Bumper Stickers III

01/27/2009, 12:00 am -- by | No Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Driving around…
 
  Summary: Peace through . . . alien invasion?
 
In Other Words: I give up, ET! Do your worst! Please — take my ’99 Honda Civic!
 
Designed For: People who still think an alien head logo looks cool. People who still think a peace sign is trendy. People who like to get their surrendering out of the way super early.

 
  What Now?: The SUV didn’t seem higher than normal…
 
Leading Me to Wonder: Eyebrows, face, chest, or backside?
 
And If I Had a Nickel: For every time I’d asked that…
 
  Oh Good!: Snarky, unnecessarily combative bumper stickers are no longer the sole province of the left! We’re saved!
 
One-Sentence Summary: Please deface my station wagon!
 
Dirty Looks Per Drive: 25 (city), 35 (highway)
 
No, Susie, Don’t Be Silly: That nice man is just telling Mommy she’s number one!

 

The Year in Review (Part Two)

12/12/2008, 12:00 pm -- by | 2 Comments

Read part one here!

April:
In politics, one of the largest April Fool’s Day hoaxes in history is pulled off, when an American negotiator suggests beginning a trial placement of Patriot missiles in Poland, then ships a half-dozen missiles with instructions to place them in a corner of each round silo. Chaos ensues as teams work around the clock for several days to accomplish the impossible. President Bush later apologizes, admitting privately that he completely understood the confusion.

In other news, the international space station was rocked by a gust of wind from Earth after Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn is found to be pregnant, and the entire population of the United States screams, “SHE HAS A SISTER?!?!?”

In more entertainment news, world-renowned artist Robert Indiana, famous for his LOVE sculpture that first appeared in 1966, returned to the public eye. His original sculpture — described at the time as groundbreaking — consisted of the letter L, followed by an O canted to the right, standing over a VE. In April 2008 he followed up that success with a HOPE sculpture, consisting of an H, followed by an O canted to the right, standing over the letters PE.

It only took him 22 years to come up with this brilliant follow-up. I hope he had a part-time job or something. Meanwhile, “Hannah Montana” caused a stir when she appeared in a photo shoot, wearing only a blanket, canted to the right, standing over nothing at all.

In the world of sports, the NHL playoffs got underway; the Philadelphia Flyers beat Washington in the first round on the strength of Danny Brière’s offense and the stellar goaltending of Marty Biron. Go Flyers!

May:
The Presidential primaries continued to drag on, and Barack Obama\’s campaign took another hit when his pastor, Jeremiah Wright, released a new book: The Racially Tinged Rantings of Jabez. Obama vowed to stick by him. Only a few days later, however, Pastor Wright referred to Obama as a “politician” in a TV interview, causing Obama to denounce him and completely disassociate himself from the church. Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania and lost North Carolina, but stayed in the race, claiming that she could “galvanize the white vote.”

In personal news, my family attends our nephew’s wedding in New York in a beautiful stone church built in the 1800s, with a reception at the historic Carriage House restaurant. It is a beautiful ceremony with the groom and all his groomsmen wearing tuxedos and flip-flops. For me, the highpoint was still when several of us discovered the letters on the sign outside the reception hall could be rearranged to read “Pirate Lion & Oxen Camp.” And they were.

In sports it was disclosed that Roger Clemens apparently carried on a decade-long affair with country singer Mindy McCready, starting when she was still in her teens. I detest this guy more and more every time I hear his name. Meanwhile, my beloved Flyers closed out their second-round series against the Montreal Canadiens on the strength of eight goals from forward R.J. Umberger. Every long-time fan knows what this means: Umberger will be the first player traded in the offseason.

Meanwhile, in the NBA, Carmelo Anthony was arrested for DUI and the Nuggets flamed out in their series against the Los Angeles Lakers. In baseball, the Yankees’ first season in a dozen years without Joe Torre at the helm began with a slump, while Torre’s new team, the Dodgers, stood five games over .500.

June:
Summer 2008 began with a nationwide scare reminiscent of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!, as people all over the country were sickened by salmonella poisoning purported to be from fast-food tomatoes. The outbreak was later traced to Mexican jalapeno peppers, but somehow Attack of the Killer Jalapenos! doesn\’t roll off the tongue as well, and never got the press coverage it rightly deserved.

