Rules of the Road: Winter Edition

12/18/2007, 11:00 pm -- by | 1 Comment

If you’re an honest, God-fearing American, you live someplace where winter means snow. Some place like New York, Missouri, or Canada. Here’s what you’ll need to know.

â”” Contrary to popular belief, snow is neither divine dandruff, nor the byproduct of an angelic pillow fight. Snow is actually a Venezuelan conspiracy to drive up oil prices.

â”” If on the road during a snowstorm, be patient. It’ll all melt eventually.

â”” Practice makes perfect! Practice handling your vehicle in snowy conditions in the nearest empty parking lot, or handling blizzard conditions at your nearest Dairy Queen. Better yet, kill two birds with one stone at your nearest empty Dairy Queen parking lot.

â”” Every other vehicle you’ll meet on the road will be piloted by morons. They’ll either try to drive 5 or 65. Don’t worry, you’ll pass their vehicles, immobile and abandoned in the snowbanks just a few miles up the road. Pointing and laughing comes at no extra cost.

â”” Always travel in a vehicle with all- or four-wheel drive unless a vehicle with six-wheel drive or tank treads is available.

â”” If you’re cursed with unsafe travel (read: motorcycle, car, minivan, or airplane), be sure to keep bags of sand in the trunk. It will help you gain traction, and, in a pinch, you can throw it in your enemies’ eyes and yell “NINJA VANISH!”

â”” If the unthinkable happens, and your vehicle goes off the road, above all else, REMAIN CALM! Think to yourself, ‘At least I’m not watching that godforsaken A Christmas Story . . . again.’

â”” If you want a snow day, turn your pajamas inside out and wear them backwards. It’s empirical data, verified by men in scientific-looking lab coats, that this will help. Light from the sun, in the form of photons, bounces off the moon and is transformed by… I don’t know. It’s science, and it works.

Countdown to America Electing Yet Another Self-Centered, Self-Serving Egotist 2008

12/9/2007, 7:50 pm -- by | 2 Comments

There are more than three weeks until the official start of the Year of our Lord 2008.

Already there are over 7,100,000 hits on google for election 2008. Contrast that with fewer than 3.9 million for Britney Spears, and even a walrus can see that FAR TOO MUCH has already been written about an election over 300 days away.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy politics as much as the next guy who minored in Political Science (Poli-Sci, for those in the know). I’m just not a glutton for punishment. Not that the news media are going to let us off the hook. They’ll be all up in our collective grill, telling us either what we already know or what they want us to know, creating and destroying buzz words faster than Dan Rather can give a frog a handgun.

Flashback 2004

Djere is seated in JLM 319 – Editorial, Opinion, and News Analysis. The assignment was to inform the professor which Presidential candidate you support (thus splitting the class in half), and as editorial boards, write an endorsement for your candidate. After tallying the slips of paper a sigh, and a slight pause, Professor Karadjov speaks.
 

P.K.: “I’m going to need five volunteers. Contrary to national polling, Mr. Maxon here is the only student in the class supporting President Bush for relection.”

So clearly the *next* generation of Journalists is as liberal as you thought they’d be.

Thank God for democracy and all that, but if this election crap keeps up, it’s going to take more than Twiggy water skiing around a kiddie pool to keep from losing my mind.

Swiftboating, leapfrogging, gerrymandering… aww, crap for crap.

On the bright side, it was my (unbeknownst to me) Al Capone quote that got my endorsement voted best in the class.

“And remember: this election day, vote early, vote often, and vote for Bush.”

 

P.S. So far, only one reply… from the RON PAUL campaign!

History in Making

12/8/2007, 2:21 am -- by | 7 Comments

I may have made history on my lunch break today.

I spent my hour of personal freedom emailing each of the major presidential campaigns with an identical question. I will share the question now, but I’ll wait to see how many replies I get before sharing the candidates’ OFFICIAL opinions.

Jeremiah Maxon wrote:
 

Subject: Question on an Issue
 

To Whom it May Concern:
 

There are many who are convinced that Zombies are the most convincing threat to national security. Where does your candidate stand on the issue of Zombies?
 

