Joke of the Day, 2/10/08
A preacher concluded his service by saying, “Next Sunday I will preach on lies. In preparation for the sermon, I would like you to read the 17th chapter of Mark.”
The following Sunday, the preacher said, “Everyone who did as I requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands.” Almost every hand in the congregation went up.
The preacher continued. “You’re just the people I want to talk to! See, there is no 17th chapter in Mark.”
Joke of the Day, 1/27/09
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Joke of the Day, 1/6/09
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud, a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, handing him the keys. “Yours is.”
Joke of the Day, 12/18/08
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
Jokes of the Day, 12/16/08
How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don’t.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.
“Waiter! Waiter! What’s this robot doing in my soup?”
“It looks like he’s performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain.”
Joke of the Day, 12/9/08
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. Every year Morris would say, “Esther, I\’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Esther always replied, “I know, Morris, but it’s fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year they went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I\’m 85 years old. If I don\’t ride in that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “But Morris, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard and said, “Folks, I\’ll make you a deal. I\’ll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet the whole time, I won\’t charge you! But if you say a word, it\’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers and daredevil tricks, but not a word was heard from his passengers. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell, but you didn\’t. I\’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “To tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
Joke of the Day, 12/4/08
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Joke of the Day, 12/2/08
Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
No, neither did I.
Joke of the Day, 11/20/08
A woman went into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. “It’s for my husband,” she told the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!”
Joke of the Day, 11/18/08
Four high school boys skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to their teacher that they’d had a flat tire.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a quiz today, so take your seats and take out a piece of paper.”
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down, then said, “First question: Which tire was flat?”
Quote-Joke Hybrid of the Day, 11/12/08
J. Montagu (Earl of Sandwich) — “Egad, sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”
J. Wilkes — “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
Joke of the Day, 11/6/08
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. I asked him, “Got any shoes you aren’t using?”
Joke of the Day, 10/30/08
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
“Doctor, I have an earache.”
3000 BC — “Here, eat this root.”
1200 BC — “That root is for the heathens. Say this prayer.”
1820 AD — “That prayer is just superstition. Drink this potion.”
1930 AD — “That potion is only snake oil. Swallow this pill.”
1975 AD — “That pill is ineffective! Take this antibiotic.”
2008 AD — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
Joke of the Day, 10/21/08
A young man had just started his own business. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting inside, he saw a man come into the lobby.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He shouted out huge figures and made giant commitments. After a few minutes, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said: “Sure. I’m here to install the phone!”
Joke of the Day, 10/17/08
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom!
Joke of the Day, 10/9/08
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life waiting for us to discover it.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Joke of the Day, 10/7/08
A woman rushed in to see her doctor, looking very worried. She blurted out: “Doctor, look at me! When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair was all wiry and frazzled, my skin was wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugged out, and I had a deathly pallor to my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor took a look and calmly said: “Well, there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Joke of the Day, 10/2/08
A woman got on a bus with her baby. The bus driver said, “Wow, that is the ugliest child I have ever seen!”
The woman went to the rear of the bus and sat down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “Head back up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey!”
Joke of the Day, 9/25/08
Why was astrology invented?
To make economics seem scientific.
Joke of the Day, 9/23/08
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt’s name was Tiny.
“Why?” asked the bartender.
“Because he’s my newt!”
Joke of the Day, 9/18/08
An older man suffered from serious hearing problems for many years. Finally, the doctor fitted him for a set of hearing aids that restored his hearing completely. The man returned after a month, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be thrilled!”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told them yet — but I’ve changed my will five times!”
Joke of the Day, 9/16/08
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!
Joke of the Day, 9/12/08
Did you hear about the blonde couple who froze to death at the drive-in? They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Joke of the Day, 9/9/08
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his accountant and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom, and the preacher motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Finally, the lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”
Joke of the Day, 9/5/08
Why did the lemon stop crossing the road?
He ran out of juice.
Joke of the Day, 9/3/08
What do you call 45 guys watching the Super Bowl on TV?
The Washington Redskins.
Joke of the Day, 8/28/08
How do you know a singer is at your front door?
Can’t find the key; doesn’t know when to come in.
Joke of the Day, 8/26/08
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A-flat minor.
Joke of the Day, 8/21/08
Why can’t you tell knock-knock jokes to blondes?
They leave to answer the door.
Joke of the Day, 8/19/08
A pig walked into a bar, ordered 15 beers, and drank them. The bartender asked, “Now would you like to know where the bathroom is?”
“No,” answered the pig. “I’m the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
Joke of the Day, 8/14/08
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
Joke of the Day, 8/12/08
A cop pulled a guy over one night and said, “Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer.”
“I can’t do that,” he said. “I’m an asthmatic and it’ll give me an asthma attack.”
“Okay, then you need to come down to the station and have some blood drawn.”
“Nah, I can’t do that either; I’m a hemophiliac and I’d bleed to death.”
“Then I need a urine sample.”
“Well, I’m a diabetic, so my sugar would get really low and that’s dangerous.”
“Okay — then you need to step out of the car and walk down this white line.”
“I can’t do that either,” the man said.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
Joke of the Day, 8/7/08
A man named Bob decided to move out to the country and become a chicken farmer. So he bought a chicken farm, next door to another chicken farm, owned by a generous man named Fred.
Fred visited Bob one day and said, “Chicken farming ain\’t easy. Tell you what: to help you get started, I\’ll give you 100 chickens.”
Bob was thrilled. But two weeks later, Fred stopped by to see how things were going, and Bob said, “Not so good. All 100 chickens died.”
Fred said, “Oh, no! I\’ll give you 100 more.”
Another two weeks went by, and Fred stopped in again. Bob told him, “You\’re not going to believe this, but those chickens died too.”
Astounded, Fred asked, “What went wrong?”
“Well, I\’m just not sure if I\’m planting them too deep, or not far apart enough.”
Joke of the Day, 8/5/08
The human cannonball decided to retire. The circus owner said, “But you can’t! Where will I find another man of your caliber?”
Joke of the Day, 7/31/08
Why can’t gorillas play the trumpet?
They’re too sensitive.
Joke of the Day, 7/29/08
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
15. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink until the room spins.
Joke of the Day, 7/25/08
“I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon, but I want to stay alive.” — Madonna
Joke of the Day, 7/23/08
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
Joke of the Day, 7/21/08
A van filled with politicians was headed down a country road when it careered out of control and crashed into a tree. A farmer plowing his field saw the accident and came over to investigate.
Three days later, the sheriff came by, saw what was left of the van, and asked the farmer what had happened to the politicians. “I buried them,” he replied.
“They were all dead?”
“Well, some of ’em said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Joke of the Day, 7/17/08
How many members of the Obama household does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What light bulbs? The house is illumined by the light of his countenance.
Joke of the Day, 7/15/08
A man was sprawled across three seats in a theater. The usher noticed and whispered, “Sorry, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned, but didn’t budge.
The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned. Infuriated, the usher turned and marched briskly up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both returned and stood over the man. When the manager also could not get the man to move, they summoned a nearby police officer.
“All right, buddy,” the cop said. “What’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.
“The balcony.”
Joke of the Day, 7/11/08
Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
Joke of the Day, 7/9/08
Two men, Jed and Chuck, are sitting on the side of a highway. Jed turns to Chuck and says, “I know everybody.” Chuck shakes his head. “Everybody? I bet you don’t know Tom Cruise.” Jed shrugs. “I know Tom Cruise.”
