Undecided Voter Craves Attention

January 18, 2008, 11:30 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, Featured, Humor, Steve  | 1 Comment

–ORANGEBURG, S.C.

Family and friends of local accountant Aaron Johnson, 54, describe him as a quiet, unassuming man, friendly and forgettable.

But then the South Carolina primary came around, and the tax code took a back seat to handshakes and barbecue. Now the mild-mannered number-cruncher is at the center of a fury of political activity — and friends and relatives suggest his motives are less than pure.

“My Aaron didn’t care a lick about politics as a boy, but now I see him on the Fox channel, spinnin’ dials and talkin’ about federalism or some such! I think he just likes the attention,” said Johnson’s mother Dorothy, 79.

“That handsome Mr. McCain is the cat’s pajamas,” added Dorothy’s sister, Ethel Jones, 84.

A review of public records appears to show the sisters’ accusations are true. Johnson’s pattern of vacillation apparently started at Orangesburg-Wilkinson High, where he refused to express a preference between Mary “Iron Legs” Carter and Elizabeth “Purty Grits” Burleson in the hotly contested 1971 race for prom queen, leading to a series of “private caucuses” with the candidates, hosted in the office of Sam, the one-eyed janitor.

Since registering to vote, Johnson has expressed little interest in current events, apart from brief periods every four years, when his unwillingness to commit to public support of any candidate makes him, for a time, the most sought-after man in all the Midlands.

Many South Carolinians seem annoyed by Johnson’s continued neutrality.

“The only reason I can see that someone wouldn’t know who to vote for is they was either stupid or dead,” said Frank Brady of Columbia. “They all been on the TV for months now, I reckon. I know Fred Thompson had me back in November, when I first heared him say, ‘Heeeeeeeeeelllllllllll—lllloooooooooo.’ ”

“I don’t even think A.J. votes,” offered his pastor, Apostle Sammy Smith of Grace Cathedral Christian Fellowship in Sumter. “Back in 2000, I seen him go from pollin’ place to pollin’ place, just chattin’ up the volunteers on the outside, pickin’ up T-shirts and fresh barbeque at every turn.”

Smith held his head in his hands and whistled softly. “Boy’s a wolf in cheap clothing.”

Attempts to reach Johnson at his home were made difficult by the crush of candidates and their aides pressed against his back fence, many shouting promises and offering gifts if he would “join the team” — although reports that he was offered the vice-presidency by Mike Huckabee remain unconfirmed at this time.

Reached by phone, Johnson stated, “I would love to refute these lowdown dirty lies, but I’ve gotta go — there’s a mole on my back I need Dr. Paul to look at, and then Mitt’s gonna stop by and help me paint my shed.”


Comments

1 Comment to “Undecided Voter Craves Attention”

  1. David on January 21st, 2008 4:40 pm

    So, Canada has added us to the list of states that torture people eh?

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