Put Your Pride on the Shelf…

07/17/2007, 10:30 am -- by Job Tate | 1 Comment

Best of Job, from January 2006.

There was a Filipino party at the house last night. They set up a table full of the food I’ve grown accustomed to eating and making — lots of seafood, rice, and dishes with ingredients you have to travel to New Jersey to find. And after a little while everyone congregated in the living room for karaoke.

Filipinos love karaoke.

It’s our Scrabble, touch football and conversation over coffee, all rolled into one, and while they are an unflappably gregarious, gentle and generous bunch, they unleash their competitive nature in the world of sing-a-longs.

The karaoke microphone, which plugs right into the TV, is an elaborate machine, holding the lyrics of hundreds of songs and images of the Philippines. After each performance it scores you based on your knowledge of the lyrics and rhythm, whether you hit all the notes, and your stamina. 100 is the highest possible score. Everyone sang for one round, then the top half moved onto the next round. From twenty initial attempts, I made the top ten — then I made the top five.

It’s such a petty thing, karaoke on a Saturday night with a bunch of immigrants, most over 65, but I admit my competitive juices were absolutely boiling.

I wanted to win this one for the States.

I went first of the new top 5. My voice, never truly strong or good, had taken a serious beating on Sinatra’s “My Way,” so I knew I needed to try a song by a hack. But the Mick Jagger offerings were slim and I didn’t trust my ability with “Start Me Up.” “Semi- Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind appealed to me, but that’s a long, breath-taking song.

So I took the dive and went with Elvis. “All Shook Up” is not as easy as it seems. I had to keep going and going — the lyrics crash right into each other and take little interesting curves. But it’s a quick song, and when the dust settled, I had scored a 94, a new high for the evening. I was competing with only the best now, but they were a little shaken by my knowledge of the King — I think every country thinks Elvis is exclusively theirs. Like a young Jane Goodall, I had earned their respect.

Pepsi went for the kill on “Hero” by Mariah Carey, scoring a 96. She takes voice lessons, you see. Remi took a dive on Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl.” Eliminated. Lourdes butchered “Unchained Melody,” while Louis did a respectable “Let It Be.”

And so there were three.

I felt scared. Alone. I wanted to tag out. But suddenly a ghostly apparition of a young Ben Franklin, Paul Revere, and that other dude appeared. “Bring the victory home, Job…bring the victory home,” they softly whispered. I knew what I had to do.

Flipping through the song book I had seen “Song 2” by Blur; you know, the “Woo hoo!” song. I felt confident. No one in the room had ever heard it and they all sat in stunned silence as I screamed out “Woo-hoo!” every other second on my way to a 93.

Pepsi sang a song I’d never heard before, but owned a really pretty chorus that said “you were twenty-five minutes too late” or something. She hit a home run — another 93.

Louis, a 40-something from Manila, tried a Tagalog song, and he too scored a 93. This meant a re-do.

My throat was tired. I’m a weak one. I didn’t want to have to do it, but I dove way back into my youth and sang “I Just Called To Say I Love You” by Stevie Wonder. It was a breeze — 93. Pepsi sang Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which I thought was a cheap shot, but earned her a 95. When Louis bailed on his Lionel Richie attempt, I was in the finals.

Aged 26, red in the face, sore in the throat — and locked in pathetic mortal combat with a 14-year-old girl, slyly smiling to herself.

She had a bunch of fans who oohed and ahhed her every note; I had an imagined peanut gallery of deceased forefathers, one of whom I couldn’t even accurately identify. I hung my head in shame. I’m pathetic. But my self-loathing demanded vindication. I was gonna ice this chick once and for all.

My shame was enhanced when she graciously agreed to go first (giving my pipes a little more rest) and did a positively moving version of “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”

98.

Ouch. I would need my ‘A’ game like never before.

The entire room giggled in delight. They knew I couldn’t beat a 98. I had been outgunned, outclassed. Throttled. It was time to hang it up, bogsok naneman.

