Checking In

06/14/2007, 4:20 pm -- by | 9 Comments

Greetings from beautiful and historic Las Cruces, NM, 4000 feet above sea level and two hours behind Eastern Time. From where I sit at a restaurant counter, I can see the Organ Mountains looming to my east, standing guard over NASA and the White Sands Missile Range. In front of me, the valley floor slopes up, terraced with adobe apartments and businesses, until it slides away into the patchy desert that rings the mountains.

Just a few notes from my travels yesterday:

— I still hate Dollar Rent-a-Car, even if my 2007 PT Cruiser does come with Sirius Satellite Radio. But I love Southwest Airlines and the $300 voucher they gave me to take a flight that fit my schedule better anyway.

— From the sky, Texas is the ugliest state in the union, and it’s not even close. Other states have trees, lakes, fields and farms; gazing out the window from miles above, they looked pleasant and inviting. But central Texas, from the air, is the porcupine fish of the states; endless plains of dust with spiky, dangerous, unattractive plants and the occasional rock outcropping. Brown, as far as the eye could see — every mile a shade of dusty, dingy beige.

I flew from Houston to El Paso, across the entire state, and all it did was make me glad I didn’t have to stay.

— The western time zones are wonderful for a late riser like me. Sleeping late back home still gets me up at a decent hour here, and we get to watch all those cool things that happen back east hours early! The NBA Finals will probably be over before the sun goes down out here. And did I mention I can listen to them on the satellite radio??

— The most obvious and enduring symbol of our culture visible from the air is baseball fields. They’re everywhere; after the plane would take off, I could look around and pick them out by the dozen. They’re very unique, easy to spot against the urban backdrop. Landing in El Paso, there were even a few games and practices going on, and I watched the oscillating dots grow larger and larger as we glided to earth. I think our future alien overlords will ask about them upon arrival.

Golf courses are close, though, and they take the top spot in the southeast.

— I’d much rather deal with too-cold weather than too warm, but in a climate like this one, I’d much rather suffer in the heat than freeze in an airport with its air conditioning set on “Icebox.” I bet people like me can handle the outdoors as well as many natives, just because we take our summer straight where I’m from — no artificially chilled crutches or noontime siestas.

So bring on Sol, all-powerful ruler of the desert, to work his fiery worst!

Just let me know when he gets here; I’ll be in the air-conditioned Cruiser, sipping a SONIC Famous Slush and listening to Martha Stewart Living radio.

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Magazines

06/14/2007, 10:30 am -- by | No Comments

This Ask Bweinh! poll is brought to you by Dollar Rent a Car. Are you in the market for incompetence? Do you want to talk to a heavily accented brick wall on the telephone, followed up by an inexperienced supervisor who would rather offer repeated, meaningless apologies than the simplest of solutions? Then Dollar Rent a Car is just what you want in a customer-hating company!

Dollar Rent a Car — terrible service! I guarantee it!

Rank Magazine Points
1. ESPN: the Magazine 13
2. Reader’s Digest 10
3-4 (tie) National Review; National Geographic 8
5. Sports Illustrated 7
6-11 (tie) The Week; The Writer; First Things; Atlantic Monthly; Trucker Fashion Weekly; Maximum PC 5
Other US News & World Report; Newsweek; Time; Touchstone; Athlon Sports Rankings; CBD Magazine; Sporting News; PC Gamer; Cosmopolitan; Writer’s Digest; Christianity Today; Life; Stonework; Sports Weekly; Lowe’s Flyer; Men’s Health 1-4

Joke of the Day, 6/14/07

06/14/2007, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the other golfer came over to look for it, the lawyer said, “I’ll have you know that I’m a lawyer and this is going to cost you $5,000!”

“I’m really sorry,” the golfer said. “But I clearly said ‘Fore!'”

“I’ll take it!,” said the lawyer.

Battle of the Bands XV

06/13/2007, 2:30 pm -- by | No Comments

Don’t forget to vote in the quarterfinals of the Genesis band name playoffs!

{democracy:62}

Bible Discussion — Exodus 5-8

06/13/2007, 12:00 pm -- by | 3 Comments

This week, Bweinh.com looks at the next four chapters of the Bible, Exodus 5-8.

