The Greatest Humanitarian?

05/24/2007, 7:17 pm -- by | 2 Comments

Last Friday I went to the movies with my girlfriend (and sister to several of my fellow Bweinh!tributors) Rose to see Shrek 3. The movie was alright, certainly not as good as either of its predecessors, but it is not the movie itself with which I am concerned. Instead, it was the ticket-buying process.

I was just returning from a trip to Basileia, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship NY/NJ’s biggest throwdown of the year, and feeling generous when the lady at the ticket counter asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to some organization whose name I can’t remember. When I asked her what the organization did, she said that it had something to do with heart disease. I assumed they took the “anti” side and assented.

Of course, this put me into the dire predicament of having to sign my name on a star to put onto the wall near the ticket counter. I was fairly certain that no one ever, EVER read the names on the wall; still, it seemed tacky to put only my name on the star, but it seemed equally so to put both our names on it as though we could only come up with a dollar between us to fight the evils of heart disease.

Another person working the other side of the ticket counter piped up and said that I should sign “Batman.” I think I must’ve given her a funny look because she went on to explain that people often sign with superhero names, with Batman and the X-Men making frequent appearances. I thought it was an interesting tradition, but I thought it was too obvious for superheroes to take a stand against suffering. It’s practically in the job description. The next minute or so was devoted to thinking up ideas for my signature (it was a slow period at the counter).

Suddenly, one of us stumbled upon it. A name so controversial that I recommend a new Clash of the Titans right here and now to resolve the greatest debate of our time:

Robert Goulet: The Greatest Humanitarian?

The Student’s Wager

05/11/2007, 11:47 am -- by | 3 Comments

At 11:21 this morning, I turned in the last final of my sophomore year of college. It feels pretty good to finally be done and have summer looming before me with its promises of outdoor fun, a multitude of refreshing beverages and gainful employment. However, as I look back, successfully completing this year of college seems a bit hollow. Of the 76 or so years the average American male lives, twenty of mine will be eaten up preparing for the future (3 or so of daycare/preschool, K-12, 4 years of undergrad) — that’s over a quarter of the average without including graduate work!

Completing this year has reminded me that every college guy like me is gambling a rather large portion of his life on the idea that the other 75% of his life on Earth will be worth more to him with a college degree than the 25% he’s traded pursuing one, never mind the loans to repay. That’s a significant wager, and it would be rather frightening if it didn’t pay off.

Of course, I still have my ace in the hole. It will go well for me, even if I become destitute, live in a cardboard box, pick up a touch of the consumption, run up a huge hospital bill and die. I know where I’ll end up in the end, and once I’m there, the results of the earthly wager won’t matter so much. Not everyone has that security, though.

The liberal arts program at an average university teaches students they are better off relying on their own ability to provide for their own security, severely limited as it may be, than to rely on a nebulous concept like God for their needs. After all, if you can’t see Him, how can you trust Him? Students who accept this lie leave the university unarmed to fight with hope against the injustice the world runs on, which eventually leaves many disillusioned, bitter and depressed. Not to be too sentimental, but if in the next few weeks you could think about the students graduating this time of year and pray for them a little, they may appreciate it someday. I know I will; I might have to work with some of these people!

Also, if you could pray that I don’t live in a box, that’d be super too. Thanks.

Operation Bweinh! Post

05/3/2007, 11:39 am -- by | 2 Comments

I have no idea what to post about this week. None.

Anyway, here are some interesting military projects and operations from the past I’ve been reading about recently.

1. Project Habakkuk — A British plan during WWII to build an aircraft carrier out of ice and wood pulp for North Atlantic combat. The idea was that the construction materials would keep the ship afloat even if it took on water. My question: what were the accommodations like? I can’t imagine it’d be very comfortable to sleep, work, or play in a giant refrigerated ice fortress, even by the Royal Navy’s admittedly low standards of comfort.

2. The New Swabian Expedition — Never to be outdone in ice-related military technology, Germany claimed a large portion of Anarctica as its very own for use in the procurement of whales to kill. No one ever recognized their claim, and Germany largely abandoned the plan. Of course, some will tell you the Third Reich never surrendered New Swabia and so it still lives on. However, these are the same kind of people who would tell you that Hitler himself is still alive and collaborating with the Illuminati and space lizards to take over the world.

3. The Color-Coded War Plans — These operations will be delivered in game format — which countries/regions/empires were the following operations developed against? No cheating!

War Plan Red:
War Plan Orange:
War Plan Yellow:
War Plan Green:
War Plan Indigo:
War Plan Violet:
War Plan Black:
War Plan Citron:
War Plan Silver:
War Plan Gold:

That’s all for now. Thanks for playing along this week; there’ll be more topical stuff next week, hopefully. Imagine this guy telling “yo mama” jokes at 8:30 every Friday morning in a Macroeconomics class and you’ll have a pretty good idea what every day of my semester has been like thus far.