Other than that, it was business as usual across the nation; gasoline climbed to over $4 per gallon, the big auto companies suffered devastating losses, the West Coast raged with wildfires, and the Midwest dealt with massive flooding again — all of which, of course, was President Bush\’s fault. Meanwhile, Obama captured enough delegates to claim victory in the Democratic primary, but Hilary Clinton refused to concede until a deal was worked out to include delegates from Michigan and Florida. Eventually, she still lost and had to go home — to Bill Clinton.

In entertainment news, the nation mourned the passing of Tim Russert and George Carlin. Carlin\’s death reminded me of one of his early routines, where he talked about what a great thing the two-minute warning is in football. He went on to say how nice it would be if life worked that way. In his fantasy, an angel would come down just before you die, blow a whistle, and give you two minutes to get everything right. I guess he knows now that it doesn\’t work that way. In sports, the Flyers were eliminated in the conference finals by Pittsburgh, who then lost to Detroit in the Stanley Cup finals. The Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship.

The Year In Review

12/5/2008, 4:00 pm -- by | No Comments

Note: Dave Barry again refused to write a year in review article for us, so I am once again filling in.

January:
The new year opened with a bang politically, as Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee opened their presidential primary campaigns with big wins in Iowa. Hillary Clinton climbed back into the race with a win in New Hampshire, based mainly on the strength of a tearful moment captured on camera and televised nationwide. Terrell Owens teared up after the Dallas Cowboys’ playoff loss and quickly became the favorite in the upcoming South Carolina primary. In international politics, Iran attempted to attack the US Navy in the Persian Gulf with five rowboats, providing an apt analogy for Ron Paul\’s assault on the Republican front-runners.

In entertainment news, Britney Spears dominated the headlines by suffering a breakdown, losing her children, and facing criticism from Dr. Phil, who told the nation, “She needs help.” She attempted a comeback in a much-panned live appearance at the Grammys. Not only was she fiercely criticized for her physical appearance, but she was further humiliated when a Sea World spokesman noted that much of her routine was eerily similar to their killer whale show. “Other than eating live fish and splashing the crowd, everything she did can be seen every day at the 10:20, 2:20, or 4:20 shows.”

In sports, the unsinkable Jose Canseco floated to the surface again with new charges against Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez, and Sen. Henry Waxman of California. The confusing charges involved an alleged Clemens appearance at a Canseco cookout, and a confirmed Clemens appearance at a congressional hearing — where he brought in his nanny, who later confirmed, under oath, that Waxman, chairman of the hearing, was in fact the ugliest man she had ever seen.

February:
In politics, the primary season was in full swing, and John McCain solidified his place at the head of the Republican pack, while Mitt Romney ducked out to allow the administration to focus on the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan. Huckabee vowed to stay in until the bitter end, running on a shoestring budget. Although the decision was initially praised, his campaign soon suffered bad press when, at a rally in Texas, a man holding a “We Need Change” sign turned out to be his budget director, panhandling for the campaign.

In entertainment news, the writers’ strike finally came to an end, and no one noticed the difference.

In sports news, baseball’s spring training began, with 63-year-old Roger Clemens bench-pressing a Greyhound bus while denying that he ever took any performance-enhancing substances. In football, Eli Manning led the New York Giants to a Super Bowl win, marking the first time in league history that back-to-back Super Bowls were won by goofy-looking guys with big ears.

March:
In the world of politics, Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York was caught by a wiretap (which he approved) ordering and consorting with prostitutes. It is reported that he spent more than $80,000 on the service, suggesting “multiple occurrences.” If not, the sum would certainly explain his trouble balancing the state’s budget. He was immediately replaced by the lieutenant governor, who is legally blind — explaining why he made such a good sidekick for Spitzer in the first place.

In a further sign of Russia\’s rapid democratization, Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared at a press conference wearing a sock puppet named “Winky,” and nominated him to replace Putin as president. The sock puppet accepted (while Putin drank a glass of water, spilling much of it on his shirt) under one condition: that Putin assume the title of prime minister. Winky was then shifted to Putin\’s right hand, where he quickly signed a bill giving the prime minister all powers formerly assigned to the president.

