It Takes A Frenchman…

01/22/2009, 12:56 am -- by Steve | No Comments

…to surrender to a depressed poodle!

From the Phone 7

01/20/2009, 12:01 pm -- by Djere | No Comments

“Saint Ronald of Reagan, pray for us and hear our prayers.

And may God have mercy on our souls.”

What DID It Take in the ’90s to Burn the Charts?

01/15/2009, 11:39 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

If only Hammer had known…

1990 — Nepotism

1991 — Exaggerated, Schmaltzy Boasts
“There’s no love, like your love. And no other could give more love.”
It takes a special kind of man to rhyme “love” with “love” — then immediately do it again.

1992 — Ripping Off The Temptations
“Girl, I know you really love me. You just don’t realize. You’ve never been there before.”
Also, you dig that I look like Urkel in these enormous glasses.

1993 — Ripping Off Dolly Parton

1994 — A Deal With the Swedish Devil

1995 — Growing Up in Compton

1996 — Rump-Shaking Rhythm
“Heyyyyy, Macarena! Aiyee!”
There were people who needed a computerized lesson to learn this dance?!

1997 — Shameless Exploitation of Tragedy

1998 — Filthy Grinding
“Baby, us dancing so close — ain’t a good idea.”
Singing about it? Also not such a good idea. The musical equivalent of a trenchcoat flasher.

1999 — A Truly Stunning Amount of Botox

Source: The Billboard Hot 100

The $2.99 Gas Guarantee

01/15/2009, 1:02 am -- by Steve | No Comments

Not everyone is entirely thrilled about today’s lower gas prices, I bet. Watching a taped episode of Lost tonight, I saw a long-forgotten commercial for Chrysler’s summer ’08 gimmick, the $2.99 gas guarantee. Remember? They promised to subsidize gas purchases for those who bought their new cars, so that the buyers would never have to pay more than $2.99 per gallon.

Back then, when the average price for gas was over $4 per gallon, this probably seemed like a great idea. But that didn’t last long — soon the price of gas began its freefall. And these days, those people probably feel a little cheated. After all, they gave up as much as $2,000 in incentives in exchange for three years of three-dollar
gas, only to see the whole world get it twice as cheap by November. Now some part of them has to be secretly rooting for a burst pipeline, a natural disaster, trouble in the Middle East — anything to get them back on the right side of this deal!

WWF, WWE… what’s the difference

01/14/2009, 7:57 pm -- by Djere | 2 Comments

A commercial for WWF (the World Wildlife Fund) just came on TV, pleading with me to save the polar bears.

Did you know most of them will be dead in “our children’s lifetime!”?

Despite the clear environmental message, I couldn’t help wondering for over half the commercial, “what do polar bears have to do with wrestling?”

Three Links (Vol. 17)

01/14/2009, 12:42 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

— Have you ever noticed that Andy Rooney turned 90 today? A comedian invented the Andy Rooney Game, where his commentaries are edited down to their barest essentials — the first and last sentences. Brilliant!

— This is a little old, but I just saw it: an etymological map of the world that uses the modern English translation of every place name. You can see a slice of America here — or as the map puts it, the United States of the Home Ruler, home of the proud state of New Wild Boar.

— Both presidential candidates loved the scapegoat idea of closing Guantanamo, but they never said much about what we’d do with all those nasty terrorist suspects we’ve been holding there. No surprise, though, that the alternative is moving them onto US soil, filling up our military bases and granting them constitutional rights. Great idea.

The Hum of its Parts (With Video)

01/5/2009, 12:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

The frighteningly homogenized specter that is American popular music is laid bare in this video, an astounding and technically brilliant mashup of 2008’s top 25 singles, created by the aptly dubbed DJ Earworm.

Over the orchestral fullness of backing track “Viva La Vida,” the piece holds up musically — in truth, vastly outshining most of its ingredients. But the true measure of its genius comes not from the seamless integration of the songs, but from their respective spliced videos, which serve as a virtual laboratory report on our cultural fixations.

Row after row of gyrating, underclothed women, blurring what remains of the line between empowerment and objectification. Preening, posing men in dollar store sunglasses, their caps perfectly askew. Money. Diamonds. Exclusive nightclubs. If it weren’t for Sara Bareilles’ nose and Coldplay constantly banging on stuff, I’m not sure I’d be able to tell anyone apart.

In the end, the concept is so successful because, with rare exception, these already ARE one song, certainly one video. By editing away much of what identified the individual artists, DJ Earworm not only created a catchy mix of radio-ready hooks; he also exposed the underlying superficiality of popular music and American culture, in a Trojan horse of a tune that satirizes as it showcases. And the fact that most viewers won’t even give it a second thought simply reinforces the truth of the message.

Is it a news flash that popular culture is shallow, base, repetitive, and perverse? No. But any reminder is a good one. Don’t tell me you’re sorry, music industry — ’cause you’re not.

