Best of Bweinh! — Hot v. Cold

March 7, 2008, 7:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Chloe, Debate, Steve  | No Comments

Originally published June 26, 2007.

In this corner, preferring cooler weather, is Steve!

And in this corner, preferring hotter weather, is Chloe!

Today, Syracuse will swelter. It’s the hottest day of the year. The high will be 95; combined with tropical humidity, this will make it nearly unbearable outside. Last week, I spent 7 days in New Mexico, Satan’s sauna, where highs reached triple digits every day.

What a perfect time to extol the joys of cooler weather!

I’ve worked outside in temperatures that ranged from 25 below to 95 above, and I’ll take the colder end anytime. Most of the worst jobs in America face extreme heat, including cowboys, ironworkers, longshoremen and roofers. Horses and hot tar don’t give you a 6-hour break at high noon!

It’s true people are more comfortable in warm-weather attire, but let’s think about extremes. If you’re too cold, you can always put on warmer clothing, or more of it. But when it’s hot outside, there’s a pretty strict legal limit on how high you can, uh, let your freak flag fly. Even if you can get nekkid, there’s no guarantee that unfortunate decision will cool you down enough to be comfortable.

Plus they say freezing to death is one of the least objectionable ways to die. Your extremities slowly go numb, which sounds like bliss compared to the searing pain of heatstroke pounding your head into seizure, hallucination and coma.

Maybe the best reason to like cold weather is its effect on relationships. When it’s hot like today, unless you’re submerged in a body of water, you don’t want to be near anyone. Tempers shorten, fuses blow, and even a platonic hug exchanges more fluid than a blood transfusion.

But not only do you want to be around other people when it’s cold, it’s practically necessary to conserve heat! Cuddling up on the couch with someone special isn’t an unpleasant, sweaty chore like in July — in the winter, it keeps up both morale and body temperature.

Hot weather is for individuals — sweaty, uncomfortable, and alone — but cool weather? Cool weather brings us together.

Imagine yourself, eight years old, waking up one morning and noticing the air is unusually crisp and muted. As you tumble out of bed, heart racing, breath quickening, you know that — yes, out the window — SNOW!

You run screaming down the hall, smack into your mother’s knees. “Not without these!,” she chirps, pointing to the mountain of snow gear she will soon inflict on your person.

By the time she finishes protecting your cute little extremities from frostbite, you have to pee, you couldn’t play in the snow if your life depended on it (or get up if you fell down), and the radio has announced the roads are plowed, so school is not canceled.

This would not happen if it were hot. For one thing, you can easily move in the attire required for a hot day, which is next to nothing. More importantly, school can’t be canceled in the heat because there is no school! That means days filled with tans, swimming pools, water fights, picnics, sports, and siestas.

Oh, yes, siestas. It’s a physical impossibility to work when it’s 105 degrees out, ladies and gentlemen. That means you quit at 1:00 and don’t start up again until 6:00, if at all!

Still not convinced? Let’s not forget these other important points:

— Ice will kill you on the road. Hot asphalt will not, unless you’re stupid and walk barefoot on it, and then it’s your own fault.

— Heat makes all the scary things go away, like snakes, big things with teeth, and children.

— Heat stroke is temporary, but another good reason not to work. Frostbite is forever, like diamonds, but without the jewel or the finger to put it on.

— Water parks, ice cream, barbecues, parades. Have you ever tried to have a parade in below-zero weather?

If you still prefer the cold, I’ll pull the patriotic card. As Americans, we stand for liberty, and if shorts, tank tops and flip flops aren’t liberating, I don’t know what is. Certainly not your snow pants.



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