The Council’s Ruling — Most Useful Animal

06/16/2008, 12:30 pm -- by Bweinh | 2 Comments

This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.

This week’s question — What is the most useful animal?

Steve delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Djere, Kaitlin, MC-B, and Josh:

The only animal eaten, drank, and worn all over the world — the placid, cud-chewing cow.

Djere concurs, joined by MC-B, and Job:

Bos taurus: the humble cow. The female is useful for milk, the male for work and meat. If man didn’t have steak, it would be the end of civilization.

Tom dissents, joined by Connie, Erin, and David:

The dog. Whether guiding the blind or guarding the sheep, pulling a sled or finding a bomb, dogs are our oldest, most faithful, and most useful companions.

Mike dissents, joined by David:

The horse — it’s entertainment! It’s transportation! It’s food!

Chloe joins this dissenting opinion:

The Passenger Pigeon is the most useful to mankind because it, and its subsequent diseases, are extinct.

Next time: What is the most ridiculous Olympic sport?

One Hundred Words (18)

06/16/2008, 10:00 am -- by Erin | No Comments

Twaddle, twaddle, poke and paddle,
tell me what you see,
stirring, arms taut ”˜round that big pot
you mimic, so, with glee.
Oh, I added cumin — but that\’s just human —
or perhaps I like the kick.
To our sweet and savory meat?
Perhaps I should spices pick.
Don\’t worry now, for you\’ll see how
you won\’t tear up at taste.
Though I can\’t deny I\’ve never tried
this partic\’lar baste.

So sat they down, with smile and frown,
Sans restaurant or waiter.
And Cook agreed with Taster, indeed
She\’d use a recipe later.

–EC

Joke of the Day, 6/16/08

06/16/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | 1 Comment

What’s the difference between an accordion and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

217 Words on Marriage

06/13/2008, 4:00 pm -- by David | No Comments

I have heard marriage described as agreeing to spend your life in a room that is too warm with a person who thinks it is too cold. It\’s also agreeing to drink weak coffee with someone who thinks it\’s too strong; spending a third of your life in a bed that’s too soft with someone who thinks it\’s too hard; having to be too hard on your children while she is being too soft — or vice versa.

Marriage is compromise — but the good kind, not the bad. When Paul wrote, “He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord ”” how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world ”” how he may please his wife,” he wasn\’t being critical. He was just being honest.

After 26 years of successful marriage I think I can safely say: “He who is married and cares not for how he may please his wife, will soon enough be spending his days fishing, drowning his sorrows alongside other unmarried saps, whining about how impossible women are to live with.” The most ridiculous advice I have ever received about how to be a “real man around my house” consistently came from men whose wives fled long ago.

Viva le wimp!

Quote of the Day, 6/13/08

06/13/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” — H. Ford

Another Tract from Chick!

06/13/2008, 12:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

{democracy:258}

Boumediene

06/12/2008, 11:30 am -- by Steve | 1 Comment

I am compelled.

This morning the Supreme Court decided that the constitutional writ of habeas corpus applies to “alien enemies detained abroad by our military forces in the course of an ongoing war.”

Such an understanding of the Constitution has been absent throughout the last 230-some years of history and precedent. In fact, during WWII, in Johnson v Eisentrager, the Supreme Court rejected this very argument: “The privilege of litigation has been extended to aliens, whether friendly or enemy, only because permitting their presence in the country implied protection. No such basis can be invoked here, for these prisoners at no relevant time were within any territory over which the United States is sovereign.”

Oh, and although three years ago, the Court graciously opined (in Hamdan v Rumsfeld) that the democratically elected branches of government had an important role in determining our policy toward terror suspects, now they have apparently changed their minds. The Court — unelected and unaccountable to the people — reigns supreme, and now our military must produce classified intelligence information to prove (under who knows what standard) the guilt of an enemy captured on the battlefield. As the Chief Justice pointed out in his dissent, the real winners here are the lawyers, for whom this will provide a flurry of work, now that they must shape our policy toward terrorists.

Just as sad — this decision will likely be applauded by BOTH major presidential candidates.