Or at least every Friday morning.

Can I interest you in some fine real estate?

04/26/2007, 11:30 am -- by | 3 Comments

Come right in. Please, sit down. What can I do for you folks today? Interested in buying some property, huh? Well, okay, we have a lovely house down on Park Street: oh, you wanted something a bit more unique? Hmm.

Well, maybe I can interest you in one of the most recent arrivals on the real estate scene. We’ve got a few plots that we’re practically giving away on Planet 581 c.

What is Planet 581 c? Well, according to CNN.com, it’s the most Earth-like planet that scientists have ever discovered. Well, yes, I suppose that technically Earth is more Earthlike than 581 c, but I thought that was implied. Okay, okay, I’m sorry, no need to get testy. Anyway, this planet is filled to overflowing with that sweet, sweet substance that we call liquid water. Do you have children? I’ll bet they’d love to jump off a swinging rope into some of 581 c’s cool, clear rivers and lakes. You don’t? That’s a shame. You look like great people.

Did I mention the fact that, on this planet, it’s your birthday every 13 days? By the time you’ve been there for twenty years, you’ll be about 561 years older on this planet, have 561 more years worth of birthday presents, and be able to absolutely destroy Jeanne Calment’s record. Think of that, folks: a place for your name in the Guinness Book of World Records, and all for the low price of this fine piece of property. I have to tell you, though, that buying anniversary presents could get a bit pricey (the 1000th Anniversary is the Bohrium Anniversary, by the way). Probably no problem for wealthy folks like you anyway, right?

This beauty of a planet is also just a quick flight from Earth at only 120 trillion miles away. That’s still more than far enough to keep the mother-in-law at bay, right sir? Oh, okay, that’s fine, no need to get offended.

Aliens? Well, we haven’t checked it out completely yet, but I can guarantee that 581 c is in one of the safest neighborhoods in the known universe; no known signs of life anywhere nearby means no crime, no vandalism, and no pollution. Well, yes, I suppose it might get a bit lonely, but who needs other people when you have each other, right?

Okay, well, you folks take some time to think about it. I can’t guarantee that we’ll have these plots when you make your decision; they’re going pretty quickly. If you decide you want to buy, you have my number.

Introducing MC-B

04/19/2007, 3:46 pm -- by | 3 Comments

Hello, everyone. I don’t have the benefit of knowing all of the Bweinh.com contributors in the real world, and I also have yet to meet many of our readers. For these reasons, I’ve decided my first contribution will be something of an intellectual history and biography, and I’ll save the angry rants for next time.

Before we set out, though, I would like to point out that there is at least an 83.7% chance that this history will contain only one use of the phrase “raisin poop,” and that’s already happened. Apologies all around, and now we may begin.

I’m fairly sure that among the first political books I read was Al Franken’s Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, updated with new material for the era. Politics was so simple to understand as a youth; rich fat men took everything that the poor, Dickensian, coal-smudged lower class had to buy yachts, and every trace of political hatred was concealed beneath a thin, crunchy coating of humorous insults and semi-witty barbs. This conceptualization of politics was further ingrained in me through my household, but lest I write something disrespectful of my parents, I’ll end this line of thought now. Suffice to say that I once got into an argument with my mother about whether the 1970s-80s backlash against progressivism was the fault of hippies, and she responded by asking me if the Holocaust was the fault of the Jews. Godwin’s Law in action, though not online.

Still, I grew up a young progressive, bravely fighting the conservative machine that dominated upstate New York. I remember Mr. Haley (my semi-legendary high school history teacher) placing a non-monetary bet with a rookie teacher that the next student who approached them would identify him/herself as a Republican. I was the next person to the front of the room, so Mr. Haley lost the bet and I won a hearty “Welcome to the good side.”

But then I got to college.

My chosen freshman seminar was “Peace, Power and Sustainability.” From the title, I expected at least some of the course to be about peace or power, which reveals something about my naiveté regarding the priorities of private liberal arts institutions. The course consisted primarily of synthesizing peace studies with environmental concerns. On the plus side, I met some very interesting people, but my eyes got a lot of exercise that semester from extensive rolling, as I realized that many who leaned the same way as I did politically were also the most overbearing and annoying people I’d ever met. Around the same time, I started taking economics courses, and found out the rich were rich because they were good at what they did. Since then I’ve argued with many anti-globalizationists who still want to keep their iPods.

So now you know why I haven’t committed myself toward one party or the other — I can’t accept enough of what either tells me. Also, my faith probably has a great deal to do with my political beliefs and I suspect that, in this respect, I will be in good company on Bweinh!

Hopefully future articles will be easier to understand because of this exercise, and also a bit less dull. If not, give me a mulligan and we’ll start over fresh next time.

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