But not so fast… There was one last place I could go to get help in this great and epic fight. One final Alamo in my defense of America’s honor. One last hope to get a good meal and get myself clean.

That’s right…

The YMCA.

The karaoke singer’s Nirvana. When I punched the code in and it popped up on the TV, the entire room grew hushed. Did I dare? Did I dare to go there? Would I truly go through with it?

I would. And I did.

“Young man,” and the fire was lit. I went in guns blazing. I could feel the disco beat, I could sense the mirror ball flashing across my skin. Every note, every sound, every pulse and every ounce of pure melody swam through my veins.

For one magical moment I was gay.

Everyone in the room clung to the walls, furniture, each other…whatever was available. They rode the waves of my performance, crashing into the surf of this sonic adventure.

And then the last note faded away. We all caught our breath and stared at the screen for the score.

65.

Forgive me, America…..

OOCCTE Answer, Anyone?

07/17/2007, 8:45 am -- by Steve | No Comments

How did it end for Leroy Brown??

And a little later…

If you picked “Shot and hit by grenades, then saved,” you’re a winner!!

Quote of the Day, 7/17/07

07/17/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

“The only rules we have are the ones we enforce.” — D. Chamberlain

The Council’s Ruling — Most Influential Person

07/16/2007, 12:00 pm -- by Steve | 2 Comments

This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.

This week’s question — Who was the most influential person (non-divine) of all time?

Mike delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Connie, Steve, MC-B, Chloe, Tom and Josh:

The Apostle Paul.

Djere dissents:

Mohammed…..so many lost.

David dissents:

Abraham.

Next week: what one thing would we eliminate from the world?

Pied Beauty

07/16/2007, 11:26 am -- by Mike | No Comments

“Pied Beauty”
by Gerard Manley Hopkins

Glory be to God for dappled things–
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced–fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.
All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change: Praise Him.

I am not a poetry person, usually. Yet I ran across this poem a couple years ago and it captured me and has not let me go. I love how it images the “useless” things in creation: freckles, the play of clouds in the sky, the chestnuts that fall to the earth. All of these things are “counter, original, spare, strange” and yet their beauty cannot help but point to the greatness of the One who made them.

Romans 8:19 says, “The creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God.” Why? Why bother? Why would creation wait for us? Isn’t the creation Hopkins describes perfect on its own? What possibly could creation want from us?

I think creation longs for us because the children of God are to be the pinnacle of all this wonderful creation. We, of all people, can afford to be counter, original, spare and strange to a world which lives in captivity to itself. When God set us apart to be his people, he made us beautiful and strange in the same way so much of his creation is beautiful and strange. We do not have to reflect the tired gray of those around us; instead, we can be dappled and beautiful and strange and point the world to the Beautiful One.

It was a wonderful revelation when I realized that part of our call as Christians is to be beautiful, the pinnacle of a beautiful creation. Not what the world calls beautiful, not silicone or sinew, but the simple beauty of being what we were created to be. I struggled (and still struggle) to have the world see me as pious, knowledgeable and wise, but at my best I am simply focusing on being beautiful, on settling for no other agenda for my life than finding who I am and being that person. This is a personal task, to be sure, but never individualistic–I discover myself best in community, when other beautiful people are gently alerting me to what is beautiful in me.

What about you? Will you settle for being virtuous in another person’s eyes? Will you allow the Democrats or the Republicans to sell you their version of the beautiful life? Will you allow the tabloids to tell you who is beautiful? Will you allow Pottery Barn to define beauty for you?

Or will you follow the One who dared to say the beautiful life always begins with a crucifixion? Will you be children of that God? Will you be counter, spare, original, strange? Will you be a playful part of the way God is redeeming creation? The chestnuts and the finches, the trout and the skies–all of dappled creation awaits your answer.

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Carnival Rides

07/16/2007, 10:00 am -- by Steve | 1 Comment

Today’s Ask Bweinh! poll is brought to you by the 190th annual Jefferson County Fair, the oldest continuous operating fair in America!