Previously in Exodus: 1-4

The book of Genesis:
1-4 | 5-9 | 10-14 | 15-18-2 | 19-22 | 23-26 | 27-29
30-32 | 33-36 | 37-39 | 40-43 | 44-46 | 47-50

 
INTRODUCTION:
David:
Moses begins the work of freeing God’s people from Egypt. His list of abilities clearly marks him as one of the Two Witnesses that will return in Revelation 11:6, along with Elijah, who can withhold rain from the Earth.

Steve:
Here comes the showdown between Moses and Pharaoh, whom he may or may not have known from his childhood. Whether he did or not, the Israelites must not have been doing a great job of honoring the Lord, if Pharaoh had never heard of Him.

MC-B:
Only four plagues this time? Historical revisionists have their tendrils everywhere.

Or perhaps it’s yet another cliffhanger.

 
SOMETHING YOU’D NEVER NOTICED BEFORE:
Josh:
It is not until the plague of flies that it is specifically mentioned that Goshen is not subject to the same treatment as the rest of Egypt.

Steve:
Moses invited Pharaoh to ‘accept the honor‘ of declaring when Moses would petition God to relieve Egypt of the plague of frogs. A nice touch, that.

Tom:
Sorcerers laugh at blood rivers and armies of frogs, but lice are serious business.

David:
Moses had not circumcised his lips either. Fortunately he confessed it here, avoiding another complication at some inn down the road.

Chloe:
God makes Moses as God to Pharaoh, and Aaron as Moses’ prophet. This makes Pharaoh’s actions that much more severe and heartless.

 
BEST BAND NAME FROM THE PASSAGE:
Tom: Snake Stick
Steve: He Fall, Hanoch Pallu, Smitten With Frogs
David: Elzaphan
MC-B: Uncircumcised Lips
Chloe, Josh: Faltering Lips
Josh: Frogs in the Palace

Continued here!

New Mexico!

06/13/2007, 10:00 am -- by | 2 Comments

It’s been six months! I haven’t been home in six months, and as you read this — if it’s still Wednesday before 18:35 MST — I am on my way there.

I can’t wait to see the sky. You haven’t seen the sky until you’ve been out West.

In New York I can see maybe ten miles to the horizon, tops. At Houghton I see only patches because the trees and buildings block it all out. But in New Mexico the sky isn’t a blanket or a strip. It’s what I can only call “the adventure.” It seems like the earth’s curve is visible on that vast horizon, and every degree on the 360 is calling out for exploration, for someone to touch those places where the sky touches land. There’s a chance, too, that no one has been to that place before; there is that much wilderness in New Mexico.

I’m going to have my own set of adventures by the end of this summer. I’ll be living with my grandma, and all I’ll have to do is step off the porch and walk fifteen yards to get to the national forest.

From here on out my Bweinh! posts will be mostly occupied with New Mexico, and if you don’t want to go there now, you will by September.

Quote of the Day, 6/13/07

06/13/2007, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

“[T]he life appointed to me to live on earth is, like all other lives, a good gift given to me by Love. It is not something to be lightly tossed aside. It is, in fact, never to be tossed aside.

Death is not a matter of choice. It is a reality to be confronted, not because it is evil, but because it is a good, bringing to an end the richness of Grace poured on us in the fullness of our human lives.

Though that Grace always includes a hefty portion of suffering, I desire every bit of it, however hard, that I can bear.” — J. Leax

Ah, beep beep, yeah

06/12/2007, 2:30 pm -- by | No Comments

From the Best of Job, November 2005.

“Job, if girls were cars, what kind of car would you want to date?”

‘Dude, totally a Honda CR-V.”

“Honda CR-V?? Are you crazy? You wouldn’t want to date a Lexus or a Benz?”

“Lexus or a Benz? No way. You think I want to always be stressing about whether someone’s going to steal her? And goodness, no dirt roads for that chick, and you always have to park far away from other cars so she won’t get any dents… Plus you know her engine is gonna start groaning if you don’t get her the super premium gas every time.”

“Well…that’s a good point… But, dude, a Honda CR-V?”

“Sure. It’s decent looking, has pep, and you know it’ll always turn over, no matter how cold it gets. If the road gets bumpy, you know she’ll persevere and kick up some mud if she has to. She can tow, ford streams, and carry a few kids. All that, plus it’s Japanese. I’ve always dug exotic.”

