Exodus Playoffs — Semifinals

09/5/2007, 10:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Here are the semifinal matchups in the Exodus band name playoffs!

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News of the Day, 9/5/07

09/5/2007, 8:45 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Coney Island Sideshow Worker Aspires to Become ‘Freak Lawyer’

Man Arrested For Driving Naked to Mother’s House

Cheesy Attack Leads to Assault Charges

And a bonus article about car-selling super genius Tom Park!

Quote of the Day, 9/5/07

09/5/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

“One of the consequences of such notions as ‘entitlements’ is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.” — T. Sowell

Clash of the Titans XLVII: Ketchup and Mustard

09/4/2007, 5:00 pm -- by Steve | 11 Comments

In this corner, on the side of mustard, is Connie!

And in this corner, backing ketchup, is MC-B!

I married into a ketchup family 30 years ago, and though I’ve raised six ketchup-loving children, some of them like mustard as well. So as the leader of a successful multi-condiment family, I think I’m well-qualified to take up this challenge.

I could easily live without ketchup, but I have always loved mustard — its bite and sassiness, its lack of sweetness, and, quite frankly, its low, low price. When you buy ketchup it’ll set you back at least 2 bucks, but not so my little yellow-bottled bargain. You may even get change from your “Where’s George” bill if there’s a sale on.

More importantly, it has NO calories. That’s right. None. Squeeze to your heart’s content, folks. If you can take the zing, it will deliver it fat and calorie-free. Mustard stains come out easier than ketchup too. Trust me. Plus, mustard has a happy color — the same as the little smiley face. As a matter of fact, the first smiley face may have been made out of mustard! Ketchup, however, is the color of death, and has been used to simulate BLOOD in low budget B-movies. Another plus of mustard is that it won’t kill you if you leave it out in the sun all day at a picnic. Ketchup goes rancid and mayo can fill an emergency room, but it’s just plain hard to kill mustard. I’ve seen bottles last a whole year.

This leads me to its crowning point — versatility. Ketchup comes in one form, sickly sweet red (except those weird colors that packed the Dollar Store shelves a few years ago — what was that, Heinz?). Mustard, on the other hand, can be bold, tart, spicy or sweet, to suit whatever strikes your fancy, and it comes in yellow, brown, spicy, spicy brown, horseradish, German, Dijon, and honey (which even my ketchup-loving husband loves!). It works on and in hot dogs, chicken, sausages, burgers, egg salad, grilled cheese, salad dressing, wings, deviled eggs, and especially chili (it’s the secret ingredient in mine!) — to name just a few.

In conclusion, I’ll point out that mustard (seed) is the only condiment mentioned in the Bible, while ketchup has barely recovered from its 1980s scandal, when President Reagan declared it to be a “vegetable.” Ketchup is made from tomatoes, which in their overripe state are mainly used to attack bad entertainment: those B movies, NASCAR, or anything with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton in it.

Face it, rotten tomatoes just cannot compete with mountain-moving taste, even when those tomatoes are aimed at filthy rich drama queen divas. Now please vote for me and admit that as good as ketchup is, it’s just too one-dimensional. It cannot cut the mustard.

Mustard? Please. Ketchup is king of the condiments. Always has been, always will be. Well, except for during biblical times. We’ve come a long way.

First, we’ll deal with the mustard issue. My main problem with most of mustard’s “strong suits” is that I just don’t like mustard’s flavor, to the point where not using any condiments at all would make even more sense than preferring mustard.

If I wanted to save money, I wouldn’t buy ketchup or mustard. If I were incredibly desperate to save calories, neither would end up on my lean turkey dog. (Incidentally, according to the USDA National Nutrient Database, some prepared mustard actually has 3 calories in every packet to ketchup’s 6. Not quite calorie-free; be wary, dieters!)

Also, while we’re pretending that we eat condiments for nutrition, ketchup has a bunch more potassium, vitamin A and vitamin C than mustard does.

Don’t even get me started on lycopene.

I also want to address the issue of ketchup’s lack of variety. A fine point, but only if you are able to improve on perfection. Mustard simply isn’t appealing enough in only one form, so it has several varieties in a desperate attempt to appeal to SOMEONE.

Ketchup, on the other hand, is just fine as is; you take it as it comes to you and don’t have to ruin it by adding honey or extra spice to it.

The bottom line is, ketchup is simply delicious.

This clash is totally a matter of opinion, but I submit to hypothesis that, generally, when one looks for a condiment, they aren’t overly concerned with price, calorie content (mayonnaise, anyone?), which one has more varieties, or which has better real-world connotations (mad props, though, to my man Ronald Reagan for declaring it a vegetable; try getting anyone to do that with mustard!).

