Super Bowl Haiku Prediction 5

01/30/2009, 11:52 pm -- by Tom | No Comments

A Cardinal rule
1947’s luck
Has more than run out

Presidential Haiku Prediction 1

11/3/2008, 1:59 pm -- by Tom | No Comments

Beauty and Maverick
versus record fund raising?
Barry by a nose.

From the Phone 3

09/13/2008, 3:41 pm -- by Tom | No Comments

“I’ve never seen a PT Cruiser driver and thought, ‘You know, I was wrong about them.’ “

From the Phone 2

09/11/2008, 10:28 am -- by Tom | 1 Comment

“My apartment hallway always smells like some unholy onion fraternity spent the night hazing the Vidalia freshmen.”

One Hundred Words (14)

06/4/2008, 9:00 am -- by Tom | 3 Comments

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” –2 Cor 6:14

This verse has often been used to discourage close association with unbelievers, and most classically to discourage “missionary dating.” But its core idea can be extended as a warning to know and beware the ideas of those close to you.

What if Barack Obama had taken Jeremiah Wright’s vitriol a little more seriously? What if Beirut had not chosen to overlook Hezbollah’s history and message of violence while letting it build Lebanon’s infrastructure?

Close relationships are incredibly valuable, but when you link yourself to someone’s good, you’re attached to the bad as well.

–TM

Best of Tom — Being “Individual”

03/8/2008, 5:00 pm -- by Tom | No Comments

Originally published March 7, 2007.

It’s only fitting how the concept of individuality can take such different forms in different people. You can claim your style of dress sets you apart, or your taste in music, the sports you like to watch, the sports you like to play — even the sports you like to dislike. Political party affiliations or opinions, hair and make-up style, or views on any philosophical idea can be expanded to become, in one’s mind, the trait that sets self apart from other.

The idea of individuality’s “forms” came to me while I mused over the meaning of a recent dream. I briefly considered using a “meaning of dreams” Google search to find a “professional’s” opinion of what my dream meant, but quickly pooh-poohed the idea. Knowing as I do that dream “interpreters” will, like psychics, psychologists or actuaries, keep their ideas as general as possible, I felt it futile to even bother looking. Then it occurred to me that an idea applied to everyone can still be applied to me. Just because something is a mirror in which anyone can see his reflection does not mean he can’t use that image to spot the crumbs in his beard.

For years, our culture has loudly and superficially valued uniqueness as one of the most admirable character qualities, while subtly rewarding those who maintain the status quo. The subculture as a concept exists to allow a piece of society to swallow one person’s view of his own uniqueness, rendering him as much a sheep as any other member of society. By clinging to their superficial individuality, these people become even more seamlessly integrated with their fellows.

A more realistic way of looking at things would be to acknowledge the fact that any and every aspect of your life is duplicated almost exactly in countless other people. There’s no need to resign yourself to this fact, because the sum of these disparate aspects is certainly unique. Focus on doing things you enjoy, follow trends if that’s what you want, and accept that your horoscope was spot on – you did meet someone and gave them a second chance to make a first impression, and they turned out to be a totally cool person!

Just don’t dye your hair, clothes and taste in music black, and think it makes your sheep black too.

Why We Believe, Vol. 3.14159265

10/27/2007, 12:00 pm -- by Tom | 6 Comments

This and following weekends, we will share the brief salvation testimony of each Bweinh!tributor. Next in line is Tom.

I was recently behind the wheel, in the middle of a two-hour drive, thinking about what I would write for my testimony. I’ve attended a church for as long as I can remember, and have prayed the prayer of salvation a number of times, each in earnest, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember a specific time that could be boiled down into 750 pithy, life-affirming words. I was in a great mood despite it being a rather dreary day weatherwise, but I couldn’t come up with a memory to share that I felt conveyed the importance of having all of my sins forgiven at once. Then, the thought hit – why not this one?

