Joke of the Day, 11/20/08

11/20/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A woman went into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. “It’s for my husband,” she told the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!”

Joke of the Day, 11/18/08

11/18/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

Four high school boys skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to their teacher that they’d had a flat tire.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a quiz today, so take your seats and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down, then said, “First question: Which tire was flat?”

Quote-Joke Hybrid of the Day, 11/12/08

11/12/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

J. Montagu (Earl of Sandwich) — “Egad, sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”

J. Wilkes — “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

Joke of the Day, 11/6/08

11/6/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | 1 Comment

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. I asked him, “Got any shoes you aren’t using?”

Joke of the Day, 10/30/08

10/30/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | 1 Comment

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE

“Doctor, I have an earache.”

3000 BC — “Here, eat this root.”
1200 BC — “That root is for the heathens. Say this prayer.”
1820 AD — “That prayer is just superstition. Drink this potion.”
1930 AD — “That potion is only snake oil. Swallow this pill.”
1975 AD — “That pill is ineffective! Take this antibiotic.”
2008 AD — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Joke of the Day, 10/21/08

10/21/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A young man had just started his own business. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting inside, he saw a man come into the lobby.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He shouted out huge figures and made giant commitments. After a few minutes, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said: “Sure. I’m here to install the phone!”

Joke of the Day, 10/17/08

10/17/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom!

Joke of the Day, 10/9/08

10/9/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life waiting for us to discover it.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Joke of the Day, 10/7/08

10/7/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A woman rushed in to see her doctor, looking very worried. She blurted out: “Doctor, look at me! When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair was all wiry and frazzled, my skin was wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugged out, and I had a deathly pallor to my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor took a look and calmly said: “Well, there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Joke of the Day, 10/2/08

10/2/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A woman got on a bus with her baby. The bus driver said, “Wow, that is the ugliest child I have ever seen!”

The woman went to the rear of the bus and sat down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “Head back up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey!”

Joke of the Day, 9/25/08

09/25/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

Why was astrology invented?

To make economics seem scientific.

Joke of the Day, 9/23/08

09/23/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | 1 Comment

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt’s name was Tiny.

“Why?” asked the bartender.

“Because he’s my newt!”

Joke of the Day, 9/18/08

09/18/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

An older man suffered from serious hearing problems for many years. Finally, the doctor fitted him for a set of hearing aids that restored his hearing completely. The man returned after a month, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be thrilled!”

The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told them yet — but I’ve changed my will five times!”