In election news, Hilary Clinton angered Barack Obama by offering him a part-time job stuffing envelopes for her campaign, though she still trailed him in the delegate count. She quickly changed the offer to the role of vice-president, however, calling it the “dream ticket.” Obama quickly told her to dream on. Meanwhile, Obama\’s campaign took a hit when his pastor released a series of motivational videos, including: “Death to White America,” “The Nation You\’ve Always Hated in Flames in 15 Days,” and “Your Best Revolution Now.”

In sports, the baseball season opened with games between Boston and Oakland in Japan. The series nearly ended in disaster when David Ortiz visited a beach and became the center of Greenpeace protests over whether he should be left alone or returned to sea. In the entertainment world, Al Gore admitted that he was originally cast in the title role for Brokeback Mountain. The deal fell through when he could not lose weight fast enough to meet production schedules, leaving the role of the mountain for America’s sweetheart, William Shatner.

Best of Bweinh! — The Pope v. Billy Graham

12/2/2008, 12:00 am -- by | No Comments

Originally printed in April 2007, here’s a true interfaith dialogue!

In this corner, supporting Pope Benedict, is Mike J!

And in this corner, backing Billy Graham, is Job!

Sit down, Billy. The Holy Father is about to educate your behind.

Seriously, let’s think about this, people. In one corner, you have a backwoods preacher from the American South. Quite a dandy in his early days, Billy donned the white bucks and powder blue sportcoats for Youth for Christ rallies as far back as the 1940s. Two whole generations of evangelical women cursed Ruth Bell under their breath for shattering their dreams and taking Billy off the market.

Even today, women admire him and men want to be him; pianists want to play for him, and even Michael W. Smith and dcTalk knew they had hit the big time when Billy Graham asked them to play for a “youth night” in a late ’90s California crusade.

All of this makes Graham a beloved figure, a bona-fide American religious folk hero.

It does not make for a worthy battle.

Because in the other corner, resplendent in papal garb, his robes billowing proudly behind him, his miter defiantly piercing the sky, is Pope Benedict XVI, born Joseph Alois Ratzinger.

He’s not a folk hero. He’s a junkyard dog.

He was known universally as the Vatican’s “doctrinal watchdog” prior to his selection as the 265th pope of the Catholic Church. And as if his international reputation were not enough, the Catholics that knew him best, the ones from his native Germany, referred to him as Der Panzer Kardinal — “the Tank Cardinal.” Why? Because he’s such a ruthless defender of the faith.

But you don’t have to take my word for it! Ask the late Father Jacques Dupuis (if you could), or Sri Lankan theologian Tissa Balasuriya. The former had the temerity to suggest that God was active in non-Christian religious traditions, the latter the unmitigated gall to refuse to sign a Vatican-approved statement of faith. Dupuis wound up trashed in a document Ratzinger wrote; Balasuriya was excommunicated, before the ever-gentlemanly Pope John Paul II restored him to the church.

You can mess with a guy named Billy. You cannot mess with a Ratzinger. You wind up trashed, excommunicated…or worse.

The man’s first papal encyclical was entitled Deus Caritas Est — “God is love.” Notably absent was any statement of Benedict’s own feelings. The obvious message: God is love, and Benedict ain’t.

The man is a flat-out papal bull.

The very notion that Pope Benedict could somehow best Billy Graham is so ludicrous I almost asked to be recused. No chance in heaven! Benny’s only advantage is that if he gouged Graham’s eyes or hit below the belt, he could absolve himself on the spot while the Rev. filed all that messy Grace paperwork.

But I still don’t see it. Graham didn’t win prominence by an ancient tradition of selection by peers; he received it by the eons-old tradition of selection by God. And Graham’s a natural fighter; whether Nixon or Parkinson’s, he handles his problems personally with sleeves rolled up and pride rolled down. So l’approvazione, papa, lo porta! Let’s go to the arena floor…

In this corner, at a holy 210 — the man who put “I can” in Vatican, the Stonin’ Roman…Germany’s own Joseph A. Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI!!!

And in this corner, weighing in at a lanky 205 — The Master Pastor, The Great Wheaton Beatin’…Charlotte’s own Rev. William F. Graham, Jr.!!!