A number of years ago, a fellow giving an altar call at a meeting I attended asked anyone in attendance who had not asked Jesus to forgive their sins and come into their hearts to pray a simple prayer of salvation with him. He then went on to ask anyone who had done so already to pray the same prayer anyway. He told us he took every opportunity to pray that prayer, and if you look at it closely it becomes apparent why. The typical prayer for salvation you see outlined goes something like this:

1. Acknowledge in your heart that Jesus is Lord.

2. Confess that you are a sinner in need of grace.

3. Believe that Jesus died for your sins and was raised three days later.

4. Repent of your sins, and ask for His forgiveness.

Each and every point of this simple prayer is as true for me today as the first time I prayed it. Jesus is still Lord. I am still a sinner in need of grace, even if that grace has been extended to me. I still believe that he died, and was raised again. And I still willingly commit sins for which I need to be forgiven. My salvation isn’t a single event, although it does begin that way. I took that opportunity in my car to pray that prayer, and I believe it as important to my life as any I’ve ever prayed.

A life is a lot like a trip, one that takes a lot longer than two hours, and can sometimes be a lot less pleasant than a rainy, 45 degree day. As we take that walk, it’s important not only to remember the steps that got you where you are today, but to consider and take those steps that will keep you on the path on which you’ve started.

Best of Bweinh! — Evolution Evolution Redux

07/25/2007, 9:30 am -- by Tom | No Comments

Originally published on April 4, 2007.

First, a quick recap. In case you missed our previous installment here, we decided that the relative ease with which anyone can pass on his or her genes has effectively eliminated conventional microevolution of our species. The hopes and dreams of dozens of science fiction fans eagerly awaiting uber-humans have been dashed. In light of this supreme manifestation of man’s dominance over nature, how can mankind rise to meet new challenges?

The answer, regrettably, is not genetic engineering. As much as it makes my scientific nose twitch eagerly to scent its sweet aroma on the winds of societal acceptance, Western society (for better or worse, the dominant school of thought worldwide) values individuality too much to surrender it to the whims of a white-coated pipette monkey. Instead, humanity will have to change together.

People are more than the sums of the interactions of their genes. We can’t help but also be the sum of our interactions with each other. Every time two people interact, they change each other. Sometimes that change leads to good, to the betterment of mankind. An interesting parallel can be drawn between a societal evolutionary model and the Catholic priesthood. Despite the fact they’ve willingly surrendered from the “gene” race completely, a vast number of people have been improved by their interactions with priests. A vast number of people even acknowledge this change, and take steps to share it with others. Then again, a vast number of people have been hurt by priests, and not only in Springeresque ways.

Every time we interact, each of us is improving or worsening. Our task is, through our daily lives, to make the positive outweigh the negative. In the same way “natural” evolution is based on individual genes interacting and changing, societal evolution is based on the collective effect we have on each other. Evolution has become synonymous with improvement, but the sad fact is that change in either direction is part of evolution.

So visit that shut-in! Tutor that wayward youth. Tell the smarmy clerk at the record store that emo is “so yesterday.” Take it upon yourself to be a beneficial mutation — change our societal DNA.

Bweinh! Soundtrack — Death Cab for Cutie

04/13/2007, 8:31 pm -- by Tom | No Comments

Every weekend, a different Bweinh!tributor will discuss a song or songwriter that inspires or interests them. Read the last two soundtrack entries here and here.

Disclaimer: As a man living in modern American society I can, without taking too many liberties, uninhibitedly offer constructive criticism to the collective members of that elite fraternity.

The most obvious unifying characteristic among most men in our society is a simple one — insecurity. The kid who drives a truck with tires taller than he is and tailgates minivans on the interstate. The middle-manager who throws over his family for an attractive secretary, showing the world he’s “still got it.” The twentysomething who takes perverse pride in the number of girls he can manipulate into falling for him. The business man who’ll stop at nothing to get his piece, just to stay ahead of the Joneses.