What are our favorite carnival rides?

Rank	Carnival Ride	Points
1.	Ferris Wheel	25
2.	Roller Coaster	19
3.	Bumper Cars	17
4.	Water Rides	7
5-6 (tie)	Tilt-A-Whirl; Ranger/Pirate Ship	6
7-9 (tie)	Lazy River; Swing Ride; Tunnel of Love	5
10-11 (tie)	Carousel; Free Fall	4
Other	Tram; Matterhorn; UFO; Zipper; Waiting in Line at the Men’s Room; Indoor Shows; Vomit Puddle Jumping	1-3

Joke of the Day, 7/16/07

07/16/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Why should you always invite two Baptists to go fishing with you?

If you only invite one, he’ll drink all your beer.

Bweinh! Goes To Boot Camp — Week 4

07/15/2007, 6:30 pm -- by Job Tate | 1 Comment

“As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.”
James 5:11

The Navy, since we are not the Army, is not as focused on firearms as our more camouflaged brothers. But one thing we do that the other branches do not is shotgun training. I’ve tried and failed to figure out why they spend so much time training us to take out a dummy at the torso AND the knees in an imaginary environment, but regardless of the reason, they do.

Live fire training — where they train you to shoot the 9mm and the Mossberg shotgun — was a stressful, loud, surreal and challenging course. It was also the moment when the military decision really hit home. While we were firing at paper dummies in a safe environment, it did become real to me that I’m placing myself in a position to both be shot at and to shoot back. My ear gear snugly on and my eyes hidden behind protective glasses, I fought an inner struggle of faith as I emptied 192 rounds into an imaginary person, switched to the shotgun, combat-loaded three rounds, and “incapacitated” his three imaginary buddies.

My job in the Navy will be as a Seabee — combatant construction workers. This job will require me to leave Navy boot camp and go to Fort Leonardwood to be trained by the Army to fight in close quarters. I was raised as a pacifist, albeit a patriot, and I had wondered how it would feel to squeeze the trigger while in uniform.

I was pleased to discover I didn’t like it one bit. It didn’t make me nauseous, as it did some. It didn’t make me inaccurate or even shaky. But it did make me hesitant. As my grandmother would have said, “It caused me some pause,” and I think this is a pause to be nurtured.

I joined this Navy of ours because I want to serve, to help physically rebuild both structures and the image of America abroad. The role I chose will require me to carry both a shovel and a gun, and I know which one I hope never to use. But for the good order of peace and the entity that is freedom, I know I must learn to use both well — but one with incredible discretion.

As a Christian in uniform, it has become more and more apparent to me that we desperately need more Christians in uniform. That pause I spoke of, coupled with an eagerness to defend, was taught to me in Sunday School long before a drill sergeant ever called my name.

Clash of the Titans II: Blondes and Brunettes

07/13/2007, 12:00 pm -- by Steve | 4 Comments

From Bweinh.com on March 6th, it’s our take on one classic battle!

In this corner, arguing for the supremacy of blondes, we have Tom!

And in this corner, arguing that brunettes are #1, we have Josh J!

Vickie Lynn Hogan. Norma Jean Dougherty. Two lovely young women. Two talented young women. But two beloved American icons? Not without a little something extra. A little something I like to call Vitamin B – Blonde!

Long before tragedy tore these blindingly brilliant bombshells from the frantic grasp of the collective adoration of their public, the common thread woven through the lives of Anna Nicole Smith and Marilyn Monroe was just that – commonality. But with a little luck, some old-fashioned gumption, and a bottle of peroxide, two legends were made, not born.

Is this only a statistical anomaly? Success based on hair color alone? One merely has to look at the culture beyond Hollywood to find the answer. Blonde hair is described as golden, historically a metal highly prized for its hue and sheen. Even the “cheapest” of artificially blonde hair is called platinum, a metal even more highly valued than gold. For third place in the Hair Olympics, blonde comes along yet again, with silver. The best a brunette can hope for is a little bit of red somewhere in her hair’s muddled tone, so she can settle for the ‘honor’ of “coppery” tresses.