So they drive to L.A. and find Tom Cruise’s mansion. They knock on the door, Tom Cruise answers, and he says, “Jed, my man! What is cookin’?” Chuck is stunned. As they walk away, Chuck asks, “Well, do you know the President?” Jed smiles. “Oh, I know the President.”
So they drive to D.C. and find the White House. They knock on the door, the President comes over, and he says, “Ol’ Jeddie! I’ve been thinkin’ about you lately! Let’s hang out!” At this point, Chuck is bewildered. After thinking for a while, he finally comes up with a man Jed wouldn’t know.
“Jed, you don’t know the Pope, do you?”
“Chuck, the Pope and I are bosom buddies. We go way back.”
So they fly to Rome and head into the Vatican City. While wandering around the square, they get separated, and Chuck hears a ruckus off to his left. He looks up and sees the Pope on his porch, with Jed at his right hand, holding his scepter. Both men are smiling widely and gesturing to the growing crowd.
Suddenly a man taps on Chuck’s shoulder. “Do you speak English?”
“Yes,” Chuck responds.
“Who’s that old guy up there with Jed?”
Joke of the Day, 7/7/08
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster — may I replace him?”
“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied. “The henhouse is around back.”
Joke of the Day, 7/2/08
What did the Mexican firefighter name his sons?
José and Hose B!
Joke of the Day, 6/30/08
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the service concluded.
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. “I went to get a haircut,” was his reply.
“Why didn’t you do that before the service started?”
“I didn’t need one then!”
Joke of the Day, 6/26/08
How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to eat the old bulb.
Joke of the Day, 6/24/08
A juggler was stopped by the police while driving to his next performance. “Why do you have all these knives?,” asked the officer.
“I juggle them in my act.”
“Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees it and says, “Wow, am I glad I quit drinking — look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Joke of the Day, 6/20/08
A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner. The woman at the checkout said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”
The man said, “Yeah, how did you guess?”
She said, “Because you’re ugly.”
Joke of the Day, 6/18/08
What’s the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground.
Joke of the Day, 6/16/08
What’s the difference between an accordion and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up an accordion.
Joke of the Day, 6/12/08
A man was feeling ill, so he went to his doctor and discovered he had an incurable disease. He pleaded with the doctor to find him a miracle cure, and after thinking a while, the doctor told him to go to a nearby spa and have a mud bath each day.
“Will this cure me, Doctor?”
“No, but it will get you used to dirt.”
Joke of the Day, 6/10/08
Descartes is at a bar, and at last call the bartender asks him if he wants another beer. “I think not,” he says. And he disappears!
Gollum Still In Search of Ring
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Joke of the Day, 6/5/08
What’s the difference between Yankee Stadium hot dogs and Camden Yards hot dogs?
You can buy Yankee Stadium hot dogs in October.
Joke of the Day, 6/3/08
“I saw two houseflies in the kitchen today. Both females.”
“How did you know?”
“They were on the phone.”
Joke of the Day, 5/30/08
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London. The waiter approached their table and said, “Excuse me, but if you order a steak, you might not get one, because there’s a shortage.”
The Texan said, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian said, “What a steak?”
And the New Yorker said, “What’s ‘Excuse me’?”
Joke of the Day, 5/28/08
A man walks into the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his forehead. The doctor said, “Let me give you some cream to put on that.”
Joke of the Day, 5/23/08
This man got a job with the highway department painting lines on the middle of the road. The supervisor told him he was expected to paint two miles of highway every day.
The first day, the man painted four miles, and the supervisor thought, “Great!” The next day, the man only painted two miles, but the supervisor thought, “That’s good enough.” The third day, the man only painted one mile. The boss said, “Is there a problem?”
And the man said, “Well, I’m getting farther and farther from the bucket!”
Joke of the Day, 5/21/08
Why is Christmas like a day in the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Joke of the Day, 5/19/08
An engineer walks into his boss’s office and sees him holding a tiny object up to the light. “What’s that?,” the engineer asks.
His boss says, “It looks like plastic but feels like rubber.”
The engineer asks to look at it, and rolls it around in his fingers. “This is interesting. It’s somewhat viscous, yet it remains solid at the same time — all-around, a very peculiar texture. Where did you get it?”
“My nose.”
Joke of the Day, 5/15/08
What’s the difference between a soprano and a Rottweiler?
Jewelry.
Joke of the Day, 5/13/08
Originally published May 11, 2007.
Three men were traveling through rural America when their car broke down; they sought shelter at a farmhouse.
The farmer had two spare beds in the room next to his daughter’s, but since he had heard all the stories he informed the men that one would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a polite Indian mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. But a short time later there was a knock on the door; the mathematician was there, apologetically explaining there were cows in the barn, and because of his Hindu convictions, he couldn’t sleep there.
A second man, a conservative rabbi, headed out, but in a few minutes there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he would also be quite uncomfortable there.
So the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn — but in a little while, there was a knock on the door. They answered, and there were the cows and the pig.
Joke of the Day, 5/9/08
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor asked him, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”
Joke of the Day, 5/7/08
What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family.
Joke of the Day, 5/5/08
What’s the difference between Northern zoos and Southern zoos?
The recipe on the outside of the cage.
Joke of the Day, 4/30/08
Joke of the Day, 4/28/08
A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. “What are all those clocks?,” he asked.
“Oh, those are lie clocks,” said St. Peter. “You see, every person has a lie clock, and every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”
“Wow,” the man said. “So whose clock is that up there?”
“That\’s Billy Graham\’s. The hands have only moved a few times, showing that he told only about 5 lies in his whole life.”
“Incredible!,” said the man. “Whose is that one?”
St. Peter answered, “Oh, that’s Abraham Lincoln\’s. The hands moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
The man thought to himself. “Where\’s Hillary Clinton\’s clock?”
“Oh — her clock stays in Jesus\’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”
Ron Paul Still In It For The Goosings
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Joke of the Day, 4/23/08
“I went out with twins last night, Bob.”
“Oh, yeah? Did you have a good time?”
“Yes and no…”
Joke of the Day, 4/18/07
What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
Joke of the Day, 4/16/08
A man walking along a country lane came across a shepherd and his huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he told the shepherd, “I’ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in your flock.”
The shepherd thought it over. It was a big flock, so he took the bet.
The man looked around and answered, “869.” The shepherd was astonished; he was exactly right.
The shepherd said, “Okay, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” The man picked one up and started to walk away.
“Wait,” cried the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing, I can guess your exact occupation.” The man agreed. “You’re a government accountant,” said the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responded the man. “Exactly right! How did you deduce that?”
“Well,” said the shepherd, “Put down my dog and I’ll tell you.”
Joke of the Day, 4/14/08
Struggling to make ends meet, the new pastor was stunned when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this?!”
“I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then suddenly I found myself trying it on,” she explained. “It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, ‘You look great in that dress. Buy it!’ ”
“Well,” the pastor replied, “You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ ”
“I tried that!,” his wife replied. “And then he said, ‘You look fabulous from back here, too!’ ”
Dalmatian Not Enjoying Rave
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Joke of the Day, 4/8/08
A well-dressed businessman walked into a bar.
“What can I get you?,” asked the bartender. “A glass of 20-year-old Scotch,” he answered. The bartender brought him the drink, but after a sip, the man spat it out. “This is 13-year-old Scotch! How dare you insult me with inferior Scotch?!”