Take a look at the advertisers paying for any television programming with a largely male audience. Alcohol, a noted social disinhibitor, playing a large role in the happiness of attractive men, with strong hairlines, frolicking with generously-endowed women in sunny locations. Bobs ranging from Dole to Smilin’, and other pillars of virility, announce that you can get the better of your advanced age, questionable exercise regime and poor dietary habits. And historically, cigarettes — a product designed, on first use, to command some measure of respect from others. These are our birthright as American men in our society.

And this song our anthem.

A lonely, soothing piano intro begins, coaxing us into the melody. The simple theme repeats, gaining momentum and complexity as the strains pour out of the secondhand speakers we’ll replace with those Bose numbers we’ll save up for after we get a new muffler on the Duster. A pause, then a simple, soft, yet strangely driving beat ushers in lead vocalist Ben Gibbard’s revealing first verse’s lyrics.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
‘Cause I’m not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes; these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below

Who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

As a man young in years, you may not think these words speak to me in particular. But I am also a fellow referred to by many since my 20th year as “Ol’ Tom,” who styled his hair with a Bic in a pointless race with heredity for a time, six times, and half a time. I feel a strong sense of kinship with the song’s imaginary protagonist.

On the back of a motorbike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn’t break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.

And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
‘Cause now we say good night from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed

Some of us run from it, into the welcoming arms of Coors, Corvettes, and Cialis. Some fight it with arduous exercise, wheatgrass shakes, and ginkgo biloba. And some embrace it, as I have. I am a man, not Hollywood and Madison Avenue’s version of one, and I proudly take my place among my fellows.

Won’t you join me? We’ll all scoot over; I’m sure there’s room for one more.

Evolution Evolution Redux

04/4/2007, 11:34 pm -- by Tom | No Comments

Evolution Evolution

03/28/2007, 7:06 pm -- by Tom | 4 Comments

Regardless of your opinion on macroevolution, microevolution is a well-documented phenomenon. In this process, gradual genetic changes that naturally accumulate in a population manifest themselves in changes in an individual’s ability to pass genetic material on to subsequent generations. If the changes make individual reproduction more successful, they become more frequent in the population; if they do not, they are less likely to become common in the population. In this manner, traits which make an individual more likely to reproduce successfully are considered “good” by the population, and those traits (if genetic in nature) become more common.

By its very nature, this system works best in a population exposed to an outside stress. A situation that makes life (and thereby reproduction) difficult reinforces even the slightest changes in the population, enhancing their effect. As a result, populations that face difficult situations over long periods of time change more quickly, relative to their brethren in more idyllic environs. A classic example takes place in hospitals, where antibiotic-resistant strains of bacteria develop and crowd out their fellows much more quickly than in the world at large.

The problem with this process, which has worked quite well for millennia, is the same problem that affects us all — complacency. Once we become comfortable, we find motivation difficult. If a fellow can graduate from sixth grade and walk into a six-figure job, why would he endure ten more years of schooling? It works the same for large populations — when any given individual in a group can pass on his genes, and expect them to survive at the same rate as any other member, how can the group evolve?

Conventionally, evolution cannot continue, in the way referred to as “nature.” There are ways in which a population can change, but they bespeak the other crucial aspect of human development — nurture. Friday, in the next Clash of the Titans, Chloe and I will debate the nature vs. nurture argument. Bearing that in mind, until next week this article will remain:

To be continued.

How a Gecko Changed my Life

03/21/2007, 7:17 pm -- by Tom | 4 Comments

Television is the media form of the masses. Newspapers are older, the Internet is trendier, but television will always be the outlet of the average American. Television brings news, entertainment, and entertainment news to dozens of households across this great nation. A number of my correspondents complain, however, about the brief commercial interruptions that mar the otherwise sparkling one-way national dialogue. In particular they take issue with car insurance commercials.