*ding ding ding*

“Look at Graham charge from his corner! I haven’t seen anything like this since Joel Osteen fought the Dalai Lama in that New Delhi kick-boxing match last June! The Pope is on the ropes, medallions flying everywhere!!”

“Bob, this is tough to watch. I think Ratzinger forgot to drink his holy water, and he’s gonna need a miracle.”

“Graham continues his crusade! An uppercut to the the Father’s midsection and a roundhouse to the nose!!!”

“Bob, it appears the Rev. is nailing all 95 theses to Ratzinger’s chin tonight! I’ll bet the Pope wishes he were still a Cardinal so he could fly far, far away!”

“Good call, Gary. Ooh, a stiff right hook from Graham, and the Pope falls to his knees in exhaustion — or is it prayer to Joseph? Patron saint of lost causes?!”

“Pope Benedict XV felt that one!”

“Hold the chariot, Gary, the Pontiff is up and he’s going after Graham with fury in his eyes!!! The Catholics here are yelling ‘inquisition, inquisition,’ as Benedict rains blow after blow on Graham’s head and body.”

“Wow, Bob! Nothing apocryphal about that last punch! But it’s amazing how Graham’s hair stays right in place!”

“Is that LA Looks he’s got in there?”

“If I gambled, I’d go with Dep, Bob.”

“Golly Gee! Now the Protestants are up as Graham delivers punishing blows to the caretaker Pope!! Everyone’s a Calvinist tonight; this is pure destiny!! The Pope is down for the count!!!!”

*ding ding ding*

“And it’s over — Graham by knockout!”

Which side are you on?
View Results

The Second Thanksgiving

11/25/2008, 10:30 am -- by | No Comments

So much has been written about the First Thanksgiving in 1621 that the follow-up celebration in 1622 has been all but forgotten, by historians and citizens alike. At this time of year, I think it would be helpful to look back at that second celebration, to glean what we can from the complex Pilgrim-Indian interplay that helped found this great institution.

Everyone knows that Thanksgiving originated with the feast held in the autumn of 1621 by the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag to celebrate the colony’s first successful harvest. It was well-attended by over 90 Wampanoag braves, the great Indian king Massasoit, and his daughter, Princess Pocahontas, who had recently married Cpt. John Smith, precipitating her invitation by Gov. Miles Standish.

The second year was a little different. To begin with, when John Smith informed Pocahontas of the upcoming celebration — and the expected attendance of her relatives — he was rebuffed by her argument that they had “spent every Thanksgiving with his people,” so this year they would spend it with her parents in the Wampanoag encampment. Miles Standish was informed of the change, and after much discussion, he decided that the colonists would make the trek to the Wampanoag Casino Resort Hotel (located near present-day Piscataway, New Jersey) and celebrate by partaking in ancient American rituals including blackjack, roulette and three-card Monte.

Although many colonists were skeptical, they soon took to the ceremonial tents with fervor. Especially intriguing were the “One-Armed Totems,” which allowed a user to deposit a small coin for a chance to receive a small measure of parched corn; the amount varied depending on the alignment of certain mystical figures that spun on three sticks. The bar, the cherry, and the lemon, among other powerful symbols, could produce anywhere from 5 to 500 kernels of corn on a single turn. Many colonists soon found that a simple sack of coins could win them several pockets full of meal. Consider that the “All-You Can-Eat Buffet” was complimentary for anyone who spent the equivalent of five gold sovereigns, and you can see why this should have been the ideal celebration.

But, as everyone knows, the original celebration was three days long, and that’s where the real trouble started. On day two of the second feast, while some of the men were still deeply engaged in ritual wagering, some others had assembled on a green to watch the Redskins play the Pilgrims in a friendly game of touch football (this game, of course, took place before the Pilgrims moved to Dallas and became the Cowboys under Tom Landry). Many female colonists — including Pocahontas — rebelled, announcing that they would not spend the first shopping day of the Christmas season watching football. The women stormed off, in search of a mall rumored to be under development by the Massapequa Indian tribe to the north.

