Election Update

February 8, 2008, 2:30 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Featured, Humor  | 2 Comments

–Harrisburg, Pa., February 7
David has been traveling around the country with the Huckabee campaign, reporting on election events as they unfold.

Figure OneThe race for the Democratic nomination for president was all but secured on Super Tuesday, after Clinton and Obama both suffered a series of victories, tempered by uplifting defeats. When properly analyzed, these show that a clear winner has emerged and a clear loser has been uncovered.

According to the latest data from the Zaxbys-Chicken Interactive poll (see Figure 1), Clinton made great strides in her bid to corral the liberal-leaning conservative Democrats who registered Republican in the past, supported her husband in 1992 (although not in 1996), and listed immigration, economics and terrorism as their least favorite words to spell.

Figure 2At the same time, Obama was able to garner the support of the much-coveted single-income soccer moms, listed as Democrats between 115 and 145 lbs. on their driver’s licenses, but identifying themselves this year as conservative liberals “looking for change” in their car seats and couch cushions. The importance of this development is especially troubling here in the Huckabee camp, as he was counting on that change to invigorate his campaign.

Much of the battleground will become clearer as the battle shifts to upcoming primaries in American Samoa, Disneyland and Canada, being held on “Monster Monday,” February 11th. One thing that has already become clear after Super Tuesday (see figure 2) is the edge Obama has picked up among independent white males who registered as Republicans in the 60s, refused to support Barry Goldwater at that time, but inexplicably admitted to buying Barry Manilow records in the 80s. Figure 3 This is a demographic no one is talking about, and one that will affect the outcome of this election in a way that will shock and dismay the Clinton camp, while at the same time depressing and deflating Obama and his supporters.

On the Republican side, John McCain suffered his first setback on Wednesday when a secret list of prospective running mates was leaked to the press, and found to include two fictional characters, Hannah Montana and Kim Possible. The Romney camp responded by releasing documents proving that Montana is not only fictional, but is also played by Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus — author of “Achy Breaky Heart,” a 90s-era radio scourge which single-handedly spawned the Macarena dance craze. McCain weathered the storm, however, and seemed to maintain his dominance within his demographic fortress (see figure 3): octogenarians who identify health care, social security and “finding their car keys” as their top three concerns.


Comments

2 Comments to “Election Update”

  1. Phil on February 12th, 2008 7:34 pm

    Actually, a McCain-Montana ticket could have some real possibilities.

    1. It would drop the median age of McCain’s supporters from around 83 to around 42.

    2. It would garner that ever important “pre-teen girls” demographic. While technically not able to vote this could certainly swing the election. “Mom! Dad! You HAVE to vote for Hannah Montana or I’ll be the ONLY one in my class whose parents didn’t!!!!!!! That would be SO uncool!!!!!”

    3. Most of his current base wouldn’t object, as they probably wouldn’t know who his running mate was.

    “Who’s on McCain’s ticket again?”

    “Ah, I don’t know. Some somebody from Montana or something. Where are my car keys?”

    Loved the article by the way. Hilarious!

  2. David on February 12th, 2008 9:39 pm

    Thanks bud!

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