Throughout history, blonde hair has been the most highly valued hair color. Evelyn de Morgan’s classic depiction of the legendary Helen of Troy does not find her lamenting her mousy, tangled locks. No, a veritable halo of spun sunlight cascades down her back. She even lifts a delicate handful of golden curls as if to say, “My sisters! This, this is the hair that launched a thousand ships!”

While it is true that natural blond hair is a natural rarity, that scarcity is part of its charm. After all, a young lady presented with a floral incarnation of her paramour’s affection might scoff if it takes the form of the common daisy. But a man who presents his beloved with an edelweiss plucked from a barren cliff face miles from civilization will find a much warmer reception. Scarcity is the mother of demand.

Much like a speech impediment, it can come from pure genetics, or it can come from a bottle. Only her stylist knows for sure. Either way, it’s indisputable: blondes have more fun.

When I first took this assignment, I didn’t stop to think about the potential pitfalls of making this argument: my blonde friends, the blondes I’ve dated (well, there’s only been one, but still), even my blonde sister. I’m sorry, ladies. You’re all beautiful, but I’m sticking to my guns.

I’m all about the brunettes. My first crush was a brunette, as was my first girlfriend. Any time I enter a situation that involves meeting new women, it is invariably a brunette that catches my eye.

The fact is, Tom is actually in danger of offending innumerably more women (as is to be expected). I don’t have any exact figures, but brunettes certainly outnumber blondes by a wide margin. Brunettes are akin to the largest high schools that dominate athletics because they have the widest talent pools from which to draw performers. You just have better odds of finding a gorgeous brunette — brown hair is the dominant trait. In addition, because dark hair is so common, you’re in no danger of finding one of those ladies who acts like she is better than you, simply because of the color of her hair.

I’m not alone in my preference. A recent national survey reveals that 75% of men would choose to marry a brunette, and 80% would rather bring a brunette home to meet dear old mom. Even more amazing, I didn’t just make up those stats.

A less skilled or inspired commentator might resort to a few blonde jokes, or cracks about their collective intelligence. I won’t stoop to that level, but I will say that I certainly find intelligence very attractive. Anyway, I change my light bulbs by myself.

Brunettes are natural, mysterious, and offer a wide array of cultural traits. But for all the wonderful things I could say, for me, the entire debate about the appeal of brunettes and blondes comes down to one simple quote:

“Every decade has an iconic blonde like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana, and right now I’m that icon.” — Paris Hilton

{democracy:3}

Under Warranty

07/13/2007, 10:00 am -- by David | No Comments

Heavenly Technologies
Gateway Drive
Beulah, HE 77777

Attention: IT Department

Dear Sir:

I received one of your New Creation packages in November 1978, I’m having some trouble, and I was hoping to get some assistance. I opted for the New Heart and New Mind, initially, then in the spring of 1980, I added the Holy Spirit Baptism. It should all be on file.

The first issue I’m having is with virus protection. The Prayer Life process turns itself on automatically every morning when I log in and tries to scan the entire hard drive sector by sector. Usually I don’t have time to watch it scan thousands of files, so I end up shutting it down before it finishes. I think that may be causing some of my problems with locking up and crashing. Is there a way to change the settings? I have no problem with the Anti-Spyware Bible Reading module. It works fine and has turned up a lot of malicious code.

Another problem is with my communication protocols. When I first received the package it took me some time to establish the proper default settings for things like traffic, neighbors, co-workers, etc., but eventually I got everything working right. But in most cases now the default setting seems to have returned to frustration instead of patience; shortness instead of meekness; anger instead of joy. You know, stuff like that. Is there any kind of fix that could come in a download, or do I need an altar ca — I mean, service call?