You look for deliciousness, an arena in which ketchup simply can’t be beat. It’s welcome on my food anytime.

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News of the Day, 9/4/07

09/4/2007, 1:30 pm -- by Steve | 1 Comment

‘Death by Chocolate’ cookies may be hazardous

Buddha Statue Stolen for Scrap Metal

Study: Men Go For Good Looks

(At Least) One More Chick Tract Excerpt

09/4/2007, 12:30 pm -- by Steve | 1 Comment

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The Council’s Ruling — Best Source of News

09/4/2007, 11:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.

This week’s question — What is the best source of news?

The Council delivers the ruling of newspapers, but was unable to agree on a rationale.

Tom offers this opinion, joined by Job:

Newspapers seamlessly blend local, national and world news in a medium that’s a sheer pleasure for all five senses.

David offers this opinion, joined by Connie:

The newspaper; nothing beats a cup of coffee and the smell of fresh newsprint. One squirrel touching the wrong line and every other medium is gone.

Mike offers this opinion:

The newspaper–because you can’t kick back outside with your morning coffee and your laptop.

Chloe offers this opinion, joined by MC-B:

Because television relies so much on breaking news, eyewitness coverage and interviews, it is forced to be the most truthful on the spot of all news media.

Djere offers this opinion:

The town crier: the original source of EDUtainment.

Steve offers this opinion:

The Internet allows you to learn about what matters most to you, and supplements the big news agencies with eyewitness reports from average people.

Josh offers this opinion:

The Internet is the best source of news due to its speed of update, cross referencing ability and complete user control.

Next week: What should happen to Michael Vick?

Ask Bweinh! Poll — 2008 Candidates (#3)

09/4/2007, 10:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Today’s Ask Bweinh! poll is proudly brought to you by the International Brotherhood of Teamsters — proudly using giant inflatable rats and vague threats of violence to earn incremental pension rate increases for UPS drivers since 1903!

Four months after our last poll, we revisit once again the topic of 2008 presidential candidates!

Rank	Candidate	Points	Previous
1.	Fred Thompson	29	7, NR
2.	Sam Brownback	17	3, 8
3.	Mitt Romney	13	1, 1
4.	Mike Huckabee	12	4, 6
5.	John McCain	11	Other
6 (tie)	Mike Gravel; John Edwards	4	NR; NR, 7
9.	Ron Paul	3	NR
10 (tie)	Newt Gingrich; Ronald Reagan	2	2, 3; Other
Other	Duncan Hunter; Barack Obama	1	10, NR; 5, Other

The Answer To The Question

09/4/2007, 9:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

What language was this tract in??

If you picked “Blue Hmong,” you’re a winner!!

Joke of the Day, 9/4/07

09/4/2007, 7:30 am -- by Steve | No Comments

An older couple had a son living with them, and they were worried about him, as he hadn’t yet decided what he wanted to do with his life. As a test, his parents took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table — then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home.

The father said, “If he takes the money, he’ll go into business; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; if he takes the whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”

The son came in and saw a note they had left, saying they’d be home later. He walked into the room, saw the $10 bill, held it up to the light, then slid it into his pocket. Next he picked up the Bible, quickly flipped through it, and stuck it under his arm. Finally, he grabbed the bottle of booze, opened it, took a quick nip to test the quality, then quickly left for his room with all three items.

The father slapped his forehead. “It’s even worse than I ever imagined…”

“What do you mean?,” his wife asked.

“He’s gonna be a politician.”

Quote of the Day, 9/4/07

09/4/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

“Plump women of sixty-seven or eight have a family resemblance.” — J. Updike

Labor Day my eye

09/3/2007, 7:54 pm -- by Djere | 1 Comment

Maybe those sissy unionists are taking the day off, but since they’re not here in the palacious bweinh.com boardroom, I’ll take this opportunity to tarnish their collective reputations.

Djere presents ‘Strange and Untrue Cutthroat Rumors!!‘

* Josh Jones let our love fern die. He is not to be trusted.
* Tom cries himself to sleep at night because he can’t remember the words to ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’
* Steve cries himself to sleep at night because he can’t forget the words to ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’
* Connie only loves one of her children. This humble reporter knows which one… do you?
* David only got into the copier business as a cover for his $2 bill counterfeiting ring.
* Until early this year, MC-B‘s facebook profile listed his religious affiliation as ‘Frisbyterian.’ Non-practicing, I’d bet…
* While the name ‘Michael Jordan’ may hint at his athletic talent, don’t be fooled. The movie ‘Glitter’ is loosely based on Mike‘s tumultuous teens.
* Job can neither swim nor tie knots. What kind of sailor is he, you ask? The Village People kind.
* Not only is Chloe Steve’s girlfriend, he’s the only one who can see her.