In the fourth quarter, with the Redskins trailing by 2 points, the Pilgrims were expecting an upset. They appeared to hold the home team to a three-and-out with under three minutes remaining, but the Redskins elected to go for it on fourth down. The ensuing play-action pass resulted in an incompletion to the left side, but an Iroquois official threw a late flag and whistled pass interference on the Pilgrims. This put the Indians in field goal range and they nailed a 43-yard kick to win the game.

Needless to say, the colonists were not happy. They had lost their money to the gaming tables, their wives to the mall, and now a shot at the playoffs to what was obviously a “homer job” by a biased official. So that, my friends, is why there was no third Thanksgiving celebration with the Native Americans — and why today we still celebrate separately.

Suggested Norse Oaths

11/17/2008, 1:06 am -- by | No Comments

Why should the Christian Trinity get all the work in the curse department? Let’s put the Norse gods to work with some of these exclamations.

By Freyja’s cat-drawn chariot!
Holy Odin on a pogo stick! (Hat tip: Djere)
Oh, Frigg!
Sweet goats of Thor!
Mighty Mother Nerpus!
Hang a shaman!
Kvasir, gods’ spit!
Naughty Nanna’s consort!
Aw, Hel!
Sniveling Snotra!
Valknut petroglyphs!

Today’s Economic Forecast

11/10/2008, 12:00 pm -- by | 1 Comment

More bad news out of the financial sector today, as Goldman Sachs reported that although orders of durable goods were up 3% over the last quarter, those orders, due to a filing error, were placed in a back room under a bag containing Pork Belly Futures — ruining the orders and causing a downturn in the short-term manufacturing market.

This news was especially troubling on the heels of an announcement that Sweet Light Crude Oil had risen $8.75 per barrel to close at $182.50 for spring delivery. Medium, Dark and Extra-Roast Sweet Crude have fallen in late trading today while Mocha Latte No-Foam Skinny-Boy Crude remained steady at $167 per barrel.

In other Wall Street news, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke found himself in an uncomfortable position today, when he announced another ¼ point drop in the Fed’s major interest rate today, only to have reporters point out that the rate was at 3.25% in February and has been cut a total of 8.75 points since. An embarrassed Bernanke admitted that since the rate is used to determine the interest banks charge each other, and no bank is currently “stupid enough” to loan money to another bank, the rate is “at best, a theoretical exercise.”

When pressed to identify the actual status of the rate, Bernanke said, in effect, that since the average person in America has no idea what the heck happens on Wall Street, he simply makes sporadic announcements in the hope that they will somehow stimulate the economy.

Finally, Alan Greenspan appeared before Congress today and admitted that his policies over the past two decades were fatally flawed in ways that he is just now realizing.

“We thought that banks would police themselves when it came to subprime lending practices,” Greenspan said. “We never dreamed they would bow to federal regulations that required them to make bad loans, in bad neighborhoods, to people with no visible means to repay the debts.”

When asked about the wisdom of assuming that people could buy a house with no money down and no regular paycheck, then somehow pay the money back in a timely fashion, he quoted a line from the classic sitcom WKRP in Cincinnati: “As God is my witness — I thought turkeys could fly!”

Obama Cancels Winter

11/5/2008, 9:33 am -- by | 2 Comments

–CHICAGO, Ill.

“Winter,” a cold and lonely season of death that has plagued America for over 230 years, was outlawed yesterday, in the first official act of president-elect Barack Obama’s reign.

“And to those who still doubt that we have the power to turn back the icy hand of Jack Frost, to free this nation from the shackles of snow and ice and all manner of winter weather, to frolic together on the beaches of Lake Michigan at 10 pm on a balmy Christmas Eve — I say to you: yes! We! Can!” Obama told a crowd in Chicago’s Grant Park, formerly a scenic Christmas landmark.

As a result, all over the nation today, Americans awoke to discover bright sunshine and unseasonably warm temperatures, enlivening what was once simply another Wednesday in early November. Even the fierce and wintry town of Detroit, Mich. was not immune to the order; surprisingly comfortable breezes there were credited for a nearly 400% increase in the overnight murder rate.

“I knew we could do this,” said Toni Rogers, a bikini-clad administrative assistant from Springfield, Massachusetts. “Nonstop summer is change I can believe in! Next step: finding a way to make rainbows without all that rain.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s Barack Obama.”