The bartender apologized, explaining that the bar didn’t have any 20-year-old Scotch, and he had thought the man wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. “Well, then, bring me some 15-year-old bourbon,” the man replied, but when he had a drink, he spat it out again. “This is 11-year-old Bourbon!” The situation repeated itself with his next request, a 30-year-old bottle of port wine.
Finally, an old drunk at the end of the bar called the bartender down. Handing a glass to the bartender, he said, “Give this to the well-dressed man and tell him it’s on me.” The bartender did so, and the man took a sip. Wincing, he spat it out. “Yuck!,” he yelled. “This tastes like urine!”
“It is,” replied the old drunk. “Now how old am I?”
Pinworm Medication Package Not Helping
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Joke of the Day, 4/2/08
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Joke of the Day, 3/28/08
A surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest. The doctor said, “God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is even older!” And then the lawyer said, “Who do you think created the chaos?”
Local Doctor Throws Pills At Everything
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Joke of the Day, 3/20/08
A guy walked into a bar, ordered four shots of the most expensive Scotch, and quickly downed them, one after another.
The bartender said, “Wow, you look like you’re in a hurry!”
“You would be too if you had what I have,” the man said.
“What’s that?”
“Fifty cents.”
Joke of the Day, 3/13/08
A golfer was sitting in the clubhouse after playing a round. He looked upset, so his friend came over and asked how it went.
“It was terrible! On the 16th hole, I sliced one out onto the freeway, it went through the windshield of a bus, and there was a terrible accident. The bus went out of control and hit a car — there were people all over the place!”
His friend said, “That’s awful!! What did you do??”
“Well, I closed up my stance and shortened my backswing a little.”
The Best of the Jokes (December through February)
December 10, 2007: After her son fell in the pond again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, “Are you out there wetting your pants again!?”
There was dead silence for a moment, and then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly — “No, ma’am, just reading the meter.”
—
December 20, 2007: A man went to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.
“Hmm,” said the doctor. “That’s strange.”
The man replied, “I know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”
—
January 18, 2008: A woman went into the dentist’s office and said, “I think I’d just as soon have a baby as get my tooth pulled.”
The dentist replied, “Make up your mind — I’ll have to adjust the chair.”
—
February 7, 2008: A Texan walked into a pub in Ireland and said, “I hear you Irish like to drink. I bet you 500 American dollars that no one in here can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room grew silent, and no one took the offer. One man even left.
30 minutes later, the guy who left comes back and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your offer still good?”
The Texan nods and the bartender lines up 10 pints. Immediately the Irishman tears into them, downing one after another after another as the patrons cheer. In a few minutes, all were empty, and the others in the bar cheered as the Texan sat amazed. Handing the Irishman $500, he said, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replied, “Oh, I just went to the pub down the street to see if I could really do it.”
The Best of the Jokes (July through November)
July 18, 2007: A lawyer was painting his house when a hobo came by and asked if there was anything he could do to earn a few dollars.
“Sure,” the lawyer said. “Take this can of paint, go around the back of the house and paint my porch.”
The hobo did it, and 15 minutes later, he came back and said he was finished. “Already?,” the lawyer asked.
The hobo said, “Yeah, but it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Mercedes!”
—
August 7, 2007: President Bush was being briefed on the war by his staff. “Last night three Brazilian soldiers were killed,” they told him.
“Oh no!! That’s terrible!,” he exclaimed.
His staff was surprised at the outburst of emotion and waited as he sat, cradling his head in his hands.
Finally he looked up. “How many are in a brazillion?”
—
September 10, 2007: A blind guy on a barstool yells out, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a loud voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I’m a 6′ tall, 200-pound black belt, plus the guy next to me is 6’2″, 225, and a rugby player. Oh, and the fella to your right is 6’5″, pushing 300, and a wrestler. And each and every one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah: not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
—
November 5, 2007: There’s a drummer and a piano player in a car. Who’s driving?
The policeman.
The Best of the Jokes (March through June)
March 30, 2007: Two Baptist ministers were talking about the immorality of the country today.
One of them said to the other, “I’ll tell you one thing — I sure didn’t sleep with my wife before we were married! How about you?”
And the other says, “Well, I don’t know — what was her maiden name?”
—
May 17, 2007: Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes rolled back in his head, so the other guy whipped out his cell phone and called 911.
“My friend is dead!,” he gasped. “What can I do?”
The operator replies, “Take it easy, I can help. First, you’d better make sure he’s dead.”
There were a few seconds of silence, then two shots.
“OK, now what?”
—
June 20, 2007: It was the last day of school and the children had lined up to deliver their gifts to the teacher. First came the florist’s son with a bouquet of flowers. Next was the daughter of the candy store owner, with a neatly wrapped box in the shape of a heart.
Then the liquor store owner’s son brought up a large box and set it on the teacher’s desk. She noticed it was leaking on the side, so she touched a drop of the liquid and brought it to her mouth. “Is it wine?,” she guessed.
“Nope,” said the boy.
She tasted another drop. “Champagne?”
“No!”
“I give up,” she said. “What is it?”
“A puppy!”
Joke of the Day, 2/29/08
A cop was parked outside a bar at 2 am, waiting for drunk drivers. He watched a man stumble out the door, trip over the curb, try the doors to 25 cars before finding his own, then fall asleep in the front seat. One by one, the other drivers pull out of the parking lot, and finally the man wakes up, starts his car, and drives away.
Immediately, he is pulled over and the cop gives him a Breathalyzer test. It shows a 0.00 blood-alcohol level, and the cop is stunned. “How are you not drunk?,” he asks.
The man answers, “Tonight was my turn to be the decoy!”
Joke of the Day, 2/27/08
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy and his dog. He leans over to say hello to the dog, but hesitates.
“Hey man, does your dog bite?”
“Nope,” the guy responds.
So the man leans over and pets the dog, who promptly chomps down on his hand.
“Ow!!,” the man yells. “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!!”
The guy glances over and smiles.
“I lied!”
Joke of the Day, 2/25/08
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers!
Joke of the Day, 2/21/08
Two potatoes were sitting on a fence, shooting the breeze, when one toppled off and landed directly on his head. The other quickly summoned help, and the fallen spud was taken off to the potato hospital, with his worried companion following close behind.
The next day, after a long night of surgery, the potato doctor came out to speak with the friend.
“I have good news and bad news,” the doctor began. “The good news is that your friend is going to survive. But he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Joke of the Day, 2/19/08
Two older women were out collecting for charity one afternoon when they came to the house of an infamous miser. Praying under their breath, they knocked on the door and smiled as the man opened it.
“Hello, sir, we’re here to ask you to give to the Foundation for Chil –”
“You want ME to donate money to you?!,” the man thundered.
“Why, yes,” one woman squeaked. “We should all take care of those less fortunate.”
“Less fortunate?,” he yelled in reply. “I’ll tell you a thing or two about the less fortunate! I have a mother who is blind and shivering in a home for the aged! I have a sister with four young, fatherless children that desperately need to eat! I have a brother who lost his legs in a die press, a cousin who was mauled by bears, and two adult sons with palsy of the hands! I know all about the less fortunate!”
The ladies were stunned. “We — we didn’t know,” one said.
The man continued. “And if I don’t give money to any of them, what makes you think I’d give any to you??”
Joke of the Day, 2/15/08
A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me, Doc?”
The psychiatrist said, “You’re not eating properly!”
Joke of the Day, 2/13/08
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Joke of the Day, 2/11/08
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!!
