My Year in Review (Part Two)

December 17, 2007, 2:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Featured, Humor  | 2 Comments

Read Part One here!

In April, the 2007 MLB season starts, finding Barry Bonds just 21 home runs shy of Hank Aaron’s all-time record — and less than a week from matching Al Capone’s record of 187 days thwarting a grand jury investigation by refusing to cooperate with federal agents.

In Philadelphia, following a series of minor of run-ins with local police, including charges of drunk driving, drug use, carjacking and abusing elderly residents of a nursing home, Britt and Garrett Reid, sons of NFL coach Andy Reid, were caught invading a small Central American nation, deposing the president, seizing control of the three major drug cartels, and murdering dozens of innocent citizens. In a hastily called press conference, Coach Reid asked for “privacy” while dealing with unspecified “family issues.” “This stuff happens in every family,” he told reporters. “We’ll get it fixed.”

In my personal life, somehow, against all odds, our accountant got us a $2100 tax refund. Even more amazing, my wife turned down taking a trip to Scotland for our 25th wedding anniversary, electing instead to invest the money in a 42″ Plasma HDTV for the living room. Pope and Palpatine Not only that, but since the TV was technically for her, there was still enough money left over to buy me a new Martin guitar for my anniversary present. I confess, I need a new guitar like my dog needs a new pen and stationery, but I didn’t argue.

Steve extended an invitation to me to join Bweinh! and I began writing and commenting on articles. This quickly caused a controversy when I bumped into the Pope (a frequent guest contributor) in the break room, winding up in a fistfight after I called him the “Anti-Christ” and pointed out a website where Tom pointed out his suspicious resemblance to Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. Eventually, after a review by my peers, I was placed on 90 days’ probation and instructed to keep away from the Pope and stop referring to him as “the abomination that causes desolation” during staff meetings.

May came and ESPN broke a shocking story about Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, where an unnamed informant fingered him as a major player in the Internet campaign to return Buffy The Vampire Slayer to the airwaves. This was later found to be erroneous, but he was eventually accused of running a dogfighting operation in which he identified himself online as puppyslayer1@aol.com His new coach Bobby Petrino amends his earlier statement of “I’m looking forward to spending time with Vick” to exclude any possible prison time that may be forthcoming. Vick

In our personal life we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary with our daughter and son-in-law who are celebrating their 1st. We dine at Olive Garden with this memorable exchange between the waitress and my son-in-law:

“Soup or salad with that?”
“Yeah, that sounds great.”
“What?”
“The Super Salad! That sounds good! I’ll have that.”

We spend the next day at Surfside Water Park floating along the lazy river on inner tubes for several hours; then we go home and grill steaks out on the front porch. It was by far the best wedding anniversary in recent memory.

June arrived and with it the high winds and balmy weather so perfect for setting the West Coast of our great nation ablaze. As California burned out of control Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger pledged to personally descend from a helicopter in true action hero fashion to battle the blaze if 100,000 people requested that option within one week’s time. His effort fails, however, when 70% of the ballots turn out to be write-in requests to dangle Michael Vick instead.

In entertainment, the Discovery Channel follows up its wildly popular show Dog Whisperer with a companion program called Cat Shouter. Books In this show, starring Sean Penn, feline discipline problems are solved by grabbing the offending creature, shaking it violently, and screaming at it until it runs away and hides. Problem solved. The show lasts only three weeks before complaints by PETA cause it to be replaced by Hamster Healer , where rodentia are treated for psychological issues using aromatherapy and deep muscle massage.

On a personal note, I find a complete 48-volume set of Sir Walter Scott’s Waverley Novels (Thistle Edition) in quarter-bound leather, published in 1903, for $60 at an estate sale. They are possibly the most beautiful set of books I have ever owned and I spend an entire day rearranging my library to accommodate them along with Plutarch’s Lives of Illustrious Men in thee volumes, a Latin edition of Julius Caesar’s account of the Gallic War (which I cannot yet read), and a book on Latin grammar to help me with Julius Caesar’s book.


Comments

2 Comments to “My Year in Review (Part Two)”

  1. Job on December 18th, 2007 9:19 am

    Genius, Dave!

  2. Rose on December 19th, 2007 10:25 am

    I think they should change it to salad or soup. I’ve known many people who have had similar, embarrassing experiences to Ian.

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