Bweinh! Goes to the Movies — Religulous

October 10, 2008, 1:42 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, Featured, Movies, Steve  | 2 Comments

I’m going to make a documentary. I’ll line up a friend with a camera to follow me around; maybe a boom mike too, for effect. I’ll get people to sit down and have a conversation with me, just two folks trying to understand each other — only once I edit the footage, I’ll make them look as stupid as I can: cutting them off before they finish, cutting in some vacant stares, maybe throwing in a nasty caption or two. And if I can’t think of the perfect smarmy comeback immediately, that’s okay! It’ll come to me in the editing room, and I’ll splice it right in!

I think I’ll call my film “Maheronic.” Too derivative? Well, why don’t you sit down and tell me why you think so? Don’t forget to look directly into the camera — no, not the one I set up on the floor behind you so you look like a naughty student in the principal’s office. Look at the other camera, the one behind me with the zoom set on “Nose Hair.” Don’t worry, I’ve been taping you while you were confused. And yes, if I really hate you, I’ll use that part too. Don’t pick your nose!

How will I start? Oh, by giving away the ending — namely, that I think Bill Maher is an insufferable, swaggering dunce. But then I’ll quickly explain that I’m making this movie to explore whether I’m right, which I am, because no rational human being could possibly disagree with me. Then I’ll move on to anecdotes from my past that no one cares about. Would you like to meet my mother? She’s feisty!

But enough about me (only for a few minutes) — what I need now are opponents to misrepresent. I’ll open with those my audience respects the least: my hero Maher went with truckers, so maybe I should pick actors. At least truckers can drive a stick shift. I’ll confuse them by mixing what they actually believe with my odd hallucinations about what they believe, then demanding they defend the whole mixture. “So you really think Bill Maher is a comedian, and an actor, and the capital of Peru?? Can you seriously believe that? Are you totally stupid or just completely wrong?”

After they stammer through, I’ll switch gears (trucker lingo, sorry) to the other extreme. This requires a new strategy — like Maher with Dr. Francis Collins, I’ll let experts talk, but then cut them off, editing their words so they either agree with me or agree to nonsense. There’s no middle ground, and if they talk longer than three seconds at a time, I’m screwing up! Documentaries are no place for complete thoughts! And sometimes, when I need to, I’ll just straight-up lie: blatantly false captions, unsupportable assertions, added sound effects, it’s all good!

Who’s gonna know? My opponents are simpering idiots, remember?

My superiority assured, I’ll tell my new “friends” all about how great I am. Loathing Bill Maher is a luxury, you see: I’d like him too if I was from Hollywood, which is like prison, just with different implants. Out in the real world, I don’t need to rely on a crutch. Besides, did you know a lot of really bad people like Maher? It’s true. Fred Phelps likes him; they were even in a movie together, called Religulous! Who hangs out with a guy like that?? Someone with a neurological disorder! I’ll even find a scientist to say those words, to make it seem like he agrees with me!

I’ll bang these gongs for a bit, with the occasional detour into the odder iterations of Maher fanhood (that valentine of a Wikipedia page doesn’t update itself), until — in the ultimate triumph of hyperbolic reductionism — I tie all my opponents together in one unhinged, foaming rant of conclusion. This is where the medium of film comes in really handy. Just think: a shot of Bill Maher, a shot of Osama bin Laden, the one, the other, back and forth, back and forth! The sound of his voice over visions of exploding bombs and the corpses of innocent kittens! His head on the body of every member of the Village People! He! Is! Evil!

But if you dare disagree with me? You’re an enabler. A “mafia wife.” You’re guilty of all of the crimes of all of the people who ever lived and agreed with you about anything ever, in all of recorded history. Even if you only like him a little, you need to know: that solace and comfort comes at a terrible price.

Grow up — by which I mean pledge allegiance to my rigid, stilted worldview — or die.

Fade to black.

That’s how I’ll make my propaganda film.

I give Religulous no letters on our scale.


Comments

2 Comments to “Bweinh! Goes to the Movies — Religulous”

  1. Steve on October 11th, 2008 11:06 am

    You may wonder why I didn’t deal with the substance of the movie. Part of the reason is that I sympathize with Maher and what I believe are his reasonable and authentic doubts about religion. I agree that it makes no sense for the Pope to live in an ornate palace or for Christian ministers to preach that God wants them to live in opulence. If you don’t believe in miracles, as he does not, much of the Old Testament reads like fable, and many Christians are sadly unable to defend or even explain their faith. I of course had no quibble with the parts about Scientology and Islam. I respect his attempts to follow reason wherever it leads.

    But he didn’t really make this movie to address his doubts. He made it to mock, ridicule, scorn, and attack that which he neither understands nor respects. It would be one thing if he had made a legitimate effort to answer the questions he posed (after giving a sneak preview at his conclusion) — but instead he set up a row of strawman arguments and took to lighting them afire. He used all the unfair tricks I referenced above, and then some, and did it in a way that made him look petty, small, and arrogant.

    I didn’t address his substance, because his movie wasn’t about substance. It was about being a pompous jackass.

  2. Djere on October 13th, 2008 12:32 am

    Speaking of Wikipedia, I went to read the article on Maher and found it had been vandalized, STEVE!

    William “Bill D*****” Maher, Jr…

    “He is also known for his abnoxious, pompous attitude.”

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