“Okay, okay. But if you want this rugged chick hauling through the woods and jumpin’ stumps, why not just date a Jeep Wrangler?”

“No way! A Wrangler doesn’t shave her legs.”

Clash of the Titans XXIX: MySpace

06/12/2007, 12:00 pm -- by | 4 Comments

In this corner, arguing against MySpace, is Steve!

 And in this corner, supporting MySpace, is LaKendra!

I was mildly coerced into getting a personal MySpace page and I regret the decision to this day.

It’s not that I think I’m too good for personal networking websites; I love the Facebook and I was using sites like the long-since-obsolete Quickdot when most of today’s MySpace users were still stuffing crayons up their noses and putting anything that wasn’t nailed down into their mouths.

What’s that? They still . . . Okay, that’s a bad example. But the fact remains I was annoying other people through telnet way back before many of you modern MySpacers were even born.

I just hate MySpace.

I hate its clunky, horrifying design, strips of blue flanking unreadable text links and unending advertisements for insurance, movies, and ladies’ underwear. I hate Tom.

I hate the terrible things people do to their own pages; I hate when someone’s lousy taste in music is automatically inflicted on me; I hate the uniformly awful attempts at changing the default layout.

I hate that I can spend an hour ranking my ‘top friends,’ and I hate the way (mostly) girls use their profile pictures to draw attention to all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.

And I hate, more than anything, how every time I go on the blasted site, I have to clear out solicitations from seminude women, advertisements for natural male enhancement, and spam comments full of broken images and Trojan horses.

As Job says, it’s YourSpace, honey child. Not Mine. And as I toss and turn my way to fitful sleep tonight, haunted by the constant fear that I might have missed the chance at a lower rate on my second mortgage, with every labored breath, I’ll wish I’d held out.

I pray you have the strength I did not.

Or, if you don’t, that you’ll at least add me and our band!

Hey Steve.

How’s it goin? I just moved to the NEW YORK,United States area and I wanna meet a nice guy around here :-). I moved here to NEW YORK,United States a couple of weeks ago for work and now that I’m here I have nobody to hang out with! I read your profile… You’re cute and I liked what you had to say :-).

DO you know whats on most girl’s minds but they won’t tell you or will they. I am telling you this because it is the honest truth, look I should know…

Anyway you won’t believe this. that day I just filled my zip and my address in a form. A few days later I got a Visa Gift Card worth $500,and was told it can be used at any store!!! It really worked when I trying to buy an iPod!! Cost me nothing! LOL….

**~PERSONAL questions~**
Do you think I’m a good person?

Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?

Would you let anything happen in that bed?

If you could change anything about me — would you?

Our lenders are ready to give you a loan! Approval process will take 1 minute!

Plus I’m just graduated college and I’m lookin for a guy who is a little bit older or more mature than me. You say you’re 26 and you’re cute so I guess you’re qualified :-)

if u don’t like out of the box thinkers that leave me alone!noo i’m just kidding really…lol..

And If you weren’t there FRIDAY NIGHT i lost that bet with ryan, so i made those SPECIALpictures available for ONE WEEK ONLY!! rember to stop by my webcam anytime!!

{democracy:61}

All-Time Fantasy One-Liners

06/12/2007, 10:00 am -- by | 4 Comments

From the Best of Job, October 2005.

These are a few things I would love to say to people in certain social situations . . . but never will.

To my waitress:
“The size and/or existence of your tip will be based entirely on this glass, and the liquid that is either kept in it or sorely lacking.”

To super-cute co-pilot Glory Waischekowski:
“That’s quite a last name you’ve got there — I can fix that for you.”*

To anyone slumped over a convenience store counter going to town with a dime on scratch-off tickets:
“You’re an idiot.”

To that dude at the coffee exchange who likes to discuss politics with me:
“You’ve been speaking for five straight minutes, pausing only briefly to draw life-sustaining oxygen into your lungs, but during those five minutes I’ve mentally balanced my checkbook, written a letter to a friend, proved the existence of God, and thought of one hundred ways I could drive your VPR-stickered Outback off the road so I’ll never have to endure this again.”