Sincerely,
 

Jeremiah Maxon
bweinh.com

This could be the best election year EVER!

Why We Believe: Vol. 5

11/10/2007, 9:00 am -- by | 3 Comments

This and following weekends, we will share the brief salvation testimony of each Bweinh!tributor. So far we’ve heard from David, Steve, Tom, and Connie. Next in line is Djere.

“Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”
–Revelation 12:10b-11

There’s an old self-actualization exercise professors use in just about every field of coursework — writing your own obituary. It’s supposed to help you focus your studies onto long-term goals and help get you there quicker.

I was reflecting on that verse Friday, thinking that of all the verses in the Bible that I want to be true in my life, that’s one of them. And when all is said and done, I earnestly hope to God that is my verse.

As much as a three-year-old can understand sin, damnation, repentance, and eternal life, when threatened by my older brother with eternal hellfire, I made my first — and last — tearful bedside conversion. But the problem with being second of six siblings is that I quickly got fed up with the crowd. My “rebellion” was not simply agreeing to whatever I was told. I wanted to explore it first, tear it apart, chew it, and discover it was as true for me as the Bible said it was.

Early one summer Dad told us, matter-of-factly, that his sons were all to be baptized. No discussion, no debate — just a cool statement of fact. But unlike my ovine brothers, I wasn’t letting my father — or anyone else — make my decision for me. So baptism day came and went with a sopping wet Stephen, a sopping wet Thomas, and a remarkably dry Jeremiah. Once I had made up my mind, I was baptized the next summer.

My teenage years were spent learning about spiritual leadership from our pastor and leading a youth small group. Once I left home for Oswego State University, I helped re-grow the BASIC college ministry from a sparsely-populated club to one of the largest organizations on campus.

But a testimony is more that a recollection of facts — it’s how we overcame and how we overcome. I’ve seen healings, I’ve seen miracles, I’ve seen lives changed. And I will see more.

Here lies Jeremiah ‘Djere’ Maxon (1983 – 2023)
Beloved Prophet, Pastor, Missionary, Itinerant Worker of Miracles — all around hep cat.
Revelation 12:11

“But Brother… it’s the Lord’s day!”

11/1/2007, 12:50 pm -- by | 3 Comments

One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.
Romans 14:5 (NKJV)

How is it that we, post-modern, sophisticated, intellectual American Christians still can’t decide which day of the week to meet together for worship? How is it that we, post-modern, sophisticated, intellectual American Christians still don’t fully grasp that the day of the week doesn’t matter?

“Well, brother, Jesus is the Son, so we meet on Sonday!” exclaim the same people who advertise in the Yellow Pages: “All Soldiers Welcome — KJV Only!”

Almost.

We call it Sunday because it was a day dedicated to the Sun god, much in the same way we call it Monday after the goddess of the Moon. SUNday… Monday… See the connection?

But what about the other days of the week? Surely those Seventh-Day Adventists have it right. But let’s just progress through the week.

Following the Moon Goddess’s day we come to Tuesday. If you’re an English speaker (and who isn’t these days?) you celebrate Tuesday, from the Old English Tiwesdaeg from the Norse god Tyr. If you’re a Romantic, it’s some variation of Mars’ Day – both Pagan gods of war.

Holy Odin on a pogo stick, Wednesday, to Anglophiles like Chloe, stems from the Norse god Odin (Wodan). Other Europeans celebrate Mercury’s day: miércoles, mercoledi, or mercredi.

Personally, my favorite day of the week is Thor’s Day, followed by Frigga’s Day, both Norse in origin. TGIF, indeed.

Rounding out our list of pagan dieties is ancient Rome’s Saturn. Poor, old, decrepit lovable Saturn, devouring his children… Makes Saturday morning cartoons seem tame by comparison.

For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live.
1 Corinthians 8:5-6 (NKJV)

What days we meet don’t matter, what days we work don’t matter — it’s that we do work, and more importantly, that we do meet.