Joke of the Day, 2/7/08
A Texan walked into a pub in Ireland and said, “I hear you Irish like to drink. I bet you 500 American dollars that no one in here can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room grew silent, and no one took the offer. One man even left.
30 minutes later, the guy who left comes back and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your offer still good?”
The Texan nods and the bartender lines up 10 pints. Immediately the Irishman tears into them, downing one after another after another as the patrons cheer. In a few minutes, all were empty, and the others in the bar cheered as the Texan sat amazed. Handing the Irishman $500, he said, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replied, “Oh, I just went to the pub down the street to see if I could really do it.”
Joke of the Day, 2/5/08
A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel covering his face.
“What’s the meaning of this?,” said the bartender.
“Arrrrr,” yelled the pirate. “I’ve got a Bounty on my head!”
Joke of the Day, 2/1/08
Ronnie came home from school crying. He said, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replied, “No, you don’t, Ronnie — you have a hideously deformed head. The other children are simply hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
Joke of the Day, 1/30/08
A drunk man sat down on the subway, next to a priest. He opened a newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“It’s caused by loose living, wicked women, alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Wow, you don’t say,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest thought for a minute, then nudged the drunk man.
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“Oh, I don’t, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Joke of the Day, 1/28/08
When is a hamburger not a hamburger?
When it turns into a big, angry gorilla!
Joke of the Day, 1/24/08
A man was struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lay dying on the sidewalk and a crowd of spectators gathered.
“A priest! Someone get me a priest!,” the man gasped.
None could be found, but finally an old man stepped out of the crowd. “Officer, I’m not a priest — I’m not even Catholic! But for 50 years I’ve lived behind St. Mary’s on 78th, and every night I hear the Catholic litany. Maybe I can bring this man some comfort.”
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to the dying man. He knelt down, leaned over the man, and began reciting, in a solemn voice: “I-21, I-21. G-54, G-54…”
Joke of the Day, 1/22/08
There were two fish in a tank. One turned to the other and said, “Do you have any idea how to drive this?”
Joke of the Day, 1/18/08
A woman went into the dentist’s office and said, “I think I’d just as soon have a baby as get my tooth pulled.”
The dentist replied, “Make up your mind — I’ll have to adjust the chair.”
Joke of the Day, 1/16/08
A farmboy accidentally overturned his wagon of corn in a ditch. The farmer who lived nearby heard the ruckus, and yelled over to the boy, “Hey, forget your troubles! Come in and have dinner, and then I’ll help you get the wagon out.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” the boy answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Nah, come on in,” the farmer insisted.
Finally, the boy agreed. “Okay, I’ll come over, but I’m telling you Pa won’t like it!”
After a hearty dinner, the boy thanked his host. “I feel much better now, but I know Pa’s gonna be real upset.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand,” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.”
Joke of the Day, 1/14/08
A drunk guy walked into a bar and looked up to see a woman with a French poodle in her arms. The drunk slurred, “Where’d ya get that pig?”
The shocked lady snapped back, “I’ll have you know this is a Frrrrrrrrench poodle!”
The drunk looked back at her. “I was talking to the French poodle!”
Joke of the Day, 1/10/08
Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.
“You know,” said the first explorer, “we should name this vast forest we’re hiking through.”
“I know,” said the second explorer. “We’ll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.”
“Good idea,” said the third explorer. “You go first.”
“Okay,” said the first explorer. “C, eh?”
“My turn,” said the second explorer. “N, eh?”
Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers.
Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.
–Comedy Central
Joke of the Day, 1/8/08
A husband comes home early from work and catches his wife with the mailman. Before they see him, he sneaks back onto the porch, finds the mailbag, steams open the letters, inserts coupons from his rug-cleaning business, and seals them tight.
“Ha ha ha,” he snickers. “That lazy mailman who is shirking his duties works for me now!”
–Comedy Central
Joke of the Day, 12/24/07
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — J. Leno
Joke of the Day, 12/20/07
A man went to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.
“Hmm,” said the doctor. “That’s strange.”
The man replied, “I know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”
Joke of the Day, 12/18/07
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — P. Diller
Joke of the Day, 12/14/07
A cowboy walked out of a bar, and a second later, came back in, mighty mad.
“Okay,” he yelled. “Which one of you sidewindin’ hombres went outside an’ painted mah horse bright red while I was a-drinkin’?”
No one answered. The cowpoke drew his six-shooter and yelled, “I said, which one of you mangy polecats painted mah horse red?!”
Slowly one of the cowboys at the bar stood up. Six feet eight inches tall, he pulled a small cannon from his holster. “I done it,” he growled.
The first cowboy put his gun back in the holster. “Uhhh… I just wanted to let you know the first coat’s dry.”
Joke of the Day, 12/12/07
Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
You do all the work while a fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
Joke of the Day, 12/10/07
After her son fell in the pond again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, “Are you out there wetting your pants again!?”
There was dead silence for a moment, and then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly — “No, ma’am, just reading the meter.”
Joke of the Day, 12/6/07
Did you hear about the talking Jewish Mother doll? You pull the string and it says, “Again with the string!”
Joke of the Day, 12/4/07
An Irishman walked into a bar. “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?,” he asked.
The bartender scratched his head. “Are you walking or driving?”
“Driving,” the man said.
The bartender nodded. “Well, that’s the quickest way.”
Joke of the Day, 11/30/07
Why was the tomato red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Joke of the Day, 11/28/07
A duck waddled into a bar. The bartender asked, “What can I get you?” “Got any grapes?,” the duck asked. “No,” said the bartender. “We serve beer and whiskey and stuff like that.” So the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back. “Got any grapes?,” he asks. “No!,” the bartender says. “We don’t have any grapes!”
The duck comes back the next day with the same question. Annoyed, the bartender says, “If you ask for grapes one more time, I’ll nail your beak to the bar!”
But the very next day, in comes the duck. “Got any nails?,” he asks the bartender.
The bartender is confused. “No, why?”
“Got any grapes?”
Joke of the Day, 11/26/07
A thief broke into a house and was headed for the safe when he heard a voice behind him say, “God is watching.” He turned around and saw no one, so he continued. Again he heard, “God is watching.” He went back a few feet and noticed a parrot in the corner. “Hi there,” he said. “What’s your name, little birdie?”
“John the Baptist,” the parrot said.
“That’s an odd name for a parrot! Who named you that?”
“The same guy who named the Rottweiler ‘God.’ “
Joke of the Day, 11/21/07
A guy was driving down a country road and ran over a rooster. He felt guilty, so he stopped and went up to the farmhouse. “I’d like to replace your rooster,” he told the farmer.
“Okay,” the farmer said. “The chickens are out back.”
Joke of the Day, 11/19/07
What’s big and grey and writes gloomy poetry?
T.S. Elephant.
Joke of the Day, 11/15/07
How many old ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to do it, and another to say, “Look! Agnes is changing the lightbulb!”
Joke of the Day, 11/13/07
A sailor met a pirate in a bar, with a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. Intrigued, he asked the pirate how he got his peg leg.
“Matey, I was washed ashore in a great gale, and a shark came and bit off me leg!”
Astonished, the sailor went on. “How did you get your hook?”
The pirate answered, “We was in a fierce fight boardin’ a ship, and darned if they didn’t chop me hand clear off!”
Finally the sailor asked, “And the eyepatch? How’d you get that?”
“A seagull pooped in me eye,” the pirate said.
The sailor was stunned. “You lost an eye from seagull poop?”
“Well, it was me first day with the hook.”
