The Year in Review (Part Two)

December 12, 2008, 12:00 pm; posted by
Filed under Articles, David, Featured, Humor  | 2 Comments

Read part one here!

April:
In politics, one of the largest April Fool’s Day hoaxes in history is pulled off, when an American negotiator suggests beginning a trial placement of Patriot missiles in Poland, then ships a half-dozen missiles with instructions to place them in a corner of each round silo. Chaos ensues as teams work around the clock for several days to accomplish the impossible. President Bush later apologizes, admitting privately that he completely understood the confusion.

In other news, the international space station was rocked by a gust of wind from Earth after Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn is found to be pregnant, and the entire population of the United States screams, “SHE HAS A SISTER?!?!?”

In more entertainment news, world-renowned artist Robert Indiana, famous for his LOVE sculpture that first appeared in 1966, returned to the public eye. His original sculpture — described at the time as groundbreaking — consisted of the letter L, followed by an O canted to the right, standing over a VE. In April 2008 he followed up that success with a HOPE sculpture, consisting of an H, followed by an O canted to the right, standing over the letters PE.

It only took him 22 years to come up with this brilliant follow-up. I hope he had a part-time job or something. Meanwhile, “Hannah Montana” caused a stir when she appeared in a photo shoot, wearing only a blanket, canted to the right, standing over nothing at all.

In the world of sports, the NHL playoffs got underway; the Philadelphia Flyers beat Washington in the first round on the strength of Danny Brière’s offense and the stellar goaltending of Marty Biron. Go Flyers!

May:
The Presidential primaries continued to drag on, and Barack Obama\’s campaign took another hit when his pastor, Jeremiah Wright, released a new book: The Racially Tinged Rantings of Jabez. Obama vowed to stick by him. Only a few days later, however, Pastor Wright referred to Obama as a “politician” in a TV interview, causing Obama to denounce him and completely disassociate himself from the church. Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania and lost North Carolina, but stayed in the race, claiming that she could “galvanize the white vote.”

In personal news, my family attends our nephew’s wedding in New York in a beautiful stone church built in the 1800s, with a reception at the historic Carriage House restaurant. It is a beautiful ceremony with the groom and all his groomsmen wearing tuxedos and flip-flops. For me, the highpoint was still when several of us discovered the letters on the sign outside the reception hall could be rearranged to read “Pirate Lion & Oxen Camp.” And they were.

In sports it was disclosed that Roger Clemens apparently carried on a decade-long affair with country singer Mindy McCready, starting when she was still in her teens. I detest this guy more and more every time I hear his name. Meanwhile, my beloved Flyers closed out their second-round series against the Montreal Canadiens on the strength of eight goals from forward R.J. Umberger. Every long-time fan knows what this means: Umberger will be the first player traded in the offseason.

Meanwhile, in the NBA, Carmelo Anthony was arrested for DUI and the Nuggets flamed out in their series against the Los Angeles Lakers. In baseball, the Yankees’ first season in a dozen years without Joe Torre at the helm began with a slump, while Torre’s new team, the Dodgers, stood five games over .500.

June:
Summer 2008 began with a nationwide scare reminiscent of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!, as people all over the country were sickened by salmonella poisoning purported to be from fast-food tomatoes. The outbreak was later traced to Mexican jalapeno peppers, but somehow Attack of the Killer Jalapenos! doesn\’t roll off the tongue as well, and never got the press coverage it rightly deserved.

Other than that, it was business as usual across the nation; gasoline climbed to over $4 per gallon, the big auto companies suffered devastating losses, the West Coast raged with wildfires, and the Midwest dealt with massive flooding again — all of which, of course, was President Bush\’s fault. Meanwhile, Obama captured enough delegates to claim victory in the Democratic primary, but Hilary Clinton refused to concede until a deal was worked out to include delegates from Michigan and Florida. Eventually, she still lost and had to go home — to Bill Clinton.

In entertainment news, the nation mourned the passing of Tim Russert and George Carlin. Carlin\’s death reminded me of one of his early routines, where he talked about what a great thing the two-minute warning is in football. He went on to say how nice it would be if life worked that way. In his fantasy, an angel would come down just before you die, blow a whistle, and give you two minutes to get everything right. I guess he knows now that it doesn\’t work that way. In sports, the Flyers were eliminated in the conference finals by Pittsburgh, who then lost to Detroit in the Stanley Cup finals. The Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship.


Comments

2 Comments to “The Year in Review (Part Two)”

  1. Tom on December 15th, 2008 1:21 pm

    I really, really like these things.

    A blanket canted to the right! I almost spit out my coffee.

  2. David on December 17th, 2008 1:14 pm

    Even before you commented I had you slated for a few “incidents” in the next quarter.

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