Local Car Commercials

10/19/2007, 10:00 am -- by | 2 Comments

I’d forgotten why I don’t watch local news anymore.

It’s not the quality or nature of the broadcasts — it’s the car commercials.

And it’s not the quality or nature of the commercials – all those liars have the same thing to say. It’s how they say it.

“Hi folks, it’s Tom Parks’ here…”

It’s how HE says it.

Though I’ve never met the man, I’d have no qualms about putting a boot through his face.

And I think that when I go back to work after lunch, I’m going to invent a new word.

Billy, you’re HUGE-tarded.

…we met in the middle…

09/22/2007, 3:07 am -- by | No Comments

My Jeep's broken tail light

So what, did my insurance claims adjuster and I *actually* have this conversation:

Insurance Claims Adjuster: “So you’ll be using your collision coverage to replace your tail light, right?”
Djere: “No, I think I’ll just buy one.”
ICA: “Oh, good idea! I mean, you have a thousand dollar deductable anyway, so yours seems like a pretty good idea…”

:( Man, I hate Wal*Mart parking lots.

News in Brief, 9/7/07

09/7/2007, 4:09 pm -- by | No Comments

In Freeze-dried pollenator news, scientists have discovered just how complicated the humble honeybee is – identifying eight species of bacteria, four lineages of fungi, and seven different viruses.

Scientist turning on honeybee grinding machine – “Uh huh, life’s like this…”
Bumblebee Man – “¡Ay, Dios no me ama!

In psychotic, self-important murderer news, everybody’s favorite terrorist struggling to stay relevant Osama/Usama bin Laden released a new diatribe today. Thank God for the New Testament.

Osama – “All praise is due to Allah… and from His Law is retaliation in kind: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and the killer is killed.”
Jesus – “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.”

Labor Day my eye

09/3/2007, 7:54 pm -- by | 1 Comment

Maybe those sissy unionists are taking the day off, but since they’re not here in the palacious bweinh.com boardroom, I’ll take this opportunity to tarnish their collective reputations.

Djere presents ‘Strange and Untrue Cutthroat Rumors!!

* Josh Jones let our love fern die. He is not to be trusted.
* Tom cries himself to sleep at night because he can’t remember the words to ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’
* Steve cries himself to sleep at night because he can’t forget the words to ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’
* Connie only loves one of her children. This humble reporter knows which one… do you?
* David only got into the copier business as a cover for his $2 bill counterfeiting ring.
* Until early this year, MC-B‘s facebook profile listed his religious affiliation as ‘Frisbyterian.’ Non-practicing, I’d bet…
* While the name ‘Michael Jordan’ may hint at his athletic talent, don’t be fooled. The movie ‘Glitter’ is loosely based on Mike‘s tumultuous teens.
* Job can neither swim nor tie knots. What kind of sailor is he, you ask? The Village People kind.
* Not only is Chloe Steve’s girlfriend, he’s the only one who can see her.

It’s all true; a gypsy told me so.

WHAT ON EARTH IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!?!?!

08/29/2007, 11:29 am -- by | No Comments

Looking for family-friendly fun and excitement? Looking to eat deep-fried Snickers bars? Looking to blow through too much money?

If the answer to any of those questions is “maybe,” the Great New York State Fair is for you!

As recently as Sunday, I was at the Great New York State Fair with Karen, official girlfriend of Djere.

We went to the fair to have a good time, but apparently we missed the memorandum that Sunday was ‘Treat Your Unborn Baby to Second-hand Smoke and Alcohol’ Day.

We saw dozens of pregnant women lighting up and pounding beer.

Words inadequately express how angry that made me.

Seriously, if you want to become a drain on our national resources, purposely giving yourself lung cancer and liver cancer, keep on smoking and drinking. In fact, that’s probably where that baby of yours came from. But once you get yourself knocked up after the Kenny Chesney/Taylor Swift concert, things have to change.

STOP KILLING YOUR CHILD!

