fourth.
–In 2006 alone, the specialty coffee market racked up an estimated $12.2 billion in sales, up from $8.3 billion in 2001 (according to the Specialty Coffee Association of America).
–The number of coffee retailers has risen from only 1,650 in 1991 to 23,900 in 2006.
–Worldwide coffee consumption in 2003 was estimated at over 1.4 billion cups every single day — with more than 400 million of them consumed in the US!
–The average American consumes about 10.5 pounds of coffee per year, about half of what they consume in Scandinavia.

But what’s the true source of coffee’s momentum? Perhaps it’s the blanket of aromas (ahhhhhhh), the taste (love it!), the hot nutty-sweet bite of flavor teasing our tongue (Vanilla Biscotti from Folgers is hea-venly), or the lush, familiar warmth of our kitchen hearth and bouquet of mother’s cooking. It takes us home again and starts new traditions with our own families. Coffee is a win/win/win.

Coffee or tea?

It’s a question that’s haunted mankind for the ages. It will be answered here, today.

From time immemorial, mankind has been drinking medicinal teas for just about every ailment under the sun. Can’t sleep? Have some tea. Nausea? Have some tea. Heartburn? Indigestion? Upset stomach?


For most gastrointestinal ailments, there’s an appropriate herbal tea that, let’s face it, tastes better than the pink stuff. Coffee, on the other hand, can cause insomnia, heartburn, constipation, upset stomach, and the like.

Coffee 0, Tea 1.

Coffee is one of those foods. You know, the ones that always smell better than they taste? It’s true and you know it. The aroma of coffee is strong and inviting. But the taste just lets you down time and time and time again. One sip and you remember why people have to add flavor, sugar, cream or milk to make coffee bearable.

Tea, on the other hand, is as versatile as it is delicious. Feeling Christmassy? Have a nice peppermint tea. Feeling groggy first thing in the morning? Perhaps a nice English Breakfast Tea is in order. Feeling like commanding a starship? “Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.” is right up your alley. Equally aromatic, quintessentially delicious… tea is the way to go.

Coffee 0, Tea 2.

Ever since Ahmed Al-Starbucki first opened up shop, pushing his harmful wares on Christendom, the price has been ridiculous for coffee, and it’s just getting worse. The only way I’ll touch the stuff is with a healthy dose of milk, chocolate, and sugar, but six bucks for a stupid drink that’s just going to bind me up? Heck no! Tea’s a commodity. You can buy boxes of the stuff for cheap, and all you need is hot water.

Coffee 0, Tea 3.

From tummyaches to mistletoe to Jean-Luc, tea’s just the better choice. And so many choices! Hot or iced, tea has it all!



4 Comments to “Clash of the Titans LXII: Coffee v Tea”

  1. Connie on January 4th, 2008 10:37 am

    Please that’s the best you got? An aged starship captain, stong taste and a bellyache beverage? Puleeaze. Man up, Doot.

    And take your coffee black, you wimp. I’m enjoying a nice hot cup of Pumpkin Spice right now, and I love the flavor.

  2. David on January 4th, 2008 2:42 pm


  3. Connie on January 8th, 2008 10:07 am

    As usual we seem to hit the jackpot with issues that are exploding in the national media. This morning on CBS they announced that Ronald McDonald is taking on Starbucks with the intorduction of McCafe Lattes and cappuccinos. They won’t be on the dollar menu, but they will be seriously below the Starbucks ridiculous highway robbery prices. :) I’m so happy.

    They also mentioned that 57% of Americans drink coffee at least once a day. I think I missed that stat. But hey whatever- carry on, Picard – or should I say: “engage”.

  4. David on January 8th, 2008 2:19 pm

    AK Coffee Company here in Opelika is the best place around. Quiet, run by a great Christian guy, $2.15 gets a 12 oz. Seatlles Best with a shot of espresso, good stuff.

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