What I Really Wanted

July 15, 2008, 10:00 am; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Featured  | 1 Comment

In the semi-autobiographical allegory The Pilgrim’s Regress, C.S. Lewis traces the life of John, a man raised in a nominally Christian culture who becomes separated from his hypocritical religious faith, then rediscovers it after a long spiritual journey. Drawing from a theme also addressed in The Problem of Pain, Lewis’s character finds that God has placed him into the world with a desire and capacity for something that cannot be found in that world. As Billy Graham said, each of us is born into this world with a God-shaped void in our hearts — and until we meet Jesus, we spend our lives trying to fill it with anything else.

In the book, John stumbles onto several carnal pleasures that he thinks are the fulfillment of his longings, only to find that when the infatuation wears off, he remains unsatisfied. He finds himself repeating, over and over: “That\’s not really what I wanted.”

After thirty years as a Christian, I still find myself experiencing this feeling. The objects vary, but the swirling infatuations remain. The distraction may be a new relationship, a new friend, or a new job — perhaps a new car or house. With me, it was most recently holidays and family.

On Memorial Day weekend I started planning for the 4th of July; my grandkids were coming for two weeks, my nephews were visiting from New York; I was going to build a fabulous multi-level deck with hanging plants and a fire pit; we would grill out and play guitars and sing and laugh and shoot off fireworks. In the end, it was even better than I hoped for, as my son and daughter-in-law made a last-minute trip from New York, with another friend.

It was perfection.

Yet when it was all over, I found myself saying again, “That wasn\’t really what I wanted.” As sweet as it was, it was just a shadow of the realty that I long for. I long for heaven, the fellowship where there is no parting, where there will be no sad goodbyes, no returning to work exhausted and empty, no constant grasping for the elusive need that first drew me to the Cross.


Comments

1 Comment to “What I Really Wanted”

  1. Rodney Olsen on July 15th, 2008 10:44 pm

    Brilliant post. I’m sure it will resonate with many people.

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