Joke of the Day, 11/9/07
A very excited man went to his barber. “I’m heading to Rome — I’m flying over on Alitalia, staying at the Hilton, and I’m going to see the Pope!”
His barber laughed. “Alitalia’s almost as bad as Air Transat, the Hilton is a dump, and you’ll probably have 10,000 people between you and the Pope!”
So the guy went to Rome and came back. His barber asked, “How was Rome?”
“Great,” said the man. “The airline was perfect, the hotel was wonderful, and I got to meet the Pope!”
“You met the Pope?”
“I kissed his ring.”
“Wow! What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where did you get that terrible haircut?'”
Joke of the Day, 11/7/07
An old man was dying, and he said to his wife, “Honey, call for a priest.”
She said, “But Sam, we’re Jewish!”
“What, I should make the rabbi sick?”
Joke of the Day, 11/5/07
There’s a drummer and a piano player in a car. Who’s driving?
The policeman.
Joke of the Day, 11/1/07
Patient: “Doctor! Something’s wrong! I’m shrinking!”
Doctor: “Take it easy, sir. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
Joke of the Day, 10/30/07
Why did the blonde nurse carry a red pen?
To draw blood.
Joke of the Day, 10/26/07
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stables when one of the stallions passed gas so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.
“Oh my heavens,” said the Queen, “how embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.”
“Quite understandable,” said the Archbishop. He paused. “As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse!”
Joke of the Day, 10/24/07
A man felt ill, so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor came out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor said. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Give it to me straight, Doc,” the man said. “How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor said, sadly.
“Ten?” the man yelled. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine… Eight…”
Joke of the Day, 10/22/07
“Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes!”
“Have you ever seen a doctor?”
“No, just spots!”
Joke of the Day, 10/18/07
A man came to the doctor’s office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?,” he asks the doctor.
The doctor says, “You’re not eating properly!”
Joke of the Day, 10/16/07
A young boy was in the garden, filling in a hole, when his neighbor peered over the fence. “What are you up to there?,” he asked.
“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, “and I’ve just buried him.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” The man looked again. “But that’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, “That’s ’cause he’s inside your cat!”
Joke of the Day, 10/12/07
Why couldn’t Mozart find his teacher?
Because he was Haydn!
Joke of the Day, 10/10/07
A blind man decided to visit Texas. When he got on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The guy next to him said, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he arrived in Houston, he got to his hotel and headed to the bar. He ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. “Wow, these mugs are big!,” he exclaimed. The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a few drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where he could find the bathroom. “Second door on the left,” he said. The blind man headed down the hall, but tripped and missed the second door. Instead, he entered door #3, which led to the swimming pool, and he fell in. Scared to death, he started shouting, “Don’t flush!! Don’t flush!!”
Joke of the Day, 10/8/07
A man walking down a country lane passed a farm, where he saw a pig with two wooden legs, one in front, one in back. He called out to the man walking in the pasture, “How did your pig get those wooden legs?”
The farmer headed over. “This pig is really somethin’ else! One day my son got trapped under the tractor, and this pig came out the barn and got me, just in time to free him! This pig saved my boy’s life!”
The man was amazed, but still curious. “But how did he get the wooden legs?”
“When the house caught fire, this pig gone inside and dragged my wife out through the flames!”
“Wow! Is that why he got the wooden legs? Burns?”
“I’m not done — I was down by the river and an alligator done come out and snap at me. This pig fought the alligator off and let me escape with both my legs!”
“So that’s how he got the wooden legs? The alligator bit him?”
The farmer shook his head. “No, no… A pig this special? Can’t eat him all at once.”
Joke of the Day, 10/4/07
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Joke of the Day, 10/2/07
A man went on vacation and asked his mother to stay at his house and look after his pet cat. Just to be safe, he asked his next-door neighbor to check on her every few days.
After a few days in Mexico, the man got a call from his neighbor.
“How’s everything going?,” the man asked.
“Well, your cat died.”
“Come on!,” the man shouted. “Couldn’t you have been a little more considerate? I’m on vacation! You could have broken the news a little more gently, maybe start off by saying the cat was stuck up on the roof, then the next day tell me she fell off and went to the vet, and then the day after that, something about her surgery — just not all at once like this! It’s not right!”
His neighbor apologized, and the man went on. “How’s my mom doing?”
“Uhhh….. She’s stuck up on the roof…”
Joke of the Day, 9/28/07
The Alabama Highway Patrol pulled a pickup truck over. The officer approached the driver.
“Son, you got any I.D.?”
” ‘Bout what?”
Joke of the Day, 9/26/07
A city boy from New York named Randy moved to the backwoods of Vermont, out in the middle of nowhere, miles and miles from the nearest road. After a few months of solitude, he heard a knock at the door.
He opened it to find a giant bearded man in filthy overalls and bare feet. “Howdy!! My name’s John Paul and I’m here to welcome you to the neighborhood! I want to invite you to a party!”
“That sounds great,” Randy said. “I’d be delighted to come.”
“But I gotta warn ya,” John Paul said, “This is Vermont — so there’s usually a lot of drinkin’.”
Randy smiled. “Oh, I’ve been known to have a drink from time to time.”
John Paul scratched his head. “There’ll be dancin’ too — always dancin’.”
Randy nodded and said, “I’m pretty light on my feet; that’ll be fine!”
“There’ll be a fight — there’s always a fight or two.”
Randy nodded grimly. “I’m from New York; I can hold my own.”
John Paul started off, but then looked over his shoulder. “Well, th’ other thing is — at these parties, well, we get to drinkin’ and dancin’, and after the fight, one thing leads to another, and, uh, there’s always a little bit of carnal knowledge, if ya catch my drift.”
“I’ve been here for months and haven’t seen a soul — that wouldn’t be out of the question either! What should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter,” the Vermonter said, walking away.
“Just gonna be you and me.”
Joke of the Day, 9/24/07
A blonde in Las Vegas went up to the Coke machine, put in a dollar, and got a Coke.
She put in another dollar and got another Coke.
She put in another dollar and got another Coke.
She put in yet another dollar and got yet another Coke.
Finally, a man behind her said, “Hey, lady, you think I could use the machine?”
“Go away!,” she yelled. “Can’t you see I’m winning?”
Joke of the Day, 9/20/07
A soldier met a pirate in a bar, and talk turned to their adventures. The soldier saw that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with the peg leg?” he asked.
“I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As me men were pullin’ me out, a shark bit off me leg.”
“Wow!,” said the soldier. “What about your hook?”
“Well,” answered the pirate, “we was boardin’ a ship and one of the enemy gone and hacked off me hand.”
“Incredible! How’d you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull pooped in my eye,” the pirate replied.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the soldier asked, bewildered.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was me first day with the hook.”
Joke of the Day, 9/18/07
An old man lived on a farm, a large tract of land that included a fruit grove on the banks of a beautiful pond. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and look it over, and he grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he got closer, he realized a group of young women were skinny-dipping in his pond. He announced his presence to the ladies and they hid underwater. One shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned. “I didn’t come down here to see you ladies swimmin’ naked!”
He held the bucket up. “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
Joke of the Day, 9/14/07
This joke’s not funny. It’s cruel.
Last night I took Chloe to the airport and we got up to the baggage counter. Rather than saying her meticulously packed bags were all right, the checker looked very concerned. “You’re 20 kilos over,” she said. Almost 50 pounds.