“Old Man Winter,” the anthropomorphized mascot of the season, has reportedly been sent to a secure facility in Guantanamo Bay, where he is being treated as an enemy combatant and hot-waterboarded.

Obama noted that the ban on winter would not apply in Alaska.

“Crap” Reaches Christian Expletive Hall of Acceptance

10/22/2008, 10:30 am -- by | 4 Comments

–ATLANTA, Ga.

Angry and frustrated Christians can curse easier today as “crap,” long considered vulgar and sinful, was elected to the religion’s Expletive Hall of Acceptance.

“This is a big day for ‘crap’ and the Christians who can now feel free to use it to express even their most righteous anger,” said Rev. Jerry Johnson, expletive voter from the Southern Baptist Convention and longtime supporter of the punchy euphemism for defecation. “I for one look forward to hearing what the Bishop T.D. Jakes can do with this now-fully sanctified word.”

With the vote, “crap” joins “dang,” “heck,” “good grief,” and the still-controversial “gosh-darn” as first-ballot selections to the Hall. Not only does the decision pave the way for “crap” to be used with impunity in bulletin inserts, at church potlucks, and on the covers of countless shallow, doctrinally unsound books, but it also retroactively negates an estimated 350,000 threats of the use of soap in the mouths of impudent youngsters.

“The voters clearly realized that ‘crap’ is a true triple threat,” said George Ito, linguistics professor at Wheaton College. “The word combines the powerful release of a plosive consonant with the naughty tinge that comes from its mild vulgar meaning, and — most importantly to evangelicals — it has the benefit of not actually being, uh, the ‘s-word.’ You can’t get away with using that one unless you’re that darn Tony Campolo!”

“Golly, he’s a loose cannon,” Ito added.

The Hall was created in 1954 for two purposes: to recognize and honor those offensive words which had become so common that Christians gave up trying to avoid them, and to provide a convenient way to judge one another based on their words. “Before the Hall, it was anybody’s guess which words were okay; I didn’t know who should get a sneer and who should get a hug,” said Johnson’s wife, Mabel Lou. “The Hall just makes this judgment crap so damn convenient.”

“What? That one’s not okay yet? Oh dear me.”

“The difference between ‘shucks’ and ‘sucks’ may be just one letter, but it might just mean everything eternally,” added Rev. Jerry. “At least until next year, when we look at ‘sucks’ again. I think it’s got a pretty good shot actually.”

The Johnsons also noted that the vote on “crap” does not extend to the phrase “holy crap,” which is still “very, very wrong.”

In related news, “freaking” was denied acceptance yet again in this, its 20th and final year of eligibility.

Best of Job: For Mr. Slevenzinkin…

08/11/2008, 10:00 am -- by | No Comments

Originally published here on March 27, 2007.

She and I had this game we’d play, you see. We called it “Tumult,” where we’d talk for lengthy periods of time about two different topics. It was a give-and-take conversation with pauses and eye contact as normal; you just weren’t allowed to engage the other person’s line of conversation at all. This included laughter, eye rolling, and — if I was “on” — even blushing. If you did engage the other person, you lost the game, and the $2.85 for the banana split. Banana

“So Ernie, from Sesame Street, died of AIDS,” she’d begin, turning her coffee mug in a slow circle. “Bert’s sad and all, but he likes the extra closet space.”

“It was like no other town I’ve been to,” I’d respond, flashing my eyes for emphasis and picking at imaginary lint on my sleeve. “The ’57 Chevys looked, for once, like they actually were from 1957. Rusted through, door hinges re-welded countless times, but still dutifully making their daily trips to the Circle K for cigarettes. The 15-year-old girls ever plotting their escape while unwittingly taking the steps that would inexorably keep them there forever. 40 ounces. 40 ounces can change a life, they say in Banning, California. Or, rather, can keep it exactly the same.”

“Gum?,” she offered, sliding the silver-wrapped piece out at me in a fluid motion. I was no fool.

“The President has his own movie theater in the basement of the White House, ya know? I bet he’s watching something right now, too; I know I would be. Newsies — the director’s cut.”

She paused, but not enough for me to claim. She always defended Newsies.

“Radiohead’s new album? I hear it’s just going to be 12 tracks of straight static. But angry, artistic static.”