    Reasons being a no-good redneck hick is bad for your unborn baby’s health

  1. If all pregnant women in the United States stopped smoking, there would be an estimated 11 percent reduction in stillbirths and a 5 percent reduction in newborn deaths.
  2. Both nicotine and carbon monoxide are believed to play a role in causing adverse pregnancy outcomes.
  3. Smoking nearly doubles a woman’s risk of having a low-birthweight baby
  4. No level of alcohol use during pregnancy has been proven safe.
  5. Drinking alcohol during pregnancy can cause a number of birth defects, ranging from mild to severe. These include mental retardation; learning, emotional and behavioral problems; and defects involving the heart, face and other organs.

Please, for the love of all that’s good and holy, do your best to discourage this type of irresponsible behavior! Boycott country music! Boycott cigarette companies! Boycott pregnancy! Slap pregnant women you see smoking!

Have I mentioned boycotting country music!

Oye!

Squeaky Clean

08/20/2007, 2:50 pm -- by | 4 Comments

At some point, and I don’t honestly remember when, I had to put some serious thought into showering. I know it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you need to think about, but applying some thought and reason toward bathing allows you to clean yourself more thoroughly and efficiently than could otherwise be possible.

Sins are gross, vile, and filthy stains that require cleaning. And while I certainly believe that, as the Bible says, whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved, we still have sins to deal with. You know, the process of becoming righteous… personal holiness and all that.

I’ve been a Christian for a long time now, saved at an early age, raised in a Christian home; a third-generation Christian, if you will. But I still struggle with sins in my own life. And it bothers me that after this many years, I still struggle with this problem.

I know I’m not alone, though. Everyone still struggles with sins after they are saved. So if it bothers me that I struggle after two decades of Christianity, it bothers me even more that after two MILLENNIA, Christianity is still permeated with the cancer of sin.

What have denominations been doing since the Reformation? Arguing over eternally worthless doctrinal statements, what day of the week Sunday School should be on, or whether or not ties are part of Heaven’s dress code (along with halos).

I know I’ve put thought into showering because I shower well — I come out of the shower clean, I don’t stink at the end of the day, and I’m relatively well-groomed. By examining the end product, you can tell I have a good process. Can the same be said for some Christian denominations? Spiritually, Christians are washed by the blood of Christ, the Spirit, and by the soap of the Word, right? Is their metaphorical showering doing them any good after they leave church?

Catholics — First, enter a booth and tell your priest what kind of dirt you have on you and where it is. Though you have a bar of soap at home, fully wrapped, you shouldn’t open it because laity couldn’t possibly understand how to use it properly. As you leave the booth, he’ll remind you to ask people, long since dead, who were clean while they lived, to bathe on your behalf.

Pentecostals — Cram as many people as you can into a tent and turn on the shower heads. Get them all riled up: running around in circles, flopping around on the tiled floor, working up a good sweat. Don’t bother learning how to use the soap: the apostles ’tweren’t learn-ed neither! Eventually somebody will show up with a snake. Just go with it.

Baptists — Which type? Does your congregation use the “King Jesus Version” of soap or are they “Nearly Inspired Version” heretics? How long, specifically, should you spend in the shower? Should you wash the right hand, the left hand, or your chest first? What temperature should the water be? For as many complaints or differences of opinion you may have, you can find a Baptist congregation out there tailor-made to your spiritual hissy-fits. Northern, Southern, Conservative, Cooperative, Primitive, Independent, General Associative, Regional, Ecumenical, American (sorry Mike), Progressive… you name it, we got it.

Me? I’d just like to stay grounded in the Word, submitted in the Spirit, and never too proud to see how I’m nothing without Him.

About that election…

08/10/2007, 3:36 am -- by | No Comments

What was I thinking?

Sure, it was a hypothetical vote for an election over a year away, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder what I was thinking. I mean: Mitt Romney? Seriously?

Despite the theological differences I have with the church of Rome, they are still “Christians” in a very real sense. I may have a problem with the loose morals of the “Bible Belt,” but as the Apostle Paul would say, “at least the name of Christ is named.”

