Bweinh! Goes to the Movies: 10,000 BC

March 11, 2008, 10:30 am; posted by
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I knew a girl like 10,000 BC once. An entity of enthralling beauty and delicately constructed features, but once I discovered how shallow and plotless she truly was, I came to resent the effort spent on her charms. As such is this movie, a libation poured out on the ground of cinema.

To be sure, the fanboys will have something to text each other about. The graphics are state-of-the-art, at times truly captivating, and there’s enough gore to sate the bloodlust of any desensitized young American man. The cinematography was beautifully captured, and it covered the entire earthscape, from snowy hillsides to dry deserts. But — I say again — I was just appalled that so much effort could be expended to provide this beautiful vehicle of a motion picture, then occupy it with a little runt of a story.

To call it formulaic would give it too much credit. Missed opportunities to force myself to become emotionally invested in characters were all too frequently evident, and the script smacked of having been written in an afternoon. Enthralling CGI manifestations like the saber-toothed tiger were sadly, sorely wasted, and the timeline of technological advances was irritatingly incongruous.

The film is rumored to have cost more that $100 million to produce, which is remarkable for a flick that doesn’t boast one A-list actor. You can clearly see where the money was spent. Please note it wasn’t on acting talent.

The movie has no swearing (of the anno domini variety at least), and despite the loincloth era setting, there was practically no nudity. Also, while numbing, the story is also harmless, and does achieve its thinly stated goal of proving that men can’t be gods. If you don’t mind horribly warping your kids’ sense of history and Egyptian architecture, this could be an easy way to kill a night at the movies.

But as this wannabe epic wound down, and the remaining cents of my $8 gasped their last, I just wanted more. I didn’t want to have any points driven home, and I didn’t want to feel educated about culture and earthly history. I simply wanted to be entertained. I frankly expected this, from the director of Independence Day: more of the ridiculous, yet thrilling, variety of film that doesn’t last much longer than the parking lot, but makes your popcorn taste better in the theatre.

I’m not hard to please, but this film was resoundingly poor, ill-conceived, and executed with only the vaguest of intentions. While it wanted to appear as a revolution in modern film-making, believe me — there was no wheel invented here.


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