To Continental employee Robin in Albany:
“Good morning, Robin! Could you please hand the phone to someone who actually knows what they’re doing? That’d be great.”

To Gwen Stefani:
“Hello.”

To Indian telemarketers:
“Yes, I’d like to order a large pepperoni with mushrooms and green peppers. Hmm? No. Luh-arge. Mmm-hmm. Thanks. 30 minutes or less, or it’s free, right? Awesome. Thanks!!!! Bye!!!”

To frequent flyer Jean:
“Oh, hi, Jean. Do you think I’ll need 400 or 600 milligrams of ibuprofen to beat back the relentless headache you’re about to give me?”

* — not a fantasy any longer!

Joke of the Day, 6/12/07

06/12/2007, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones!

Band Name Update

06/11/2007, 3:00 pm -- by | No Comments

Taskmasters and Bloody Husband move on in the Exodus preliminaries!

And you can vote now in the quarterfinals of the Genesis playoffs!!

The Council’s Ruling — Human Expression

06/11/2007, 1:30 pm -- by | 1 Comment

This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.

This week’s question — What is the finest form of human expression?

The council could not issue a majority ruling on this issue.

Mike offers this opinion, joined by Josh and MC-B:

Speech.

 

Steve offers this opinion, joined by Djere:

The instrumental symphony; the finest composers can evoke the entire range of emotions without saying a word.

 

Chloe offers this opinion:

The face is clearly the finest mode of human expression. It requires no tools, it’s completely unique to each person, and in New York it can be hit when you don’t agree with the expression (whereas if you try to hit a Monet because you disagree with it, you will be arrested.)

 

Tom offers this opinion:

The sestina — the darling of the muses.

 

David offers this opinion:

Writing.

 

Next week: the last meal we would eat if condemned!

As the Deer

06/11/2007, 12:45 pm -- by | No Comments

Hi all — first, a public apology for being such an infrequent Bweinh!tributor lo these many weeks.

I am in the midst of studying for comprehensive exams at the end of the summer and that and pastoring a church and being a husband and dad is taking a bunch of time these days!

But — enough excuses.

Some thoughts on a familiar psalm and song:

Psalm 42, begins “As the deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O Lord.” Most likely, you are familiar with this through the song “As the Deer.”

It’s sort of a romantic image, bringing to mind Bambi sipping away while another fawn lays close by, not a care in the world.

Such a pretty image — but it misses by just a little bit. A deer truly, deeply longs for flowing streams. In a desert culture such as the one the psalms were written in, flowing water was vitally important. Animals may find a bit of standing water here or there, but there was no guarantee that standing water would be available. But flowing water — spring water bubbling up from the ground, that was a guarantee. If you found flowing water, you were guaranteed a reliable water source. A spring of flowing water was something you could count on.

I wonder if you long for God in this way. I wonder if you long for God not simply as a deer hanging around a beautiful stream in verdant country. I wonder if you long for God with the wild excitement of a helpless deer desperately seeking water who finds it — and not just standing water, but flowing water which guarantees life indefinitely. I wonder if you long for God with such wild excitement because you know you need him to survive, to live another day.

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Books

06/11/2007, 10:30 am -- by | 1 Comment

This Ask Bweinh! poll brought to you by the Weedwacker.

Accept NO substitutes.

Rank Book Points
1. The Bible, God 15
2. Lord of the Rings Trilogy, J.R.R. Tolkien 7
3-5 (tie) To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee;
What Happened to Lani Garver, Carol Plum-Ucci;
The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis		 5
6-10 (tie) Girl Meets God, Lauren Winner;
Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis;
The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning;
The Prince, Machiavelli;
The Spirit of the Disciplines, Dallas Willard		 4
Other Great Expectations, Charles Dickens;
Mudhouse Sabbath, Lauren Winner;
God’s Politics, Jim Wallis;
The Pressure’s Off, Larry Crabb;
A Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster;
The Pilgrim’s Regress, C.S. Lewis;
On Writing, Stephen King;
Law’s Order, David Friedman;
The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis;
Winter, Len Deighton;
Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling;
The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Edward Gibbon;
Reluctant Saint, Donald Spoto;
The Irresistible Revolution, Shane Claiborne;
The Visit, Adrian Plass;
Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad;
Gilead, Maryanne Robinson		 1-3

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