Why is that? Because this airline (Air Transat, THE WORST AIRLINE IN THE WORLD) has some dinky-donky, whiny baby, slush-puppy, rule about the weight of bags, one that differs from any other major airline that flies across the ocean. So they tell us we’ll need to pay $7 (Canadian) per kilo. $140 Canadian, which used to be about 20 bucks, but now is well over $100.
We went over to the cashier, who worked for Air Transat, the worst airline in the world. “We bought this online and there was NO information about luggage weight.”
“Oh! Did you read the terms and conditions?”
“I’M A LAWYER! OF COURSE I READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS! There was nothing there about luggage weight!”
“Oh. Well, did you go to our website? It’s on our website (www.airtransat.com, home of the worst airline in the world).”
“Why on earth would I go to your website when I bought the ticket on another website and they were going to mail me the tickets? There’s nothing on this ticket or in any information I received (from Air Transat, the worst airline in the world about your limit on baggage weight!”
“Well, you have to confirm on our website!”
“So I have to go to your website, after I’ve bought and paid for a ticket somewhere else, and closely examine all the small print that might be there.”
“Sir, it’s not small print.”
“It’s on your front page then?”
“There’s a link on our front page to that information.”
She went on to lie to me about her own travel habits, but that’s neither here nor there. I want you to know that I just went to their pathetic website, and it took me five clicks and ten minutes to find their baggage policy — in small print — which, fortunately for them, did agree with the amounts they quoted us.
But if Air Transat (the worst airline in the world) thinks that it’s heard the end of this, they are wrong. Dead wrong.
I’m going to get my $140 (Canadian) worth.
Joke of the Day, 9/12/07
A man was walking on the beach and tripped over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie popped out and said, “I’m required to grant you three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate the most — your boss.”
Stunned, the man quickly made his first wish: “I want lots of money.”
Instantly $20 million appeared in bags on the beach, while the genie told him $40 million had appeared in his boss’s bank account.
Next the man asked for an incredible sports car. A Lamborghini appeared before him, while at the same moment, according to the genie, two showed up in his boss’s driveway.
Finally, the genie said, “You have only one wish left; choose carefully.”
The man said, “You know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”
Joke of the Day, 9/10/07
A blind guy on a barstool yells out, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a loud voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I’m a 6′ tall, 200-pound black belt, plus the guy next to me is 6’2″, 225, and a rugby player. Oh, and the fella to your right is 6’5″, pushing 300, and a wrestler. And each and every one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Joke of the Day, 9/6/07
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist, clocked going 65 MPH down Main Street.
“Officer, I can explain!,” the man began.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “You were going too fast, and I’m going to let you wait in jail until the chief gets back!”
“But officer, I…”
“I said keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later, the officer checked on the man. “Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Joke of the Day, 9/4/07
An older couple had a son living with them, and they were worried about him, as he hadn’t yet decided what he wanted to do with his life. As a test, his parents took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table — then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home.
The father said, “If he takes the money, he’ll go into business; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; if he takes the whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”
The son came in and saw a note they had left, saying they’d be home later. He walked into the room, saw the $10 bill, held it up to the light, then slid it into his pocket. Next he picked up the Bible, quickly flipped through it, and stuck it under his arm. Finally, he grabbed the bottle of booze, opened it, took a quick nip to test the quality, then quickly left for his room with all three items.
The father slapped his forehead. “It’s even worse than I ever imagined…”
“What do you mean?,” his wife asked.
“He’s gonna be a politician.”
Joke of the Day, 8/31/07
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
BONUS LINKS:
The World’s Highest Website, 11.8 miles worth!
A cool video from a Belgian comic duo
The Human Brain Cloud, a ‘game’ that shows the interconnections between words and concepts
Joke of the Day, 8/29/07
What’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you’re the one!
Joke of the Day, 8/27/07
The nun in school stood over a five-year-old girl and asked her what she was drawing.
“God,” the child said simply.
“But no one knows what God looks like.”
“They will now!“
Joke of the Day, 8/23/07
A wealthy lawyer was riding in a limousine when he saw two men eating grass on the roadside. He told his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?,” he asked.
“We don’t have money for food,” one man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.
“What of my wife? My children?” The other man agreed, as they pointed to a small throng of family members huddled down the road.
“Bring them all!”
They all climbed into the limo. Once they left, one of the men said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”
Joke of the Day, 8/21/07
Man said to God, “Why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God said, “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man said, “why did you make her so dumb?”
And God said, “So she would love you.”
Joke of the Day, 8/17/07
A little girl was in church when she started feeling sick. “Mommy, I think I have to throw up!,” she exclaimed.
“Okay, honey. Quick, go out the front door and behind the church, then throw up behind a bush.”
After about sixty seconds, the little girl came back. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yeah.”
“How could you have gone all the way and back so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to leave, Mommy. They have a box on the wall by the door that says, ‘For the Sick.'”
Joke of the Day, 8/15/07
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
-S. Wright
Joke of the Day, 8/13/07
Two small boys were talking on the playground.
“My name is Johnny. What’s yours?,” asked the first boy.
“Sam,” replied the second. “My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do?”
Johnny replied, “My daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?,” asked Sam.
“No, just the regular kind,” replied Johnny.
Joke of the Day, 8/9/07
Barry Bonds is a modern-day hero, a man who has represented his sport, his family and his team with class and integrity, and he deserves our honor and acclaim.
Joke of the Day, 8/7/07
President Bush was being briefed on the war by his staff. “Last night three Brazilian soldiers were killed,” they told him.
“Oh no!! That’s terrible!,” he exclaimed.
His staff was surprised at the outburst of emotion and waited as he sat, cradling his head in his hands.
Finally he looked up. “How many are in a brazillion?”
Joke of the Day, 8/3/07
A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by a farmer with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running, they spotted a barn and ran inside to hide.
They each hid in a old sack stored in the back of the barn. The farmer went in, but didn’t see where they went. He was about to turn back when he saw the three suspicious-looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Scotsman inside said, “Meow!”
“Just cats,” the farmer thought.
The farmer went on and prodded the second sack with his foot this time. The Englishman, having heard how the Scotsman got away, said, “Woof!”
“Just dogs,” the farmer thought and moved on.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman knew what he had to say. And as soon as the farmer prodded his sack, he yelled out, “Potatoes!”
Joke of the Day, 8/1/07
What do you call a fish with one eye?
Fssshhh!
Joke of the Day, 7/30/07
Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony’s fence.
The police are looking into it.
Joke of the Day, 7/26/07
There’s a nudist colony for communists, and two old men were sitting out on the front porch.
One man turned to the other and said, “I say, ol’ boy, have you read Marx?”
And the other answered, “Why yes! I believe they’re from these wicker chairs!”
Joke of the Day, 7/24/07
Why can’t Episcopalians play chess?
They can’t tell the difference between a bishop and a queen!
Joke of the Day, 7/20/07
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?
The DNA’s all the same and there are no dental records!
Joke of the Day, 7/18/07
A lawyer was painting his house when a hobo came by and asked if there was anything he could do to earn a few dollars.
“Sure,” the lawyer said. “Take this can of paint, go around the back of the house and paint my porch.”
The hobo did it, and 15 minutes later, he came back and said he was finished. “Already?,” the lawyer asked.
The hobo said, “Yeah, but it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Mercedes!“
Joke of the Day, 7/16/07
Why should you always invite two Baptists to go fishing with you?
If you only invite one, he’ll drink all your beer.
Joke of the Day, 7/12/07
An Amish family was in town to record a property deed, and the father and his young son entered the courthouse. On their way to the office, the boy noticed a new renovation, two shiny doors that slid apart and moved back together again. “What is that, father?”
