Joke of the Day, 2/10/08

02/10/2009, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

A preacher concluded his service by saying, “Next Sunday I will preach on lies. In preparation for the sermon, I would like you to read the 17th chapter of Mark.”

The following Sunday, the preacher said, “Everyone who did as I requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands.” Almost every hand in the congregation went up.

The preacher continued. “You’re just the people I want to talk to! See, there is no 17th chapter in Mark.”

Joke of the Day, 1/27/09

01/27/2009, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Joke of the Day, 1/6/09

01/6/2009, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud, a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

“Nope,” replied the colonel, handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

Joke of the Day, 12/18/08

12/18/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

Jokes of the Day, 12/16/08

12/16/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don’t.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

“Waiter! Waiter! What’s this robot doing in my soup?”
“It looks like he’s performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain.”

—J.A. Boyd

Joke of the Day, 12/9/08

12/9/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. Every year Morris would say, “Esther, I\’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know, Morris, but it’s fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year they went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I\’m 85 years old. If I don\’t ride in that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “But Morris, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard and said, “Folks, I\’ll make you a deal. I\’ll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet the whole time, I won\’t charge you! But if you say a word, it\’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers and daredevil tricks, but not a word was heard from his passengers. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell, but you didn\’t. I\’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “To tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

Joke of the Day, 12/4/08

12/4/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Joke of the Day, 12/2/08

12/2/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?

No, neither did I.

Joke of the Day, 11/20/08

11/20/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

A woman went into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. “It’s for my husband,” she told the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!”

Joke of the Day, 11/18/08

11/18/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

Four high school boys skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to their teacher that they’d had a flat tire.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a quiz today, so take your seats and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down, then said, “First question: Which tire was flat?”

Quote-Joke Hybrid of the Day, 11/12/08

11/12/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

J. Montagu (Earl of Sandwich) — “Egad, sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”

J. Wilkes — “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

Joke of the Day, 11/6/08

11/6/2008, 7:00 am -- by | 1 Comment

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. I asked him, “Got any shoes you aren’t using?”

Joke of the Day, 10/30/08

10/30/2008, 7:00 am -- by | 1 Comment

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE

“Doctor, I have an earache.”

3000 BC — “Here, eat this root.”
1200 BC — “That root is for the heathens. Say this prayer.”
1820 AD — “That prayer is just superstition. Drink this potion.”
1930 AD — “That potion is only snake oil. Swallow this pill.”
1975 AD — “That pill is ineffective! Take this antibiotic.”
2008 AD — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Joke of the Day, 10/21/08

10/21/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

A young man had just started his own business. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting inside, he saw a man come into the lobby.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He shouted out huge figures and made giant commitments. After a few minutes, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said: “Sure. I’m here to install the phone!”

Joke of the Day, 10/17/08

10/17/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom!

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