I was the one that paused this time, but only because I contemplated claiming victory. I always defended Radiohead, and she was returning my volley, a plausible bungle. Not now, I cautioned myself. You can get a sure victory.

“See this?,” I asked, pointing to my forearm. “That’s where it bit me. Latched right on and started to roll, carrying me down into the dark depths of the swamp. I screamed and screamed, but still we sank, leaving my world for his — wanna know how I got out?”

“If something ever happens to me,” she responded, thoroughly unimpressed, “I want you to take this to a Mr. Slevenzinkin in Prague. Hotel of the Revolution, room 214.” She slid me a butter knife. “He’ll know what to do. Then head to Haiti and never look back.”

“Job? Never look back.”

She peeled the bananas by saying my name like that, looking me in the eyes. I knew I had to strike before she regrouped.

“That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing . . . does it come in your size?”

 

—–

Laughing, eye-rolling, blushing and kicking me suddenly in the shins — all ice cream where I come from…

Girl Dumps Boyfriend To ‘Get Closer To God'; ‘God’ Apparently Another Guy

06/24/2008, 9:00 pm -- by | No Comments

–GROVE CITY, Penn.

B.J. Dillon’s romantic and theological worlds were rocked this week when his girlfriend of 8 months, Sara Ryan, ended their relationship after telling Dillon she needed to “focus on her relationship with God.”

But God, Dillon reports, debunking thousands of years of theory and faith, is apparently fellow Grove City junior business major Seth Nelson. Adding to the bruising emotional effects of rejection and loss, the religion major must now cope with recent revelations that God is younger than him by two months, nearly flunked biology last semester, and works at the gym snack shop.

Dillon is also grappling with the fact that he has hated God since freshman orientation weekend.

“When Sara suggested that we take some time off to grow closer to the Lord, I heartily agreed, hoping it would serve to more firmly establish our relationship,” Dillon reported from his dimly-lit dorm room. “Of course at the time I thought God was, like, the desert-dwelling, Philistine-smiting Dude from the Old Testament — not some jerk whose parents bought him a brand new Jetta freshman year.”

“Allow me to be clear,” he added. “I will not be growing any closer to ‘God’ during our ‘time off.’ ”

Despite Dillon’s reservations and religious confusion, his ex reported excitement with her blooming relationship with the Lord. “I will always care for Beej,” Ryan noted, applying her makeup with more attention to detail than she has shown in over 7 months. “But I felt our relationship was distracting me from my walks, in the woods, with the Lord.”

Ryan did report some anxiety about an upcoming weekend retreat at the Nelson family home in suburban Philadelphia, where she hopes the Lord will grant her the gift of tongue.

Photoflash — Midwest Flooding

06/22/2008, 12:59 am -- by | No Comments

This just in… Residents living in a Midwestern flood plain continue to be baffled and disturbed by yearly flooding.Flood plain residents confused on source of flood.

Waxman In Trouble Again

04/11/2008, 10:00 am -- by | No Comments

Sen. Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) is in trouble again. You’ll recall that Waxman spent the last 18 months embroiled in an intellectual property lawsuit with New Line Cinema, who accused him of violating their trademark for the computer-generated King Kong image by wearing an identical mask on the floor of the Senate, terrifying visitors and amusing colleagues.

After months of legal wrangling and threats of financial penalty, it was determined Waxman was not indeed wearing a mask, and that any similarity between him and the mythical ape was purely coincidental. New Line apologized warily, but told Waxman off the record that they would be watching to see if his appearance changed down the road.

Now his colleagues are after him. After the televised baseball hearings, featuring Roger Clemens, put Waxman in the public eye for long periods of time, many senators were deluged with complaints from frightened members of their constituency.

Several have now sponsored a bill with wide bipartisan support, which would establish protocols for which senators would receive prominent coverage during televised hearings, based on standards of personal appearance. Although no one has specifically pointed to Sen. Waxman as the bill’s target, around the Senate, the bill has been unofficially dubbed the “Hideous Henry Act.”

“There should be a minimum level of attractiveness that we adhere to in our dealings with the public through mass communications,” said Fran Crouse (R-Iowa), chairman of the powerful Personal Beautification Standards committee. “We have not singled anyone out — obviously we would never do that — but there are, frankly, some politicians who should be heard and not seen.”

