Clash of the Titans LXXVI: Cats and Dogs

March 28, 2008, 12:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Connie, David, Debate  | 9 Comments

In this corner, arguing for felines, is Connie!

And in this corner, backing canines, is David!

Ever since I taught my younger brother to play chess I have been avoiding this day — the day of face-to-face competition. Now you\’re going to see why I hid the chess pieces.

The first thing I noticed about my dear brother\’s piece is that except for our own canines, every other dog he mentioned was fictitious. Why is this pertinent? Well, I submit that my esteemed opponent lives in La-La Land with those fake doggies. Here\’s what happens in the real world, Dave.

Thanksgiving ’98: I run home for a stick of butter I left on my kitchen counter. As I enter, I encounter a strange smell that could only be described as “fouler than death,” and the butter is missing. When I call my dog, she slinks over to me. Suddenly, I see why: there is butter-induced dog puke all over my kitchen — and my living room. But we weren’t finished! To top it off, she left a cow liver in the hallway!

That’s not all! A year earlier, when she had puppies, she broke out of her carefully constructed kitchen kennel, and had a puppy in every room before we got home! So point 1 is this: cats make cat-sized messes. When a dog makes a mess, it can change your family vocabulary forever: “Life is rough, and then your dog eats butter.” Check.

Point 2: The worst thing a cat will do to a visitor is ignore her. But when visiting dog-occupied homes, I’ve experienced a number of horrific scenarios — the large dog that hates me and wants to kill me, the large dog that loves me and want to slobber all over me. Or the VEEERRRY large dog who thinks I smell reeeally greeeaat, and would love to smell me more, forcing me to push its huge face (where the teeth are) away, at risk of great physical harm. Finally, there’s the small dog who sees me as a threat and barks loudly and constantly, threatening to bite if I so much as move.

Yip yip yip, yip yip! Yip, yip, yip, yip yip! Yip yip!!



Why do I like cats? Because they know how to shut up!! Plus, they\’re soft and cuddly, don\’t need a lot of attention, and can be left alone for a weekend with a bowl of Special Kitty and a dripping faucet. A cat is like a stuffed animal with a personality! We get ours fixed and train them to go to the bathroom outdoors, then sit back and enjoy the benefits — which include killing massive numbers of rodents (ridding the world of potential epidemics), with no thanks asked in return. A recent study says that cats can even prevent heart attacks! Maybe it’s the calming effect of not having to clean up butter puke and roadkill.

By the way, Dave, your rook\’s in the hall closet. Love you, bro — checkmate.

Wallace P. MacSweet. Liberty Diefenbaker Proton Fay. Lady and the Tramp. Rin-Tin-Tin, Lassie and Ol’ Yeller. Benji, Air Bud, Underdog, Chance, and Shadow, to mention but a few. Time fails me to tell of all the shining examples of dogs who have distinguished themselves in the annals of human history through their loyalty, bravery and undying devotion.

When the Phantom needs a sidekick, does he turn to anyone but Devil to watch his back? Where would Charlie Brown be without Snoopy? And speaking of Snoopy, does he content himself to lie around eating up the family food budget, producing nothing but fertilizer? No. He is a certified war hero and flying ace, an attorney, and a hockey player to boot.

What does the cat world have to set against this? A lazy, fat, lasagna-eating, hairball-hacking fleabag that takes every opportunity he can find to embarrass and humiliate his owner?

And which side was Catwoman on in the epic battle of good and evil in Gotham City?

The dog has always been regarded as man’s best friend. Whether it’s for companionship, protection, or a hot meal in a pinch, dogs have always been the one animal on this planet that man could turn to in a time of need.

Imagine running the Iditarod across the frozen tundra, temperatures hovering near 50 below, and your life depending on a pack of . . . felines. If you ever even got a cat into Alaska, you certainly could never get it to leave the house in those sub-zero temperatures.

Dogs are domesticated friends, fellow laborers in all our troubles. Cats are parasites, who somehow attached themselves to the human race long ago, finding a soft place to sleep and free food.

Dogs are working animals. Blind people use seeing-eye dogs to navigate the world, and policemen use specially trained dogs to search for drugs, firearms, and explosives. Dogs control crowds; they find escaped criminals and lost Boy Scouts. Ranchers use dogs to round up sheep and cattle — nursing homes use them to improve the mental and physical health of the elderly. What do cats do, again? Oh yes, nothing.

I read that the essential difference between cats and dogs is this: When you come home after work, feed your dog, and pet him, he looks at you with devotion and wonder, thinking, “Wow, he must be a god!”

But when you do the same to a cat, it looks at you with contempt and annoyance, and thinks, “I must be a god.”



9 Comments to “Clash of the Titans LXXVI: Cats and Dogs”

  1. Connie on March 28th, 2008 12:19 pm

    I don’t want to start any nasty rumors, but once I visited Dave’s house and noticed he plays a little game with his kitties where he hangs them by their pointies in his living room archway just to see how long they can last. They are contenders I can tell you that. He’d better watch his back.

  2. Djere on March 28th, 2008 5:56 pm

    “Ranchers use dogs to round up sheep and cattle — nursing homes use them to improve the mental and physical health of the elderly.”

    Yeah, a study showed that a robot did just as much to improve mental and physical health as a dog did.

    Thought I’d throw that out there…

  3. David on March 29th, 2008 8:11 pm

    The game I play with my cats that I love the best is Kitty Bowling. We have a long, long, slippery hallway and they work well for knocking down empty soda bottles and cans.

  4. Wallace P MacSweet on March 30th, 2008 7:12 pm

    I have read every clash ever written on this siet and none troubles me as deeply as this one. Do you really mean to tell me that the majority of the people who visit this site, not just tolerate, but prefer felines??? I am appalled.

  5. Steve on March 30th, 2008 11:50 pm

    I generally vote strategically, to keep things close. I regret that I wasted one of my two votes on cats, whom I barely tolerate, when dogs — wonderful dogs! — are suffering this way. I am stunned by these results.

  6. Connie on April 1st, 2008 10:19 am

    I assume you are resting more comfortably today? I assume people were just aout of town or being nice to me since it was my birthday,

  7. Hoss on April 1st, 2008 11:22 am

    Gasp. 8 to 8, who will win the battle of Cats and Dogs?!?

  8. Dsweetgoober on April 1st, 2008 4:42 pm

    I could have counted on votes from 10 other people at my house but we all had the same IP address, so I settled for me voting at home and Wally voting at work.

  9. Dsweetgoober on April 2nd, 2008 9:15 am

    Here I am goofing off this morning by reading BWEINH! at work (with no intent on commenting) when I notice the security word is JOBLESS. Yeah, yeah, I get the hint. Back to work…

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