I am a reasonable woman. I try to look for the good in other people, and I’m perfectly willing to listen to opposing points of view, because it’s only when we truly engage those with whom we disagree that we are able to learn anything about ourselves! Most disagreements, from parking spaces to peace in the Middle East, could be settled by nothing more than a steaming pot of coffee and a double dose of understanding.

But not this one.

Simply put, if you don’t hang your roll of toilet paper so it hangs down from the front, you’re a subhuman insect that I can and will crush like the Wicked Witch of the East. With the weight of my WHOLE. FREAKING. HOUSE.

I’ve tried to reason with you people. I’ve tried to show you that it’s obvious that if you set up the roll of toilet paper to hang from the front, it’s easier to reach, easier to tear, and easier on the eyes. After all that I’ve done for you, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re still so incredibly stupid! Why can’t you do anything right?

Don’t you understand how important this is??

Sometimes I’ll be visiting a friend’s house and I’ll politely excuse myself to use the bathroom. I usually don’t need to go — after all, my bladder is Hellga-strong — but I like to do spot checks, just to make sure my friends are toileting smart. Usually things check out just fine in the potty department, but last week, my yoga buddy Stacey failed the test big time. First thing I did was whip and flip, spin that bad boy right round so I could piddle proper, the way God intended, with that Quilted Northern rolling down before me like justice, or a clear mountain stream.

Second thing I did was stomp back out to the living room and smack Stacey down. Some women would have thought, Let it go, Tawny, or It’s not a big deal, or At least wait until after the baby shower, but not me! And what kind of woman hides behind a pregnant lady anyway?

See, when it comes to toilet paper, there’s one way, period. And if any of you ever try to bring those weak backwards ways into my bathroom, I’ll shiv you with the roller, wrap you up with Charmin King Tut-style, and drag you out to my trunk in the dead of night.

The police will never find your body.

I thank you for your time.

Oh, it is so on.

You read that old biddy’s babbling? Goin’ on and on about “easy to tear” and “easy on the eyes” and all, like we’re too stupid to trust our own brains over the prejudices of a two-time felon?

That’s right, Tawny, I’m callin’ you out. Or should I call you “Psycho T”?

But let’s get to the point. If you roll your toilet paper from the front, like Tawny Nutjob over there, you’re an uncultured boob. Let me tell you why.

The bathroom — at least my bathroom — is a place of peace and rest, a getaway from the stress of my life as a full-time housewife and part-time Herbalife saleswoman (CALL NOW for a great deal on HOODIA!).

So when I go in for my afternoon constitutional, I want to be soothed. I crave beauty and grace in a world of harsh plainness. What I absolutely do not want to see is a nasty ol’ strip of toilet paper all up in my face, reminding me again of the unpleasantness of life, and the task that will so soon be behind me.

No, no, my friend. The paper belongs in the back. It’s prettier. It’s more elegant. It’s safer from the claws of my four cats (Muffin, Muffin II, Chatty Catty Kitty, and Muffy). It balances the energies in my bathroom and restores me to a state of inner peace.

And if you disagree with me, may God have mercy on your soul.

Tawny may have a point when she says it’s easier to tear from the front, I don’t know. I guess I don’t think of it much. But you know what would make it even harder to tear? HAVING NO HANDS!! Is that a risk you want to take? Because that’s how much this means to me! You come to my house, I’ll cut your hands off, Tawny! Let’s see what you think about toilet paper when all you’ve got are a couple of stumps at the end of your bony, wizened arms!!

Do not mess with me on this.

In conclusion, rolling the toilet paper toward the back provides a general increase in aesthetics, protection from the playful paws of silly kitties, and allows you to remain in possession of all your important extremities.

The choice is yours.