Mormons are not Christians.

And though for a while I thought it didn’t matter who the president prays to, these people are messed up.

Satan’s M.O. doesn’t change — you want to be like God, don’t you?

Genesis 3:4-5 says:

“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Somebody at work asked me if I was a Mormon once. I laughed and replied in the negative. “What’s wrong?,” they asked. “Don’t you want to be a god when you die?”

For the slightest of instants, I thought about how cool that would be. But before any other synapses could fire, from the depths of my spirit, I knew the answer was no, I don’t want to be a god. I already have a God. What point is there in worshiping God if I’m going to demand worship as a god myself? Besides, I played Black and White. I was a terrible, evil, petty god who demanded human sacrifice.

I smiled at my co-worker and said, “No thanks, God does a good enough job on His own.”

There are very, very, very few South Park episodes that I can recommend in good conscience. All About Mormons is one. South Park Mormon Picture

Sorry, Mr. Romney. I’d love to vote for your mainstream conservatism, your family values, and your perfectly manicured coif, but I have trouble voting for a man who thinks God was once human, became a god, had sex with Mary to create Jesus, requires followers to wear magic underwear, plans on working his way to heaven to become yet another god, and will keep his spirit brides perpetually pregnant to populate the planet he rules.

Not cool.

As for me and my household? We’ll vote Freddy Thompson.

More Than Discontent

08/6/2007, 2:45 pm -- by | 4 Comments

I just spent a week counseling seven boys, ranging from 16 to 18 years of age at Camp Shiloh.

It’s not boot camp by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s a fairly regimented life. We have a schedule; we stick to the schedule. Counselors have devotions every morning together, we eat three square meals a day (though this year’s food was less than desirable), we have chapel twice a day, and for one entire week, our focus becomes entering the presence of God. Until you see a couple hundred teenagers passionately pursuing God day after day and night after night, you haven’t lived.

To leave that lifestyle is, at the very least, a rough transition.

I returned home to settle back into routine, only to find that I hate my life. Not in an emo way, but in the sad realization way. I thought I liked my job, but I’d trade it for camp in a heartbeat. I’d trade my car for intimacy with God. I’d trade my… just about anything for opportunity to, and intimacy in, worship.

Here I am, having just left work, with this overwhelming feeling that I missed the boat… that I settled for less than there is.

A couple years ago, just before summer break at Oswego, my friends were discussing summer plans and jobs. I said I was working at Lowe’s and they all just stared at me.

“You work?,” they all asked.

“What’s that supposed to mean!?”

My then-unsaved friend Ryan put it best. “I can’t picture you with a real job,” he said, “I just sort of picture you with a stick in one hand and a bible in the other, just walking from town to town preaching the Gospel… you know… like a prophet or something.”

It’s not that I’m unhappy, it’s more than discontent. It’s unfulfilling.

Then again, you try being in the presence of God for a week, then see how well your first day back to work goes. I know where my Bible is. Maybe I should find a stick…

Best of Bweinh! — Virginia Tech

07/23/2007, 11:00 am -- by | No Comments

Originally published April 17, 2007.

“He will not quarrel nor cry out,
Nor will anyone hear His voice in the streets.
A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench,
Till He sends forth justice to victory;
And in His name Gentiles will trust.”

Matthew 12:19-21 (NKJV)


While I sit in a coffee shop in upstate NY, thousands of miles from the Virginia Tech campus, I cannot help but reflect on the events of these past two days. Together, the two attacks constitute the deadliest school shooting in American history and they came only days before the anniversary of the Columbine shooting, our deadliest high school shooting.

Friends, co-workers, strangers in the coffee shop all seem to ask the same three questions.

“Did you hear?”
“Why did it happen?”
“What if it happened here?”

We’ve been created with the ability to empathize with other people, and news this tragic, this life-altering, this profound can often change our view of the world and people around us.

