REPORT: Nation’s Peep Supply Still At Dangerously High Levels

March 20, 2007, 3:34 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, Humor, Job  | 4 Comments

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The nation’s Peep supply is at “historically and tragically high levels,” according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Georgia. The CDC report went on to say that the likelihood of Americans coming into contact with and/or ingesting a Peep ranged from “moderate” to “severe,” with dense pockets of Peeps reported throughout the United States.

CDC director Dr. Julie Gerberding has asked all Americans to remain calm during this Easter season when Peeps are known to be at their most aggressive, ubiquitous, and inexplicably tempting. Dr. Gerberding assured the public that she and her staff are in constant communication with the White House, the nation’s hospitals and health officials, and NORAD.

“We’re ready for anything,” Gerberding vowed.

It is important to remember Peeps can come in varying colors, sizes, animal-like forms, and degrees of staleness. The CDC recommended the following steps if you think you have come into contact with a Peep:

Remain calm, immediately drink 1 to 2 liters of milk, and seek medical assistance. If the Peep was not completely ingested, remove small children and the elderly from the area and set up a barrier around the Peep. Do not touch the Peep. Notify your local police department that you have seen/ingested a Peep. Write down the details of your Peep encounter — the color of the Peep, if it was microwaved prior to ingestion, and what in the world you were thinking when you actually put one of those God-forsaken things in your mouth.

President Bush issued a statement about the Peep outbreak this morning during a Rose Garden press briefing, declaring it is “obvious” that “Peeps hate our freedom.”


Comments

4 Comments to “REPORT: Nation’s Peep Supply Still At Dangerously High Levels”

  1. Andrew on March 20th, 2007 4:23 pm

    Gotta love those things!

  2. Laura on March 20th, 2007 4:48 pm

    I am at work and I am laughing out loud at this! So FUNNY!!! I can’t stand Peeps…they rank right up there in gross factor with Circus Peanuts.

  3. Rose on March 20th, 2007 9:08 pm

    My roommate and I were shopping earlier and she almost bought some! I earged her not too, and she was able to resist. I just read this article to her and we both laughed for a long time.

  4. Missy Rose on March 20th, 2007 10:50 pm

    how do you feel about fluff?

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