The Year In Review

December 5, 2008, 4:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Featured, Humor  | No Comments

Note: Dave Barry again refused to write a year in review article for us, so I am once again filling in.

January:
The new year opened with a bang politically, as Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee opened their presidential primary campaigns with big wins in Iowa. Hillary Clinton climbed back into the race with a win in New Hampshire, based mainly on the strength of a tearful moment captured on camera and televised nationwide. Terrell Owens teared up after the Dallas Cowboys’ playoff loss and quickly became the favorite in the upcoming South Carolina primary. In international politics, Iran attempted to attack the US Navy in the Persian Gulf with five rowboats, providing an apt analogy for Ron Paul\’s assault on the Republican front-runners.

In entertainment news, Britney Spears dominated the headlines by suffering a breakdown, losing her children, and facing criticism from Dr. Phil, who told the nation, “She needs help.” She attempted a comeback in a much-panned live appearance at the Grammys. Not only was she fiercely criticized for her physical appearance, but she was further humiliated when a Sea World spokesman noted that much of her routine was eerily similar to their killer whale show. “Other than eating live fish and splashing the crowd, everything she did can be seen every day at the 10:20, 2:20, or 4:20 shows.”

In sports, the unsinkable Jose Canseco floated to the surface again with new charges against Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez, and Sen. Henry Waxman of California. The confusing charges involved an alleged Clemens appearance at a Canseco cookout, and a confirmed Clemens appearance at a congressional hearing — where he brought in his nanny, who later confirmed, under oath, that Waxman, chairman of the hearing, was in fact the ugliest man she had ever seen.

February:
In politics, the primary season was in full swing, and John McCain solidified his place at the head of the Republican pack, while Mitt Romney ducked out to allow the administration to focus on the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan. Huckabee vowed to stay in until the bitter end, running on a shoestring budget. Although the decision was initially praised, his campaign soon suffered bad press when, at a rally in Texas, a man holding a “We Need Change” sign turned out to be his budget director, panhandling for the campaign.

In entertainment news, the writers’ strike finally came to an end, and no one noticed the difference.

In sports news, baseball’s spring training began, with 63-year-old Roger Clemens bench-pressing a Greyhound bus while denying that he ever took any performance-enhancing substances. In football, Eli Manning led the New York Giants to a Super Bowl win, marking the first time in league history that back-to-back Super Bowls were won by goofy-looking guys with big ears.

March:
In the world of politics, Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York was caught by a wiretap (which he approved) ordering and consorting with prostitutes. It is reported that he spent more than $80,000 on the service, suggesting “multiple occurrences.” If not, the sum would certainly explain his trouble balancing the state’s budget. He was immediately replaced by the lieutenant governor, who is legally blind — explaining why he made such a good sidekick for Spitzer in the first place.

In a further sign of Russia\’s rapid democratization, Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared at a press conference wearing a sock puppet named “Winky,” and nominated him to replace Putin as president. The sock puppet accepted (while Putin drank a glass of water, spilling much of it on his shirt) under one condition: that Putin assume the title of prime minister. Winky was then shifted to Putin\’s right hand, where he quickly signed a bill giving the prime minister all powers formerly assigned to the president.

In election news, Hilary Clinton angered Barack Obama by offering him a part-time job stuffing envelopes for her campaign, though she still trailed him in the delegate count. She quickly changed the offer to the role of vice-president, however, calling it the “dream ticket.” Obama quickly told her to dream on. Meanwhile, Obama\’s campaign took a hit when his pastor released a series of motivational videos, including: “Death to White America,” “The Nation You\’ve Always Hated in Flames in 15 Days,” and “Your Best Revolution Now.”

In sports, the baseball season opened with games between Boston and Oakland in Japan. The series nearly ended in disaster when David Ortiz visited a beach and became the center of Greenpeace protests over whether he should be left alone or returned to sea. In the entertainment world, Al Gore admitted that he was originally cast in the title role for Brokeback Mountain. The deal fell through when he could not lose weight fast enough to meet production schedules, leaving the role of the mountain for America’s sweetheart, William Shatner.


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