NBA ‘Playoffs’ Enter Third Year

May 31, 2008, 12:00 pm; posted by
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Originally published May 2006.

The tense war to determine ultimate superiority in the National Basketball Association entered its third year today, with no end to the bitter struggle yet in sight.

The ‘playoffs,’ as they are referred to by NBA insiders, were largely expected to end after a one to two-month period of nailbiting action, unforgettable drama, and eternal reminders that Law & Order airs on TNT seven nights a week, four hours a night, but the hope of a quick resolution has withered away, into an endless quagmire of zone defense and flops. One recent matchup involving the favored Detroit Pistons took three weeks to complete — six days of which were devoted to the last minute of the fourth quarter.

Recent examples of the seemingly unending conflict have included fast-paced shootouts up and down the West Coast, bruising hand-to-hand combat throughout the Midwest, and a particularly unfortunate disaster involving the New York Knicks and an under-15 travelling girls’ squad, in which guards Steve Francis and Stephon Marbury jump shot their entire team to death.

Several well-known players have fallen victim to the protracted hostilities. LA Clippers center Chris Kaman and San Antonio Spurs guard Michael Finley were injured in ways no man should ever have to witness, let alone see in slow-motion five times on SportsCenter. Miami Heat star Shaquille O’Neal turned 50 during a recent series and deserted his team to seek his fortune in the French Foreign Legion. And in perhaps the most stunning development of all, Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudemire suffered a debilitating leg injury while running last month and is expected to be euthanized by the end of June.

As the fighting has dragged on, NBA commissioner David Stern has taken the brunt of the impact publicly. A lightning rod for criticism by fans who expected a quick succession in leadership, Stern’s approval is measured at 24% by the most current public opinion polls.

Adding insult to injury, past team generals such as Bill Walton and Hubie Brown have recently joined the ranks of those calling for the resignation of playoff mastermind and Stern loyalist Donald Rumsfeld, and urged an immediate ceasefire.

“Mr. Stern, it is time you follow your own mantra!,” whined Brown, at a Phoenix press conference today. “It is clear no one can win — so send our boys home!”

“Throw it dowwwwwwn, big man!,” Walton added, as always, unnecessarily.

The office of the commissioner responded by fining Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, $1.4 million for Brown’s comments.


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