In the long run, we will likely release many of these suspected terrorists, rather than give them access to our classified evidence and, more importantly, how we found it. And they will again be free to kill our soldiers. Or us.

But don’t be too happy for them. Down the road, I expect our military to, shall we say, get around this problem. Unlike five members of the Supreme Court, our armed forces understand the proper response to someone who wants to kill you.

One Hundred Words (17)

06/12/2008, 9:00 am -- by Djere | No Comments

Attention Lowe’s customers: the time is now 9:45 p.m. and our store will be closing for the evening in fifteen minutes. Just a friendly reminder: Lowe’s hours are 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday through Saturday, and Sunday 8 to 8. At this time I’d like to ask you to make your final selections and bring them to the lighted registers at the front of the store where our friendly cashiers will gladly ring you through. As always, thank you for shopping and saving with Lowe’s.

Attention customers: the time is now 10 p.m. and our store is closing for the evening. For your shopping convenience, we will reopen tomorrow at 6 a.m.

–JJM

Joke of the Day, 6/12/08

06/12/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A man was feeling ill, so he went to his doctor and discovered he had an incurable disease. He pleaded with the doctor to find him a miracle cure, and after thinking a while, the doctor told him to go to a nearby spa and have a mud bath each day.

“Will this cure me, Doctor?”

“No, but it will get you used to dirt.”

Silence

06/11/2008, 10:00 am -- by Chloe | 1 Comment

— I —

I don\’t know how to pray. I ask God to forgive my sins and take care of my family and heal this or that other person, but it\’s as if, as has been said before, my prayers aren\’t reaching beyond the ceiling.

But that\’s not it, exactly. It\’s not that I feel like God is ignoring me. I feel like my words are missing something, and I have no idea what.

— II —

I went to a new church last Sunday. I didn\’t care for the sermon too much. The lay pastor tried to prove Jesus\’ Christology through reason, something I believe cannot be done, just like you can\’t prove God\’s existence — that\’s the profound beauty of faith. Sunday school, on the other hand, was remarkable. We watched a video done by Walter Wangerin concerning the four steps of prayer: we speak, God listens; God speaks, we listen. This was the final lecture of the series, regarding emptiness before God. Wangerin told about a life-changing decision he had been praying about, sure that he would be receptive to what God would say to him. But Wangerin heard nothing, and nothing, and nothing. Only after driving through the treacherous Alaskan hills in a snowstorm, where one misstep meant the end of his life, did he hear God\’s answer. He was empty before God, finally depending on Him completely to survive moment by moment. That is when God spoke.

— III —

The Carthusian order of monks is considered the most strict and austere of the Catholic orders. Founded in 1084, the order has changed only trivially in the last millennia. Carthusian monks depend on solitude for their spiritual formation, and entry into the order is difficult simply because many men would go crazy for the silence.

The Carthusians devote their lives purely to prayer. To them, prayer ranges from liturgy and study to petitions and meditation. The monks teach the novices that the purpose of the endless hours of meditation is to empty oneself and hear God speak.

— IV —

I do not know how to pray. I am missing something vital, something I suspect no one can teach me — I have to discover it for myself. And so instead of praying loudly in my head, asking for this or giving thanks for that, I will sit quietly, empty myself of my life in this world, and listen for God\’s voice in the silence.

Quote of the Day, 6/11/08

06/11/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

“Parents are not interested in justice; they’re interested in peace and quiet.” — B. Cosby

Best of Job: A War Too Civil

06/10/2008, 3:00 pm -- by Job Tate | No Comments

Best of Job, originally published in February 2006.

This past July I ducked into Denny’s for some ice cream on the most obnoxious of hot and humid days. Claiming a booth and reading an expired USA Today, I settled into my peach dessert. By and by, a group of Revolutionary War re-enactors, still dressed in their period garb with artfully placed smears on their faces, came in and bivouacked diagonal from me. They ordered their meals and began commiserating about the Battle of Hubbardton, where all had just died, yet survived. You can imagine what a colorful treat this was for me.