Car insurance is the form of insurance that, in my opinion, has had the most impact on American culture. The automobile is the first love of the American male, with the Canadian female a close second, and barbeque rounding out the top three. As such, the car has impacted facets of our society ranging from banks, to car washes, to music, and even the silver screen! Car insurance is what makes the high speed limits and radar detectors we all enjoy feasible in a society where 18-24 year old men are allowed behind the wheel.

With car insurance of such lofty import to the America we all know and love, I declare it to be our patriotic duty to not only watch, but enjoy the Rodney Dangerfield-esque struggle of the Geico caveman. I implore us to mount the edge of our collective seat while the inspiring E-surance superheroine saves the world once again. And I beseech you, the American television watcher, to cheer along with the workmen who restored that Allstate customer’s life from its shambles when an automobile scattered it and itself across her living room. At two in the morning.

United, we can restore car insurance’s trust in itself, and in us. Because, in the words of one much wiser than myself…

“It’s Tina. We’re getting back together.”

Rant

03/14/2007, 1:36 pm -- by Tom | 4 Comments

Tom is away at a job interview today, so we present a post from the Best of Tom, originally written on January 13, 2006.

The Defense Department recently gave $50,000 to Wellesley College’s Centers for Women to advise the Pentagon on developing “a victim’s advocacy office for military women who have suffered sexual assault or harassment.” We’ll get to the name later. This all seems innocuous, a way for those in power to protect and empower our nation’s bravest women. It. Is. Not. Specifically nocuous is the inclusion of the word “harassment.” And I’ll tell you why.

Women often like feeling bad. Paying to watch a sad movie to feel sad, wearing uncomfortable shoes, picking fights — these are good examples of women actively seeking discomfort. Another is choosing to become offended with people, things, actions, and phrases.

One example under the present system was the case of Lt. Bryan D. Black, U.S. Naval Academy faculty member. Twice he spoke crudely and out of turn: once about his excitement at boarding a battleship, the other about his ex-wife. The first comment was made to a group of people that included a female, but the second was said only within earshot of a female. Now the woman who complained received an apology from Black, and Lt. Black received a letter of reprimand and counseling, so the initial investigating officer felt that was adequate punishment for the ‘crime.’

Enter initial female’s female superior, Lt. Commander Michelle Whisenhunt. She heard of the matter and launched her own investigation. She conducted extensive interviews, really did her homework, but she forgot there are two genders in the military, and so only interviewed women. Black wound up court-martialed, charged with three crimes: failure to obey a lawful general order or regulation, conduct unbecoming an officer, and indecent language.

Now, something a little more close to home, but regrettably more vague.

Scene – my bedroom, Tom sitting at desk.

Ted enters room, steps over piles of refuse, notices stuffed microbe on desk, theorizes as to other disease-causing micro-organisms Tom might own in plush form.

Ted – “I wish you had the AIDS virus.”

Tom immediately places out-of-context quote in away message.

–fin–

An out-of-context quote can be comedic dynamite in the proper forum. In theory, the reader should take a look and think, “Surely, someone cannot wish a fate as horrible as HIV infection on old Tom!” The reader should then chuckle to him or herself for several moments, then return to a hawklike vigil over Tom’s away message status.

But this scenario did not come to fruition in every case. One particular time, a woman read it and SERIOUSLY thought, “That’s offensive. Babies in Africa have their parents die from AIDS, yet Tom is using a humorous out-of-context quote about it to bring a little ray of sunshine to the dreary existence of his readers. What a jerk!”

Were I in the military, I’d have two Marines knocking on my door in the morning to drag me off to the brig. You may think these scenarios aren’t connected. But I doubt those brave sailors were any less offended, short-term, than this girl was.

The name of that advocacy group I mentioned earlier? Naturally, it’s the Office of Victim Advocacy. Men in the military, beware! If you aren’t lockstep politically correct, it’s to the dungeons of OVA for you. And if that happens, may God have mercy on your soul.

That is, if She’s not already offended with you.