“I don’t know, son. I’ve never seen it before.”
As they watched it curiously, an unattractive older woman walked up to the elevator and pushed the button. The walls parted, she stepped inside into a little room, and they closed. The boy and his father watched as the small numbers above the doors slowly lit up, one at a time, until they reached the end, then began to light in the other direction.
Finally the walls opened up again, and out stepped a beautiful young woman.
The father nudged his son and whispered, “Go get your mother.”
Joke of the Day, 7/10/07
Two tourists were driving through central Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about how to pronounce the town’s name.
They argued for a while until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the girl behind the counter, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce the name of where we are — very slowly?”
The girl nodded, leaned over the cash register, and said, “Burrrrr — gerrrrrr Kiiiiinng.”
Joke of the Day, 7/6/07
What do you call a man who’s lost 75% of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Joke of the Day, 7/4/07
Where do refrigerators go for Christmas?
To a clear mountain stream!
Joke of the Day, 7/2/07
A man was rescued from a desert island after several years there alone. From the plane, the rescuers noticed he had built three structures, and after they took off, they asked him what they were for.
“Well, that big one was my house, and the one over there by the rock was my church.”
“What about the one by the tree?,” they asked.
“Oh… That’s the church I used to go to.”
Joke of the Day, 6/28/07
A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house. They watched two people go in, and then a while later, three came out.
The engineer said, “Our initial count must have been wrong.”
The biologist said, “They must have reproduced!”
And the mathematician said, “Now if one person goes back in the house, it will be completely empty!”
Joke of the Day, 6/26/07
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Joke of the Day, 6/22/07
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler!
Joke of the Day, 6/20/07
It was the last day of school and the children had lined up to deliver their gifts to the teacher. First came the florist’s son with a bouquet of flowers. Next was the daughter of the candy store owner, with a neatly wrapped box in the shape of a heart.
Then the liquor store owner’s son brought up a large box and set it on the teacher’s desk. She noticed it was leaking on the side, so she touched a drop of the liquid and brought it to her mouth. “Is it wine?,” she guessed.
“Nope,” said the boy.
She tasted another drop. “Champagne?”
“No!”
“I give up,” she said. “What is it?”
“A puppy!“
Joke of the Day, 6/18/07
On his seventieth birthday, a man decided to treat himself to a new Corvette. Taking it out on the highway for the first time, he wanted to test its capabilities. As he pushed the car over 80, he noticed flashing lights in his rearview mirror.
A pulse of adrenaline went through his body and he started driving even faster; the needle edged past 100. For a second, he considered outrunning the officer, but then he came to his senses and pulled over.
Up to his window came the trooper, shaking his head. “Sir, I have never seen anything like this in all my years on the force. A man of your age, driving 100 miles an hour?? You better have an excuse I’ve never heard before either, or you’re going to have quite the ticket to pay.”
The man spoke immediately. “Officer, 20 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were trying to return her!”
The officer was silent, then turned to walk back to his cruiser.
“You slow down and drive safely, sir.”
Joke of the Day, 6/14/07
A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the other golfer came over to look for it, the lawyer said, “I’ll have you know that I’m a lawyer and this is going to cost you $5,000!”
“I’m really sorry,” the golfer said. “But I clearly said ‘Fore!'”
“I’ll take it!,” said the lawyer.
Joke of the Day, 6/12/07
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones!
Joke of the Day, 6/8/07
A philosopher went to an Italian restaurant on a first date. He and his friend sat quietly for a while, until he finally asked, “So, do you like philosophy?”
“No,” she answered.
After another few minutes, he asked, “Do you have a sister?”
Again she replied, “No.”
He sat quietly, thinking. Finally he broke the silence. “If you had a sister, do you think she would like philosophy?”
Joke of the Day, 6/6/07
So two Irishmen walked out of a bar…
Joke of the Day, 6/4/07
A pastor was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collection plates on Sundays, so he learned hypnosis. He started preaching in a monotone, swung a watch slowly in front of the pulpit, and at the end of the sermon, he yelled, “Give!” That week the collection plate was full of twenty-dollar bills and large checks. It worked for weeks; the congregation sat mesmerized during the sermon, staring at the swinging watch, and when the pastor yelled “Give!,” they gave everything they had. But it all fell apart one Sunday, when at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke and the pastor said, “Oh, crap!”
Joke of the Day, 5/31/07
Once I saw a guy on a bridge about to jump. “Don’t do it!,” I yelled, but he responded, “Nobody loves me.” “God loves you,” I said. “Do you believe in God?” “Yes,” he answered.
“Are you a Christian or a Jew?,” I asked.
“A Christian.”
“Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
“Protestant.”
“Hey, me too! What denomination?”
“Baptist.”
“Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
“Northern Baptist.”
“Wow, me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
“Northern Conservative Baptist.”
“Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
“Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
“Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
“Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
So I said, “Die, heretic!!!!,” and I pushed him over.
-E. Philips
Joke of the Day, 5/29/07
A man walked into a bar. “Bartender, get me a beer, and quick — before the trouble starts!”
The bartender complied, and the man downed it in seconds. “Another beer, please! Before the trouble starts!”
Again the bartender gave him a beer, and again it disappeared in record time. “I need one more — now, before the trouble starts!”
He got the beer, but at this point, the bartender’s curiosity was piqued. “So when’s this trouble going to start anyway?”
The man finished drinking and answered, “Right about the time you find out I got no money.”
Joke of the Day, 5/25/07
Two aging Catholic priests went to the Vatican for the first time, to visit the great library of church documents. Because they were great scholars, they were given access to the oldest text in the city, dating from the inauguration of the rite of priestly ordination.
One of the priests had an appointment to meet with a cardinal, and when he returned to the room where they had been working, he found his counterpart weeping bitterly.
“What is the matter?”
“This text — our monks have copied it faithfully by hand for years, correct?”
“Why yes, that is true.”
“Might there have been some small error made along the way??”
“Perhaps — we are but human.”
“So is it not possible that one minor mistake, made thousands of years ago, may have been copied, over and over again, ever since???”
“I suppose that could be. But why do you ask?”
Weeping again, the scholar thrust the ancient text toward his friend.
“It says cel-EBRATE!”
Joke of the Day, 5/23/07
Joke of the Day, 5/21/07
A woman was leaving a convenience store one afternoon when she noticed an odd funeral procession. There was a hearse, followed by another about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman, dressed in black, walking a German shepherd on a leash. And behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women, walking single-file.
The first woman respectfully approached the one walking the dog and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, and I don’t mean to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. What happened?”
“My husband died,” the woman in black replied.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!!”
“Yes,” she said, “my dog attacked and killed him.”
“Oh…well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
“Ah.” The first woman turned to walk away, but then thought for a second. “Do you think… that maybe I could… possibly borrow the dog?”
The woman in black smiled wryly and pointed. “Get in line.”
Joke of the Day, 5/17/07
Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes rolled back in his head, so the other guy whipped out his cell phone and called 911.
“My friend is dead!,” he gasped. “What can I do?”
The operator replies, “Take it easy, I can help. First, you’d better make sure he’s dead.”
There were a few seconds of silence, then two shots.
“OK, now what?”
Joke of the Day, 5/15/07
3 engineers and 3 accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the accountants each bought a ticket, but were surprised to see the three engineers buy only one.
“How will you all travel on only one ticket?,” one asked.
“You’ll see,” said an engineer.