They spoke of stirring deaths, gung-ho dives into tall grass, how old some re-enactors were getting, how great the smoke looked this year. You know — re-enacting type stuff.

With my ice cream an orange puddle at the bottom of a deceptively shallow bowl, I gave the war boys one last once-over with my eyes and left. I left, feeling sure that they would soon be in the dust heap of my memory.

But they didn’t retire so easily. The image bugged and dogged me for months. There was something about the situation that haunted me, and I racked my brain for an answer like I was trying to remember the last name of an old friend.

Finally, it hit me. I knew where I’d seen it before.

The patriots reminded me of Christians — and not pleasantly so.

Ever feel like our faith has become somewhat of a holy hobby? We love to talk shop and impress on each other our deep knowledge of muskets, field maneuvers and brilliant battlefield tacticians. We argue pre-trib/post-trib like a climber debates the nutritional value of Power Bars and Clif Bars. And we compare stats, never outright but just below the surface, like vicarious fantasy league fanboys — without any real athletic cache or sore muscles.

Church sometimes carries for me the uncomfortably queasy likeness of a Star Trek convention — we think a tiresome day in the battlefield is conversing with a Mormon over coffee in an airport diner, and we are more elated by the opportunity to share the war story with other believers than we were to share the Peace story with the unbeliever.

We stress about relevance in the world. We develop a complex if our music isn’t especially pleasing to human ears.

We’re petty and hypocritical. We’re competitive; we turn on each other.

We defend unborn children out of one blubbering side of our mouths, yet condemn a murderer to death out of the sneering other. An acrobatic feat worthy of those so well-versed in the game of Christianity.

We re-enact.

We quote Peter, and invoke Paul — still frames, never a movie.

The smears on our faces are for dramatic effect, never earned by actual warfare.

We re-enact.

And the most unsettling thing for me is that I am one of the worst. Granted an upbringing in a Kingdom outpost, given a stellar education, blessed with many gifts, and best of all, possessed of that beautiful itch for a fight.

And to use all that just to argue incessantly? I hate quitting and losing, but I’ve become a man who fights to win the argument, not the soul — a sophist who offers all rhetoric and no recourse. All cake and no bread. As James would call me, a waterless cloud.

But we’ve been called, friends. Not to re-creation, not to “name it and claim it,” but to an actual showdown with live rounds exploding around us. This is not a re-enactment.

But what a comfortable thing it is for us, eh? To wear the uniform for a moment, feel the fleeting thrill of the fight, then retire to discuss it over a hot meal before returning to the workday world and bundled Verizon package.

It’s so pleasant to live in the vicarious fog of an epic struggle, when we won’t acknowledge its demands for boots on the ground, rather than a roll call in the pews.

The Apostle’s battles were theirs.
These battles are ours.
The victory is His.

One Hundred Words (16)

06/10/2008, 11:16 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Congressional Democrats are idiots. I can’t think of any other way to explain their newest plan to “save us” from high energy prices.

Step One: eliminate tax breaks for domestic production of oil (thus removing what incentive remains to produce it here)

Step Two: institute a “windfall profits” tax on oil companies (thus penalizing shareholders for market forces outside their control)

Add this brilliance to their unflinching refusal to consider drilling for oil off our shores or in ANWR, and you might begin to understand how Congress consistently boasts an approval rating 10 to 15 points lower than even President Bush.

–sm

Luke Playoffs — Round 1

06/10/2008, 9:00 am -- by Bweinh | 1 Comment

It’s time once again to add to the Pantheon of Biblical band names! You’ve selected 24 of the best submissions from the book of Luke (including, most recently, Suffer and Rise), and it’s time for the first eight matchups among them.

Past winners include Kindred (Genesis), Stripe for Stripe (Exodus), and Plan B (Luke).

{democracy:250}

{democracy:257}

{democracy:251}

{democracy:256}

{democracy:252}

{democracy:255}

{democracy:253}

{democracy:254}

Joke of the Day, 6/10/08

06/10/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

Descartes is at a bar, and at last call the bartender asks him if he wants another beer. “I think not,” he says. And he disappears!

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