Pirate Ships Would Lower Their Flags

12/28/2008, 8:07 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

I don’t have any strong feelings about this story, where an RNC chairman candidate distributed a CD with a potentially offensive song about the president-elect, a satirized version of Puff the Magic Dragon. I’ve heard the song; it’s not particularly funny, and since it requires a rather labored explanation of how it’s not racially offensive, it’s not a good idea to send it around when you’re seeking any national office. Yawn. Hardly worth a click.

By far the most interesting thing in the article was at the bottom, a comment by Puff‘s original author, Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul & Mary): “It is almost unimaginable to me [that Saltsman] would seriously be considered for the top post of the Republican National Committee. Puff, himself, if asked, would certainly agree.”

Puff would certainly agree? If asked?? What are we waiting for? Somebody grab a handful of strings and sealing wax and go get a pull quote from the dragon!

Three Links (Vol. 16)

12/22/2008, 12:03 pm -- by Steve | 2 Comments

Obviously these’ll be a light next few weeks…

— Here’s a weird news quiz, recapping some of the odder stories from 2008. I got 19 out of 23 right, which scares me. I guessed on a bunch, honest!

— I love this Joseph Bottum piece from First Things, reprinted from Christmas 2006, about (to varying degrees) guilt, cell phones, winter, Manhattan, and the human condition. “What would genuine innocence look like if it ever came into the world? I know the answer my faith calls me to believe: like a child born in a cattle shed. But to understand why that is an answer, to see it clearly, we are also compelled to know our guilt for the world, to feel it all the way to the bottom.”

— And just in time for the procrastinating Christmas shopper: ornate, hand-crafted, floral URINALS??

A List of Lists

12/18/2008, 11:05 am -- by Steve | No Comments

It’s that time for end-of-the-year lists! But I’m not interested in the 200,000 identical lists of albums (“lol chineese democracy rocks dude, axls still got it”), movies, and “hunks.” It’s the more unique lists that I look for.

For example, National Geographic has released their top ten photos of 2008. My favorite was only #2.

If it’s quantity you crave, Time has gone overboard with the thing with the “Top 10 Everything.” I’m not going to click all those links to test that claim, but it certainly appears to be quite thorough.

If you like ads, you’ll probably enjoy the top 10 viral advertisements and worst ads of the year.

Assuming you’re really bored and really interested in projectors, there’s even a top 10 projectors of the year! What’s that? A native XGA resolution, 2500 ANSI lumens, and an 1800:1 contrast ratio? Be still, my heart!

Oh, and how could we forget the top cricketers of the year, a pantheon which includes the delightfully named Michael Hussey? “Hussey combines his easiness on the eye with a basic and compact technique, something which makes his wicket particularly difficult to claim.”

You can’t make that stuff up.

Goosing the Economy?

12/17/2008, 5:46 pm -- by David | No Comments

The USA Today has the headline today: “Fed GetsÂ Creative to Goose Economy.”

Are you kidding me? Who approved that headline?

Goosing a person involves — to my knowledge — sneaking up behind them and initiating physical contact in a way that only a doctor should perform. The dictionary defines goose (verb) as: Slang, to poke (a person) between the buttocks to startle.

The economy is bad enough as is — leave it alone!

Three Links (Vol. 15)

12/15/2008, 11:25 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

—Michael Totten is an independent journalist who travels with various American units in Iraq, and reports from the front lines at a time when most of the media have forgotten those still exist. Routinely fascinating stuff.

— In an article from the indispensable First Things blog, Michael Linton compares the liturgical calendars of the church and the nation. Sketching out such key dates as Super Bowl Sunday, Halloween, and Mother’s Day, he concludes that while the traditional church calendar “commemorates the saving work of God through history, our American calendar celebrates money.” He admits this isn’t exactly a stunning insight, but the question remains: “If ”” or perhaps better, when ”” we run out of money, what will keep us together?”

— I’ve done way too many of these little quizzes lately. 115 countries isn’t bad though, right?

Catlike Presidential Reflexes!

12/14/2008, 6:25 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

An angry Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President Bush today, yelling, “It is the farewell kiss, you dog.” The footage shows that al-Maliki tried to protect him from the second shoe. According to news reports, some of the other Iraqi journalists “stood up to apologize.”

Here’s the video:

Said the US pool report: “The president was at no point injured and he brushed off the incident. ‘All I can report is it is a size 10.'”

Holy Rollin’

12/7/2008, 8:12 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

My favorite part from an unusual story about a Detroit church that stationed three donated SUVs on the altar for some up-close intercessory prayer:

“At one point, [Rev.] Ellis summoned up hundreds of auto workers and retirees in the congregation to come forward toward the vehicles on the altar to be anointed with oil.”

Straight from the crankcase, I hope! And the Spirit of the Ford was upon them, from that day forward…

But seriously, am I the only one who’s upset about this? Don’t they understand that this oil could have been sold, for $24.99 in a half hour or less, and the money given to the poor?!