Best of Bweinh! — MySpace Clash

03/25/2008, 9:30 am -- by | No Comments

In this corner, arguing against MySpace, is Steve!

And in this corner, supporting MySpace, is LaKendra!

I was mildly coerced into getting a personal MySpace page and I regret the decision to this day.

It’s not that I think I’m too good for personal networking websites; I love the Facebook and I was using sites like the long-since-obsolete Quickdot when most of today’s MySpace users were still stuffing crayons up their noses and putting anything that wasn’t nailed down into their mouths.

What’s that? They still . . . Okay, that’s a bad example. But the fact remains I was annoying other people through telnet way back before many of you modern MySpacers were even born.

I just hate MySpace.

I hate its clunky, horrifying design, strips of blue flanking unreadable text links and unending advertisements for insurance, movies, and ladies’ underwear. I hate Tom.

I hate the terrible things people do to their own pages; I hate when someone’s lousy taste in music is automatically inflicted on me; I hate the uniformly awful attempts at changing the default layout.

I hate that I can spend an hour ranking my ‘top friends,’ and I hate the way (mostly) girls use their profile pictures to draw attention to all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.

And I hate, more than anything, how every time I go on the blasted site, I have to clear out solicitations from seminude women, advertisements for natural male enhancement, and spam comments full of broken images and Trojan horses.

As Job says, it’s YourSpace, honey child. Not Mine. And as I toss and turn my way to fitful sleep tonight, haunted by the constant fear that I might have missed the chance at a lower rate on my second mortgage, with every labored breath, I’ll wish I’d held out.

I pray you have the strength I did not.

Or, if you don’t, that you’ll at least add me and our band!

Hey Steve.

How’s it goin? I just moved to the NEW YORK,United States area and I wanna meet a nice guy around here :-). I moved here to NEW YORK,United States a couple of weeks ago for work and now that I’m here I have nobody to hang out with! I read your profile… You’re cute and I liked what you had to say :-).

DO you know whats on most girl’s minds but they won’t tell you or will they. I am telling you this because it is the honest truth, look I should know…

Anyway you won’t believe this. that day I just filled my zip and my address in a form. A few days later I got a Visa Gift Card worth $500,and was told it can be used at any store!!! It really worked when I trying to buy an iPod!! Cost me nothing! LOL….

**~PERSONAL questions~**
Do you think I’m a good person?

Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?

Would you let anything happen in that bed?

If you could change anything about me — would you?

Our lenders are ready to give you a loan! Approval process will take 1 minute!

Plus I’m just graduated college and I’m lookin for a guy who is a little bit older or more mature than me. You say you’re 27 and you’re cute so I guess you’re qualified :-)

if u don’t like out of the box thinkers that leave me alone!noo i’m just kidding really…lol..

And If you weren’t there FRIDAY NIGHT i lost that bet with ryan, so i made those SPECIALpictures available for ONE WEEK ONLY!! rember to stop by my webcam anytime!!

Whose side are you on?
View Results

1913 Ad of the Week — If I Were A Young Man…

03/24/2008, 2:00 am -- by | No Comments

This is the third in a series of real ads from the 1913 World Almanac…

 
What, Luther? What would you do??
 
What words of wisdom have you — the GREATEST LIVING HORTICULTURIST, inventor of 113 new types of plums alone — to impart to us, the youth of America?
 
Perhaps you were the first to think of making fuel from switch grass! Maybe you wish you’d spent a little less time on plums, and a little more time at the dog track! There’s even a chance you would have knocked off that pesky New Hampshire dentist for whom the California media capital was named, because you’re king of the Burbanks, Luther, and no one should forget it!!
 
A man like Dr. Luther Burbank surely has some wisdom to impart to us — right?
 

 
The “Pecan Nut”? Seriously?
 
Wow.
 
You can take a look at the whole ad here. My favorite part is where the pecan-hawking company claims the nut is “ten times more valuable to you than life insurance.” Yeah. That’s a good plan.
 
“Yeah, we had to sell the farm to bury Dad, but on the bright side, that sure was some great pie at the memorial service…”

Next Page »