The Year in Review (Part Four)

December 29, 2008, 11:00 am; posted by David
Filed under Articles, David, Featured | No Comments

Read part one, part two, and part three!

October:
October brought the worst stock market crash since the Great Depression, as the Dow plummeted 1,874 points while the S&P 500 fell 20%, plunging world markets into turmoil. The only solace I had during this dark time were the cherished resurfacing memories of the August wedding of my favorite niece (Rose) and her wonderful husband (MCB). This ceremony, performed in the same church where my wife and I were married 27 years before, was so touching that it took me a full two months to overcome the emotions and begin writing about it.

Bweinh! was caught up in the financial turmoil when it was revealed that the corporate retirement account was invested in a subprime baseball card collection belonging to Djere, which was mistakenly thrown out by his mother back in April. Djere was also forced to admit he was operating a “Fonzi Scheme,” which involved dressing up like the Happy Days character and hoodwinking people into making contributions to a nonexistent charity, the Free and Genial Society of Walrus Keepers.

In entertainment news, the A-Rod/Madonna story took a tragic turn when Madonna left her husband for her new beau, only to learn what Yankee fans already knew: A-Rod always disappears at the beginning of October. In sports, Joe Torre took the Dodgers to the NLCS, while the Yankees missed the playoffs. The Syracuse football team started 1-6, with the win coming against the Radcliffe School for the Blind, whose mascot, a middle-aged man in a bat costume, still managed to rack up 108 yards on 7 carries, with 2 touchdowns.

November:
In politics, the nation celebrated as Barack Obama won the presidency, inspiring millions of other Americans born with Silly Ear Syndrome with hope that they too coiuld aspire to the nation\’s highest office. Meanwhile, the Big Three automakers made an urgent appeal to Congress for bailout money, but were rebuked for flying to the meeting in three corporate jets. The legislators advised them to take taxis home and leave the corporate jets in Washington, so they can be used to fly congressmen to a fact-finding mission at a resort in Fiji.

On a positive note, gasoline prices began dropping around the nation, eventually bottoming out here at about $1.399 per gallon. This was especially helpful to all those people who lost their jobs when the stinking oil companies raised gas prices to outrageous price-gouging levels for the second straight year, almost singlehandedly destroying the US (and eventually the world’s) economy, because now they were all driving around, looking for new jobs that don’t exist.

The only personal note worth mentioning from November was our disastrous decision to ruin yet another holiday break by gutting our master bathroom, in a “quick remodeling job” that dragged into 2009.

Syracuse started 8-0 in basketball, with upset wins against Florida and defending national champion Kansas to win the CBE Classic — and after a win against Virginia, they could boast wins over teams from the ACC, Big 12, and SEC. Even better, football coach Greg Robinson was finally fired after winning a total of 3 Big East games in 4 seasons.

December:
In the economic world, the bad news continued to fall like a winter storm as Santa Claus announced that he was laying off 14,000 elves — 26% of his total work force — and selling off the naming rights to Christmas in a sealed bid. When the process was completed, Christmas 2008 was officially renamed the Poulin Weed Eater Christmas, and “I\’m Dreaming of a White Poulin Weed Eater Christmas” became the theme song for the ad campaign rolling out the change.

In national politics, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was suspected of wrongdoing when his PayPal account was linked to a vacant Senate seat being offered at auction on eBay. He later elicited some sympathy when he revealed his only motivation was to raise enough money for a hair transplant. In international politics, the Somali Pirate crisis — which began in August, although no pirate commented on the lack of coverage here on Bweinh! — took a turn for the worst when it was confirmed that their numbers were bolstered by unemployed elves, vowing to “paint the skies red with the blood of ”˜The Great Santa,\’” should he attempt to deliver toys in the Middle East.

In sports, SU named a new football coach, and the basketball squad lost its first game of the year on a 60-foot buzzer-beating jumper. After a big win against Memphis on the road, they achieved a promising 12-1 start — but then junior guard Eric Devendorf was suspended for apparently slapping a female student on campus during a late-night argument. “Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.”

In personal news, Bweinh! finally received some good news — included in the government bailout plan, the site obtained some Borders gift cards and merchandise, which were liberally distributed among the remaining employees at a scaled-down Christmas party at Trump Tower in NYC. Due to Congressional restrictions, we were not allowed to use the corporate jet to ferry Bweinh!tributors to the party, but a deal was worked out with Poulin to reimburse our airfare as long as we agreed to make the appropriate changes to any greetings extended during the holiday season.

So in that case, may I be the first to say: “Merry Poulin Weed Eater Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”