The last thing I wanted to ask about was a complete reboot. At times my mind and heart have locked up during critical times and I’ve had to shut things down in the middle of a major operation. I know that when that happens, sometimes strings of code get omitted on the hard drive, which can cause problems. Is that why I sometimes still feel ghost images of things I know I’ve been forgiven for? Is that what makes all my responses to you so slow? After all, the system has been running continuously since 1978, but I’ve heard there may be a way to restart it all, a complete reboot.

Any help you could give me would be most appreciated.

David F. Sweet
1005 Blind Blvd
Opelika, Imnumber 11111

Quote of the Day, 7/13/07

07/13/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” — A. Solzhenitsyn

I Love Me Some Out-Of-Context Chick Tract Excerpt

07/12/2007, 1:30 pm -- by Steve | 5 Comments

{democracy:83}

One More OOCCTE Answer!

07/12/2007, 12:15 pm -- by Steve | 2 Comments

What was the surprise twist ending to this tract??

If you picked “The guy in the middle is Satan in disguise,” you’re a winner!!

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Cuisine

07/12/2007, 10:45 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Another day, another dollar, and another Ask Bweinh! poll, brought to you, as always, by the Salina Town Court in Salina, NY. Whether it’s short-tempered clerks getting snippy over the phone, confusing payment instructions that require you to rip up a check they send back, or a total lack of ability to make change when you finally do submit the proper form of payment, you’ll find it all at this court!

Visit the Salina Town Court for all your fine-paying needs!

Behold, the best cuisine in all the world!

Rank	Cuisine	Points
1.	Mexican	23
2.	Italian	22
3.	Chinese	21
4.	American	14
5.	Greek	8
6.	Southern	7
7.	Thai	5
8.	Japanese	4
9-11 (tie)	Southwestern, Canadian, “anything Aunt Su makes”	3
Other	Klingon, Egyptian, Sudanese, Lean	1-2

Ethical Immorality

07/12/2007, 9:00 am -- by Djere | No Comments

unethical – not being in accordance with the rules or standards for right conduct or practice.
immoral – deliberately violating accepted principles of right and wrong.

The terms are used almost interchangeably these days, and I don’t know just how fair that is. In case this is your first visit to the planet, welcome to America, land of moral relativism.

Morality speaks to the inherent right-ness or wrong-ness of a given action, thought, or behavior. Regardless of the current pulse of the nation or flavor of the week, Morality exists and has existed from beyond the beginning of time.

Ethics are different. The problem with ethicality is that it changes from person to person, culture to culture, and time to time. I define ethics as the application of your values.

values – the ideals, customs, institutions, etc., of a society toward which the people of the group have an affective regard. These values may be positive, as cleanliness, freedom, or education, or negative, as cruelty, crime, or blasphemy.

Think of the things you value – freedom, money, family. The application of your values – which values take priority over other values – now that’s where you create your ethics. If a business organization places a high value on integrity or truthfulness, part of their code of ethics will reflect that importance. If a member were to deal unfairly with an associate, his actions would be unethical – contrary to the values of his organization.

Personal and organizational ethics are derived from values. Values are based upon two things – both a little farther removed from the lofty ethical ideals we think of as right and wrong. First, we base our values on likes and dislikes, two things which interact, change, morph, and ebb and flow as the years pass. Second, we base them on our experiences and observations.

Likes and dislikes, experience and observation give us the why behind the values which gives us the why behind the ethics. Like a pyramid, many experiences and observations combine into our likes and dislikes. Many likes and dislikes combine into our values. Several values combine into our ethics. The truest state of our ethics come from the bottom up, percolating from our past into our future.

Standing alone are morals. Being a Christian, I cannot believe anything but that morals are absolute. There is absolute supreme truth, and it is real and substantial. If morals are the thing, ethics are the shade, the shadow, the human approximation.

With the regeneration of ourselves through the redemptive work of Christ *should* come the regeneration of our code of ethics. Working in the hearts of men, the Holy Spirit Himself transforms us from the top down.

Nothing can change your past — your experiences, your observations, your hurts and past sins. What changes is your response to them, the forgiveness you receive, and hopefully, your values.

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