As it was on April 20, 1999, as it was on September 11, 2001, it was today. Collectively and individually, our hearts break for the victims of such tragedies. And though we and our colleagues may be so far removed from the situation physically and socially, we still feel compelled to discuss it. We feel the need to rationalize it. We feel the need to come to sense with the scary world around us.

But some actions can never be understood.

Thirty-three people are dead as a result of the shootings and fifteen are injured. That means nearly fifty families are directly affected by a physical casualty. The attacks left hundreds of first-hand witnesses forever changed as a result of the attack, and thousands more traumatized by the fear that it could happen again.

And though the global outpouring of grief directed toward America and the Virginia Tech campus may bring some small comfort, there is yet again a very real need for inner healing for the victims, their families, their classmates, their peers, and a nation yet again shaken by tragedy. A convocation was held on that campus earlier today toward that end. Speakers included local religious leaders representing the Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian faiths.

Hearts and lives have been torn open in an unfathomable act, and those hearts need mending. And there’s a great God of compassion and grace ready, willing, and able to mend broken hearts, to repair the bruised reeds and smoking flax in the world. That God is very real and very interested in their healing. But ministering that healing has been entrusted to His servants, through the power of the Holy Spirit. Will those same servants sit idly by while the terrified and brokenhearted among us run for placebo after placebo to cure what cannot be cured by human hands?

As I sit in a coffee shop in upstate NY, far removed from the terror, pain, and chaos swirling around the Blacksburg campus, will I remain idle? Will I fail to offer a prayer of intercession or to comfort someone who, though far removed physically, has been deeply affected? Will I be an ambassador of Christ, offering to heal the brokenhearted and repair a broken reed? Will I offer the only cure to the human condition, though the Buddhists and Muslims of the world offer an appealing placebo?

I will and I must.

Will you?

Ethical Immorality

07/12/2007, 9:00 am -- by | No Comments

unethicalnot being in accordance with the rules or standards for right conduct or practice.
immoraldeliberately violating accepted principles of right and wrong.

The terms are used almost interchangeably these days, and I don’t know just how fair that is. In case this is your first visit to the planet, welcome to America, land of moral relativism.

Morality speaks to the inherent right-ness or wrong-ness of a given action, thought, or behavior. Regardless of the current pulse of the nation or flavor of the week, Morality exists and has existed from beyond the beginning of time.

Ethics are different. The problem with ethicality is that it changes from person to person, culture to culture, and time to time. I define ethics as the application of your values.

valuesthe ideals, customs, institutions, etc., of a society toward which the people of the group have an affective regard. These values may be positive, as cleanliness, freedom, or education, or negative, as cruelty, crime, or blasphemy.

Think of the things you value – freedom, money, family. The application of your values – which values take priority over other values – now that’s where you create your ethics. If a business organization places a high value on integrity or truthfulness, part of their code of ethics will reflect that importance. If a member were to deal unfairly with an associate, his actions would be unethical – contrary to the values of his organization.

Personal and organizational ethics are derived from values. Values are based upon two things – both a little farther removed from the lofty ethical ideals we think of as right and wrong. First, we base our values on likes and dislikes, two things which interact, change, morph, and ebb and flow as the years pass. Second, we base them on our experiences and observations.

Likes and dislikes, experience and observation give us the why behind the values which gives us the why behind the ethics. Like a pyramid, many experiences and observations combine into our likes and dislikes. Many likes and dislikes combine into our values. Several values combine into our ethics. The truest state of our ethics come from the bottom up, percolating from our past into our future.

Standing alone are morals. Being a Christian, I cannot believe anything but that morals are absolute. There is absolute supreme truth, and it is real and substantial. If morals are the thing, ethics are the shade, the shadow, the human approximation.

With the regeneration of ourselves through the redemptive work of Christ *should* come the regeneration of our code of ethics. Working in the hearts of men, the Holy Spirit Himself transforms us from the top down.

Nothing can change your past — your experiences, your observations, your hurts and past sins. What changes is your response to them, the forgiveness you receive, and hopefully, your values.

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