They all boarded the train; the accountants took their seats, but the engineers crammed into the restroom and closed the door. When the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened a small crack; a single arm emerged with the ticket, and the conductor moved on.
On the return trip, the accountants decided to buy only the single ticket for their return trip. But to their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
“How will you ride without a ticket?,” asked one perplexed accountant.
“You’ll see.”
When they boarded the train, the accountants crammed into one restroom and the engineers the other. The train departed, and one engineer left his restroom and crossed to where the accountants were hiding. Knocking on the door, he said, “Ticket, please.”
Joke of the Day, 5/11/07
Three men were traveling through rural America when their car broke down; they sought shelter at a farmhouse.
The farmer had two spare beds in the room next to his daughter’s, but since he had heard all the stories he informed the men that one would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a polite Indian mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. But a short time later there was a knock on the door; the mathematician was there, apologetically explaining there were cows in the barn, and because of his Hindu convictions, he couldn’t sleep there.
A second man, a conservative rabbi, headed out, but in a few minutes there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he would also be quite uncomfortable there.
So the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn — but in a little while, there was a knock on the door. They answered, and there were the cows and the pig.
Joke of the Day, 5/9/07
What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
Sorry.
When Canada was founded, they needed a name. They decided to put all the letters into a hat and draw three; whatever came out would be the name of the country. The first letter was pulled out and the leader yelled, “C, eh?” The second came out and he announced, “N, eh?” And the third: “D, eh?” And so that’s how Canada got its name.
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan were out riding. The Texan pulled out a bottle of whiskey, drank some, then tossed the bottle in the air, pulled out his gun and shot it. The Canadian was shocked, but the Texan said, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.”
Not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulled out a bottle of champagne, sipped it, then threw it in the air and shot it. This time, the guy from Michigan was stunned; the Canadian said, “Well in Canada, there’s plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”
So the guy from Michigan pulled out a beer. He opened it, drank a little, chugged the rest, put the bottle in his bag, then turned around and shot the Canadian. “Why did you do that?,” yelled the Texan. And the guy from Michigan says, “You see, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime.”
Joke of the Day, 5/7/07
Sister Mary burst into the principal’s office at the parochial school in a state of agitation. The priest led her to a chair. “What has you so excited, sister?”
“Well, father,” the nun began, “I was walking to the chapel when I heard a ruckus in the hall!”
“Oh, dear,” said the priest.
“I turned the corner and I found that some of the older boys were wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!”
“But that’s not what has me so upset, father — it’s WHAT they were wagering on!” The nun’s face reddened. “They were betting on which one could urinate the highest on the wall!”
“What an incredible wager! What did you do then?”
“Well of course I hit the ceiling, father!”
“Really?? How much did you win?!”
Joke of the Day, 5/3/07
Three guys are stranded on a desert island and they find a magic lamp with a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same.
The genie gets to the third guy, and he says, “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
Joke of the Day, 5/1/07
What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag!
Joke of the Day, 4/27/07
A man went to his rabbi and said, “I’m very troubled by my son. He went away and came back a Christian.”
The rabbi said, “It’s funny you say that. My son, too, left home and returned a Christian.”
So they decided to pray about it, and God said, “You know, it’s funny you say that…..”
Joke of the Day, 4/25/07
What’s grey?
A melted penguin.
Joke of the Day, 4/23/07
How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to look at the bulb and think of his mother, and one to stand at the window and watch the rain.
Joke of the Day, 4/19/07
Two cannibals were sitting by the fire. One said, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.”
And the other says, “So try the potatoes.”
Joke of the Day, 4/17/07
Four people were riding in a train — a woman and her beautiful 19-year-old daughter on one side, and a general and his escort, a private, on the other. The train entered a tunnel, and the cabin grew dark. A kiss was heard, followed by a slap.
The mother thought, “That young man stole a kiss from my daughter, and she rightfully slapped him!”
The daughter thought, “That young man tried to kiss me, kissed my mother by mistake, and got slapped!”
The general thought, “That young man stole a kiss, and I got slapped by mistake!”
And the private thought, “I’m pretty smart — I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the general!”
Joke of the Day, 4/13/07
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows. They’ve never tried.
Joke of the Day, 4/11/07
Painter: What’s your opinion of my painting?
Critic: It’s worthless.
Painter: I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.
Joke of the Day, 4/9/07
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but he has to wait till the light is better.
Joke of the Day, 4/5/07
How do you get a drummer out of your house?
Pay him for the pizza.
Joke of the Day, 4/3/07
A patient went to a psychiatrist’s office. “Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I think I’m a dog. I walk around on all fours, I bark in the middle of the night, and I can’t stay out of the dog food.”
“Very interesting,” the psychiatrist said. “Lie down on the couch and let’s talk about it.”
“I’m not allowed on the couch!“
Joke of the Day, 3/30/07
Two Baptist ministers were talking about the immorality of the country today.
One of them said to the other, “I’ll tell you one thing — I sure didn’t sleep with my wife before we were married! How about you?”
And the other says, “Well, I don’t know — what was her maiden name?”
Joke of the Day, 3/28/07
The Pope was visiting town and all the residents dressed up in their best clothes and lined up on Main Street, hoping for a personal blessing from the pontiff. One man put on a three-piece suit, and was certain the Pope would stop and talk with him. He was standing next to a downtrodden old bum who didn’t smell very good, and as the Pope came walking by, he leaned over, whispered something into the ear of the bum, but then walked right by the man.
He couldn’t believe it, but then he realized — the Pope won’t talk to him because he’s most concerned about the poor and the unfortunate. So he quickly gave the bum $20 to trade clothes, ran down the street, and lined up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk with him.
Sure enough, the Pope walked right up to him, leaned over close, and said, “I thought I told you to get the **** out of here!”
Joke of the Day, 3/26/07
What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?
A fungi to be with!
Joke of the Day, 3/22/07
How many Roberts Wesleyan freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
Joke of the Day, 3/20/07
There’s a nudist colony for communists, and two old men were sitting out on the front porch.
One man turned to the other and said, “I say, ol’ boy, have you read Marx?”
And the other answered, “Why yes! I believe they’re from these wicker chairs!”
Joke of the Day, 3/16/07
Two hunters are wandering through the forest without much luck. Finally they stumbled across some tracks, but started arguing about their origin.
“They’re deer tracks,” contended one.
“No, they’re rabbit tracks,” said the other.
“Deer tracks!”
“Rabbit tracks!”
And as they stood there arguing, the train hit them.
Joke of the Day, 3/14/07
Three samurai met to determine who was the greatest swordsman.
The judge approached the first and opened a small box. Out came a fly. The samurai’s sword flashed and the fly fell to the ground, neatly divided in two. “Very impressive,” said the judge.
The judge did the same in front of the second samurai. His sword flashed twice and the fly fell, split into four sections. “Superb!,” exclaimed the judge.
Finally it was the third samurai’s turn. The judge opened another box and a fly buzzed out. His sword flew through the air and the fly continued on its path. The third samurai put away his sword with satisfaction.
“But the fly is alive,” observed the judge.
“This is true,” replied the samurai. “But he will never have children.”
Joke of the Day, 3/12/07
Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses?
They don’t like any witnesses.
Joke of the Day, 3/8/07
What do you call a room full of guitarists?
Jail.
Joke of the Day, 3/6/07
Why can’t Episcopalians play chess?
They can’t tell the difference between a bishop and a queen!
Joke of the Day, 3/2/07
What’s Irish and sits outside?
Patio furniture!
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