That’s Some Great Police Work

02/20/2009, 6:26 pm -- by | No Comments

Irish police officers have finally cracked the case of a Polish scofflaw with more than 50 tickets to his name. Seems the infamous Prawo Jazdy had given a different address every time he was stopped, and the authorities were at a total loss to stop his reckless driving — until the day they finally figured out that in Polish, Prawo Jazdy…

means…

…”driver’s license.”

True story.

Three Links (Vol. 19)

02/18/2009, 12:40 am -- by | No Comments

— I think this is my favorite AP article of all time. Fascinating, unbelievable, and informative. How did I not know about this before? How could any 17-year-old girl’s greatest wish be to visit a presidential museum? And the most burning question of all: do they have his beard under glass?

— What’s that? You’d like to see the ugliest website in the world?

— From the author of Moneyball, it’s a quick 9000 words on counterintuitive lessons of probability and efficiency in the sport most like life. The numbers became flesh, and dwelt among us — and Michael Lewis testifies of him: Shane Battier.

Bad Marketing

02/13/2009, 2:16 pm -- by | 2 Comments

I have seen two new businesses around town that have not inspired my confidence. Against all Odds Hair Salon is the first. I figure, what are the chances of getting a good haircut there?

The second is One Hour Heating & Air Conditioning.

“Hey, your guy was here and fixed our air conditioner. It worked for about an hour — and now it’s down again.”

“Yeah, so what’s the problem?”

Three Links (Vol. 18)

02/11/2009, 11:50 pm -- by | 2 Comments

— Welcome to This Is Why You’re Fat: a gastronomic gallimaufry of “food porn.” Close-up, glossy pictures of such delicacies as a Krispy Kreme sloppy joe, a deep-fried peanut butter-covered brownie wrapped in cookie dough, and the truly frightening “double bacon hamburger fatty melt.”

Right now the front page even includes Rochester’s claim to culinary fame: the aptly named but undeniably delicious “garbage plate.”

— And on that gluttonous note, this essay about shifting attitudes toward food and sex is perhaps the most interesting thing I’ve read all year. Mary Eberstadt argues that our society has developed distinctive and universalized moral hangups about food, at least in part due to its abandonment of such longstanding stigmas against indiscriminate sex.

It’s a little too cute to call this modern man’s “own act of transubstantiation,” but it’s a fascinating observation — and, as Eberstadt points out, both junk food and junk sex have undeniable consequences.

— But if all of this is too base and mundane for your ethereal mind, I’ve something for you too: a brief and surprisingly understandable lecture on the concept of physics’ string theory. As a theory, it’s quite likely nonsense. Sure is cool nonsense, though.

Big Lots (Part Three)

01/31/2009, 1:57 pm -- by | 3 Comments

More fun at Big Lots (see part one and part two).

Have you ever seen a lion look so bereft? This guy isn’t scaring anybody, unless you take into account the large chunks of paint he sheds. Come no farther — or I shall tempt your children with tasty flakes of lead!

On the plus side, it’s incredibly heavy, discouraging thieves who are really into that “unfinished modeling clay” look.

This is not a game
But a secret Chinese test:
Just how dumb are we?

I find it important to note — this is not a singing horse, as the packaging claims.

No. This is a singing, dancing decapitated head of a horse. And as such, what exactly does he have to dance about? They cut off his head and didn’t even remove the reins!

Oh, you were looking for drunken, cross-eyed gnomes, were you? Right this way!

Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 5

01/30/2009, 11:52 pm -- by | No Comments

A Cardinal rule
1947’s luck
Has more than run out

Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 4

01/30/2009, 4:36 pm -- by | No Comments

Big Ben strikes the hour
A loud and terrible sound
Kurt pockets the ring!

Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 3

01/30/2009, 2:22 pm -- by | No Comments

If the Jets beat you
by scoring eight (8!) touchdowns,
you stink: Pitt blowout.

Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 2.1

01/30/2009, 2:11 pm -- by | No Comments

True win? Budweiser
Trumping Bud Light once again
It is destiny.

Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 2

01/30/2009, 2:09 pm -- by | No Comments

As Obama won
So too will his prediction
Steelers, not Card’nals

Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 1

01/30/2009, 2:07 pm -- by | No Comments

Mediocre game
Very good food, however
Chicken wings galore!

Big Lots (Part Two)

01/30/2009, 9:00 am -- by | No Comments

More fun at Big Lots (see part one).

How ’bout this clearance aisle, huh? These products were apparently priced to move chaotically, without warning, evading all attempts at organization!

Kind of takes all the fun out of having an Easter pet, doesn’t it? I mean, they know this isn’t a real animal, don’t they? It’s not going anywhere unless you move it there, so why put it in a cage?

Do we really want to raise a generation of children who keep their stuffed animals in cages, sitting on their shelves, while they sit at their computers?

Also, what’s with the ponytailed duck on the tag?? This is a rabbit, isn’t it? What’s going on in China anyway?

This picture’s for Josh. Oh, it’s available in stores, my friend.


I can’t wait until spring — the time when kings go out to battle — when these two mighty empires will finally meet in the ultimate conflict!

Robots! Monsters! The six-sided ring of fire! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Big Lots (Part One)

01/29/2009, 7:51 pm -- by | No Comments

Ever been to Big Lots? It’s the Aldi (“like a rummage sale for food”) of department stores: messily stacked aisles filled to the brim with whatever Chinese imports haven’t exactly been flying off the shelves at Walmart.

I went there recently. For you.

Well, at least they’ve got the truth in advertising thing down — although is it just me, or does the picture on the outside not accurately reflect the doll on the inside? All they have in common is that vacant, bovine stare, like someone’s been spiking the formula with Valium.

And what does this ‘babbling kid’ (why not alliterate to ‘babbling baby’??) say anyway? I imagine some harsh words for whoever plucked his eyebrows and dressed him in white-collared overalls.

Because no sentiment goes better with “I love you” like “Now with trout and bass!”

Honey, happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s a two-dollar chocolate fish, to let you know that I won’t throw you back until your painful asphyxiation is complete!

Wait, where are you going?

Right… The problem with Barbies has always been difficulty.

I just like how this says “A game for 2-3 players with fun.” They must not have liked how the focus group responded to the funless version.

Let’s spice up this fishing game, McIntosh! What do you say, we add a little…fun?

Can you spot the fun in the picture though? I think it’s represented by the blurred action chomp shot.

Bumper Stickers III

01/27/2009, 12:00 am -- by | No Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Driving around…
 
  Summary: Peace through . . . alien invasion?
 
In Other Words: I give up, ET! Do your worst! Please — take my ’99 Honda Civic!
 
Designed For: People who still think an alien head logo looks cool. People who still think a peace sign is trendy. People who like to get their surrendering out of the way super early.

 
  What Now?: The SUV didn’t seem higher than normal…
 
Leading Me to Wonder: Eyebrows, face, chest, or backside?
 
And If I Had a Nickel: For every time I’d asked that…
 
  Oh Good!: Snarky, unnecessarily combative bumper stickers are no longer the sole province of the left! We’re saved!
 
One-Sentence Summary: Please deface my station wagon!
 
Dirty Looks Per Drive: 25 (city), 35 (highway)
 
No, Susie, Don’t Be Silly: That nice man is just telling Mommy she’s number one!

 

Acts Band Name Playoffs!

01/22/2009, 10:00 am -- by | No Comments

Here’s the first round in the Acts band name playoffs!

Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results


Which band name is the best?
View Results

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